It's been a while...

Welcome back.

Saturdays and Strange Ways

Somehow or other, The Saturdays have managed to overcome at least half a dozen reasons why they should have flopped and will be 'crashing' into the top 10 this weekend. Let's have a look at how this has been achieved, and why it shouldn't have, everything considered.

1) They are a manufactured girlband.
Bear in mind that there has not been a successful British 'traditional girl group' launch in half a decade. Also bear in mind that of the last three major UK girl groups to be launched, The Saturdays seem a bit too old fashioned and safe, compared to the Sugababes (sullen teenagers who looked like they'd rather be shoplifting Max Factor in Superdrug than having a pop career), The Spice Girls (council estate girls done good) or Girls Aloud (council estate girls done better). hair done perfectly, matching clothes, cute dance routines. I'm not saying Overload was a call to arms for a generation sick of identikit pop groups or owt, but there was some sense of rebellion there. For a better comparison, look at the video for Wannabe, then the video for If This Is Love. Wannabe sets it's stall out, and tells the viewer who their protagonists are, and why you should give a rat's ass. Admittedly, we're in more cynical times, and a video where five girls go around terrifying residents of a hotel would either be seen as a lazy attempt to connect to an easily manipulated audience or (if you're a Daily Mail reader) a terrifying snippet of violent youff culture, akin to Justice's Stress clip or something. Look at the If This Is Love video though. What to The Saturdays do? They get their hair and make-up done. They walk down a corridor like they're about to get kicked out of America's Next Top Model. They perform in a shop window for their adoring fans/unwashed masses. All you need is for Alexa cunting Chung to turn up, and the whole thing could just be a special section of Gok's Fashion Fix. Oh look, they got their whole outfits for under £50 each. Wannabe encouraged the viewer to take part, join a gang. Not a literal gang. I'm not making another Daily Mail reference this early in. If This Is Love tells them to keep on watching.

2. They supported Girls Aloud
OK, so we're on the same label as Girls Aloud. There's five of us, like Girls Aloud. How do we mark ourselves out from other existing girlbands? Supporting Girls Aloud, obviously.
Joking aside, the GA's track record for support-act success is not great. Poor Frank delivered a solid album with a few great songs that literally sold less than 1000 copies. Rogue Traders couldn't quite, ahem, trade in on having their biggest song used on the BBC's most successful drama. And Billiam have half a dozen fans who spend the week one of their singles comes out going around the country, buying it on their extended family's iTunes. The Saturdays used to the exposure as well as they could have had, getting people interested without street teaming them with all the subtlety of a North Korean firing squad. It's easier to get people to like if they don't think they're being forced into it.

3. The song is a 7/10, max.
Right, I appreciate that i'm saying this in a week that Kid Rock may get a number one single, but the track ain't all that. It's got a decent Yazoo sample, alright verses (not as bland as some would have you believe) and a fairly amazing chorus. But there's nothing remarkably interesting about it, and it doesn't quite have the pull that something like I Kissed A Girl does. I've accepted I Kissed A Girl now, btw. In the same way a terminal cancer patient accepts the last few weeks will be their last and just tries to get on with it. Anyway, back to The Saturdays. I'm fairly confident that if Girls Aloud released this, it would be one of their lowest selling singles. They wouldn't release it, the chorus sounds too needy. Maybe that's what The Saturdays' USP is. Needy electro-pop. Well, whatever. It's quite lovely to have a new pop band in the charts, and even lovelier that they aren't totally shit and incompetent. It's made me quite hopeful that Little Boots might just be rewarded the Queen of British Pop 2008 award that she so badly deserves. Just a little bit, anyway.

Oh, and by the way, if you wanted to know how The Saturdays managed to overcome every obstacle, here's the secret:


Simple as, right?

People ain't no good: Big Brother 2008

You have to hand it to Big Brother for doing what very few British shows can do nowadays. It gets people massively obsessed. It goes beyond being water-cooler TV (a terrible term, but there's no UK equivalent, as whoever coined it clearly underestimated our demand for cold water) like the Apprentice. In it's ninth (NINTH!?! This means I was ten when it started. How terrible.) year, there's still people watching the nightly shows, the seven million spin-offs (coming soon- Big Brother's Big Crotch: what the housemate's genitals say about them), and the live feed. For thousands, hearing birdsong on a summer's day doesn't mean you're having a lovely day out, it means that some twat just said 'fuck' at 3pm, and E4 don't want their, frankly, insane viewers to be offended.

The most obvious sign of what a 'cultural phenomenon' BB is can be seen on Digital Spy. For those of you unfamiliar with the entertainment news site/FamousMales offshoot, for 3 months a year they go whacko for Big Brother. Every news story, no matter how trivial, is reported and given more space than, say, the death of Antony Minghella. Let's put that in perspective, in terms of how much coverage a story receives, the death of an award winning filmmaker, behind some of the most loved pictures of the last few decades, is deemed as important as Barry and Jen having a row about whether they want mushroom or tomato soup. And to top it off, there's the constant live news feed, with such highlights as '01:27: Dale is trying to make porridge with water and enlists Alexandra to help him. She says it's "rank"' or '23:17: Lisa and Mario are lying on the sofa talking about the birthday surprise earlier. Darnell is talking to Dennis about chicken and cooking.' There's so much coverage, so much pointless, useless, ultimately meaningless information to take in. It's become less a TV show and more of a grueling endurance test designed to find out how much irrelevant trivia one person can absorb before their brains start to dribble out of their nostrils.

To be fair to Endemol, this year's housemates at least seem like they're an interesting bunch. Among the least punchable are toy demonstrator Mohamed, whose key reason for wanting to enter the house was to show that not everyone called Mohamed is a suicide bomber. I'm sure that in week 6 when you get so hammered off White Strike that you end up plunging your face into Rebecca's bosom, you'll still be considered a great spokesperson for Muslims everywhere. And there's massage therapist Kathreya, whose dreams don't extend far beyond her next box of cookies, but doesn't seem to have a cynical bone in her body, which is nice when all the other contestants are talking about previous series and how they're planning to 'play the game'.

The ones who you'd gladly push through a blender than spend five minutes in their company include walking Gaydar profile Dennis, a cross between Perez Hilton and an accident in a Cuprinol factory, who seems to scream and bitch, but not much in between. He's the kind of person you almost wish was molested as a child, just so he'd have some kind of justification for his strange, vile behaviour. There's also Rebecca, who, upon entering the house saw her fight against millions of years of human evolution and revert to a series of excitable yelps and odd high pitched noises that made little sense, if any.

The rest are a mixed bunch- not outstandingly likeable, but not obviously smackable either. They're humans, basically. And whether, for the ninth year in a row, people being people is enough to keep viewers watching is still to be seen. Whether it's worth using up three months of nightly airtime on sixteen people in a house rather than airing US shows like The Wire, or home-grown productions like Boy A is up to Channel 4. But figures talk, and everyone's got bills to pay, right?

Lost in the plot

If you've never seen this before, try it now. Stare at the four dots in the middle of the picture for about 30 seconds, then tilt your head back with your eyes closed.
See, like everything in life you're ever instructed to do, this seems like an enormous chore now. The 30 seconds of staring are now equal to some Herculean feat of endurance. Think about what you could be doing. You could have gone for a really, really quick wank. Started your epic novel. Watched at least four Youtube clips of people pissing on children's birthday cakes. By the time you can finally find out what it's really all about, you'll have probably tried to plug yourself into the mains through sheer desperation. That's some indication as to how most Lost viewers, myself included, felt halfway through the third series.

The problem with any US drama, especially one that's as serialised as Lost is, is that they just keep bloody going. Shows like House, Criminal Minds and the several hundred CSI series'* are gold for the networks because they're formulaic, so don't need brand new sets every episode, and each episode stands well on it's own, so can be repeated over and over until humans become so used to sitting and watching crime procedurals all day long that when people try to go out and buy milk, their brains are unable to handle there not being a murder, so shut down through pure disbelief. (*CSI: Aldershot is currently in the early stages of production for ITV. David Westhead will play the no nonsense boss with a dark past and 50 miles of rural farmland he isn't really sure what to do with)

Even The X Files and Buffy, other shows with reams of mythology and back-story, can be generally be dipped into due to their 'monster of the week' formula. 'FBI agents solve spooky mysteries', 'teenage girl fights demons'. Pick an episode from season three or four of Lost at random, and you'd have a hard time getting a newcomer to understand what's going on just by describing it as a show 'about people stuck on an island'. You'd have an easier time starting someone three-quarters of the way through Crime and Punishment and telling them it's about 'this guy being a bit of a bastard'. There's so much back-story to get through in Lost, because that's essentially what the first three seasons were. To the point that a lot of the casual viewers were tired of staring at the four tiny dots, so went to watch Criminal Minds instead. But in the third season finale, Lindelof and Cuse did what nobody expected- they closed our eyes and shoved our head back, and suddenly the big picture started to become clear.

Season four of Lost has been as daft as ever, but rarely less that magnificent. The pace has gone from meandering to racing- a filler plot two years ago would have been Hurley building a golf course. Now, it's Jack having his appendix removed, whilst Jim Robinson's army comes to murder anyone whose name isn't after the opening titles. The flashbacks, which often felt like filler for the first three years, suddenly became an essential part of the show- hinting at what was going to happen, raising more questions, and occasionally, finally bloody answering some. We learnt that time travel is possible as long as you're a rabbit or have an increasingly puzzling Irish accent. And that Jack's dad is dead, but still has a living physical form. Possibly. Well, he can pick up babies, which a large amount of dead folks can't. Which is why they make rotten childminders.

A special mention has to go to Michael Emerson, who has been the highlight of the show this year. I wasn't too sure about Ben at first, he felt too much like a sleazy secondary villain who we'd be stuck with until the real baddie came along. Emerson's turned him into a fantastically complex anti-hero, who'll sweetly share a chocolate bar with Hurley, then condemn half the cast to being blown to buggery so he could avenge his daughter. One of the main questions that this season's brought up is whether Ben is a villain after all. After seeing what Jim Robinson can do, he could well be the lesser of two evils.

Mainly, season four will be remembered as the season that Lost changed it's game. It's no longer setting up and drip feeding answers that lead to more questions, there's genuine resolution going on. An ending was set up- 6 of them get off the island- and the rest of the season dealt with how, what happened and what the consequences were. Now that season five's aim has been made clear- they all need to go back to the island (and not in the same way the Vengaboys did), all that we have to do is wait. Six months. Oh shit. Of all the answers that Lost gave us in season four, the best thing is that they were never the easy ones. Which means that in two years time, when it's all over, the last episode won't end with a 'ZOMG THEY'RE REALLY ALL DEAD' moment. It'd be a crass, insulting way to finsh a series which respects the intelligence, loyalty and, let's face it, endurance of the viewer. It would make about as much sense as having some old soap actor be your big bad. Oh...

For the record, I don't think that Alan Dale is just some old soap actor. He's also one of the few people who can say 'John Barrowman shot in my face' and not have it be a terrible, scarring experience.

Sell-out special #1

In lieu of any actual content today, here's some MP3s of lovely songs. If you like them, buy the albums, yeah?

Zeitgeist- Tar Heart
Not loving the album yet. Imagine The Knife, but poppier and less rigid, and that'll go some way to describing this. Sounds a lot like Running Up That Hill. If that's a bad thing, i'm not sure I want to be alive anymore.
Album- 6/10

Alphabeat- What Is Happening?
From their predictably amazing debut (original Danish version, so whether it's been reswizzled for the UK release, i do not know), it's like The Arcade Fire writing a grand finale for an amateur musical.
Album- 8/10

Santogold- You'll Find A Way
Quite why nothing on the album is as good as Ay Ay Ay is something of a mystery. But yes, this is quite nice in a Blondie-meets-The Police sort of way. The middle-8 is fucking terrible though.
Album- 6/10

Three is a lovely number so i'll leave it there.

Chart Prediction Fun- Week Four: The Drums. The Drums. The Drums. The bloody Drums.

Only four songs this week, which is odd. Next week is hella busy, and we FINALLY get that Ashlee Simpson song. Seven words I never expected to write right there.

The Pigeon Detectives- This Is An Emergency
I wrote a rambling drunken comment on the Twisted Ear forums the other week about how Jay-Z at Glastonbury won't work, not because he's black or a rapper, but because "indie kids like big, stupid choruses as much as Hannah Montana fans". I'd like to think that This Is An Emergency isn't just more slightly catchy, but ultimately forgettable 'Now That's What I Call 2008 Indie' B-side fodder, but The Pigeon Detectives getting it. Realising that nobody cares how competent they are at playing guitar, or how curly their hair is- it's all smoke and mirrors for people who need something to sing along to, to shout and pretend it applies directly to their life, but don't want to hear it from a 'fake' band or someone with a vagina. So, another unremarkable middling guitar band from a city full of unremarkable middling guitar bands write a song that's actually a parody of the kind of track that gives these groups number one albums, but all the time knowing that the height of their career (pre-debut buzz) is over. Or maybe it's just that they don't know how to write anything else, and big stupid choruses are easier than, say, clever melodies or whatever. I've been listening to a lot of Buckingham-era Mac recently, and wondered why no modern rock band has made their Tusk. I guess it's because no modern band has made their Rumours. Or maybe i'm just being a bit Sandi Thom about the whole thing. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Chart prediction: Top 20

Hot Chip- One Pure Thought
Oh Hot Chip, why can't i love you? Why does the 'monkey with a miniature cymbal' line from Over and Over just make me go all cringey? And why can't i listen to anything by you and not think you're little more than a Happy Shopper LCD Soundsystem? Having already discussed the merits of Lindsey Buckingham, i'm veering dangerously towards 'male music fan' syndrome here, but do they have to sound so fucking reserved all the time? Have you ever noticed there's no climax, no resolution in any of their tracks? They always just go along, not sure what to do with themselves and only ending when someone remembers to press the fade out button. As is life, etc etc. Ho hum.
Chart prediction: 40-35

David Jordan- Move On
Interesting fact for fans of youtube tagging MAYHEM, this is tagged as 'Rihanna'. Y'know, if he tagged it a 'barely' and 'legal', he would probably get more views. Anyway, poor David Jordan. Ladyboy cheekbones, hair like Wanda Sykes, and that one dance move where he punches the camera but LOL NOT REALLY. The video looks like an advert for a mobile phone that plays music. I've not much more to say on this really.
Chart prediction: 75-60

The Ting Tings- That's Not My Name
Shouldn't like it. Should not like it. Again, it's the whole ethos of something deliberately stupid being rendered respectable and brilliant because it's done by people who play their own instruments. Like the Pigeon Detectives, but worse, much worse because this is almost out and out plagiarism. Seeing as Mickey features the second best use of a cheerleader chant in pop history, there's far worse places to nick from. And you get the feeling that unlike The Pigeon Detectives, The Ting Tings have never tried to cover Bob Dylan. Digital Spy said this could be number one. It doesn't sound like a number one record. But neither did Duffy. Or Estelle. Or Scooter. Get ready for Joanna Newsom's record breaking 11 week number one streak in 2009.
Chart prediction: Number 2.

Singles wotsit- Week Three: There Is Not One

Due to the fact that I am dealing with 70 wedding guests tomorrow night until 2AM, and 6000 screaming children and their overbearing parents on Sunday*, I can't predict where the singles will end up this week. Madonna ftw is your best bet though.

*This makes my life sound a lot more interesting than it actually is. Normally, it's just old people who complain their tea isn't hot enough.