Singles review- September 11th 2006- Skanks Ahoy!

Robbie Williams- Rudebox
3/10
Oh this is bloody typical. The Americans get SexyBack. We get HairyBack. The most annoying thing about the song (apart from that it cant decide what a rudebox is- is it something you shake? Something you do? Make your fucking mind up) is how cheap it sounds. Its unsure if its trying to be properly sexy (when it is, it fails hilariously. The only way the 'why you so nasty line' could be even more sexless is if it were delivered by a Pussycat Doll) or try a hamfisted attempt at referential humour, (which is even more of a failure. 'TK Maxx costs less'- wtf?). Robbie is the best cabaret act we have, and he's been reduced to picking up scraps that, given the opportunity of a comeback, Vanilla Ice would reject.
Worst Single of the Week

Fergie- London Bridge
5/10
This is the song Rudebox wishes it was. From my favourite new sub genre, skank-pop (pop performed by skanks- see also, Pussycat Dolls and Paris Hilton), its the kind of song thats so sleazy, you should probably go for a sexual health check after listening to it. Of course its fucking awful, but it's so good at being awful (the video is one of the funniest Ive seen this year- going through the motions of fellatio on the Queens guards is always guaranteed a laugh or two) its far more likeable than any James Blunt clone. Which is somewhat strange, seeing as the song threatens to 'spray your ass with mace' (surely the face would be more effective?). Its a shame Fergie herself it devoid of any redeeming features as an artist. And I dont know what the frig a London Bridge is (at least not in the sense that Fergie references it). Im not sure if its about her trousers (London Breeches?) or if its actually quite a sweet song about somebody learning to open up (steady now). Either way, it'd be wise to use protection.

Embrace- Target
4/10
Embrace? Anybody? Helooo?

Katie Melua- It's Only Pain
2/10
The only reason this isn't worst single of the week is because Melua is always awful. Like everything else she's done, it sounds like Andrew Lloyd Webber. They're going for the same audience, so the only saving grace is that she's not trying to appeal to the dance kids.

Jamelia- Something About You
7/10
And after that ungodly bunch, here's something decent. Jamelia's always been AOR enough for Radio 2 to enjoy, but close enough to hip-hop to get Radio 1 playlisted. This is trying a bit too hard to be Since You've Been Gone, and the first verse and chorus don't quite gel. Otherwise, it's tres enjoyable.

Guillemots- Trains To Brazil
8/10
One of last years most 'holy shit this is amazing' debut singles, it's every bit as essential now. One of the most adorable bands around (just behind The Research), and they have better songs than practically anybody else.

Outkast- Morris Brown
9/10
See the summer round up for more about this. It might just be better than Hey Ya.
Single of the Week