Samples From Hell 2006: The Singles Review

This week, Gwen Stefani yodels, Muse go for EPIC ROCK and The Fratellis need a kick in the teeth.

Gwen Stefani- Wind It Up
I don't know how much worse this song can be. Sounding like a watered down version of Fergie seems pretty desperate, no? But that's before you add the sample. Generally in music, samples lift a song, adding a hook, giving an otherwise crappy song something memorable. Stefani's ensured that Wind It Up is memorable, alright, but only for being the WORST single she, or anybody with the XX chromosome has ever released. If you listen carefully, you can almost hear her and Pharell sighing "will this do", which is an attitude that's generally reserved for new singles from Greatest Hits albums or X-Factor winner's first releases. The video takes the medium to new heights of ridiculousness, up to the point where you wish that the Nazis from The Sound Of Music would round up Stefani and her ridiculous sidekicks, and give them a makeover, akin to the one Saturn gives his newborn children. It's an utterly, utterly stupid move for a woman who looked like she could be the new Madonna, but is now on her way to becoming the new Samantha Fox.
1/10- Worst Single of the Week

The Fratellis- Whistle For The Choir
Oh Christ. "Indie band who had moderate hit show their sensitive side by releasing a strummy ballad". It's called Whistle For The Choir and there's whistling! LOL! Apart from looking rough as buggery, there's little to distinguish The Fratellis from the tsunami of horrible NME approved indie tosspots that clog up mainstream radio stations ALL DAY LONG. Fuck off.
4/10

Muse- Knights Of Cydonia
The problem I have with Muse is the rabid fanbase they have. They're as bad as Toriphiles, in the sense that if you suggest that their idols may not be as good as everybody thinks they are, they're likely to throw flaming spears in your eyes before attacking you with a bag of Cox apples. The band's clearly very talented, personally I find the EPIC ROCK revival slightly depressing (am I the only one who thinks they're just The Darkness with better tunes and decent hair?). The problem with a fanbase who would gladly lap up your actual shit is that you can release any old bollocks, and they'll proclaim it to be genius (hey Tori!).
6/10

Cascada- Truly Madly Deeply
Remeber these? They had that AMAZING video where the woman went to the library, messed up all the books and made everybody dance. You'd have thought this would have meant an equally inventive follow-up video, also set in a public building. She goes to the emergency ward and unplugs the life support machines, whilst lap dancing? Off to the town hall to gyrate over the Mayor's desk? No, it's in a hotel room, which any old bag can do (hey Emma Bunton!). The song's equally godawful, and sounds EXACTLY like Everytime We Touch, except it's a Savage Garden cover, which Isn't Much Good At All. Boo.
4/10

Nelly Furtado- All Good Things
Chris Martin, to all intents and purposes, is a cunt. However, one thing he does very well is write songs for female singer types. Well, okay, he basically just did that Jamelia one, but I think we can all agree it was rather good. This is possibly better. It's the best pop ballad since Whole Lotta History (the only Girls Aloud ballad that's worth a damn), and, whilst completley at odds with the Promiscuous girl Furtado claims she is, rather lovely. And in the video, her fringe is quite nice too.
8/10

Jamelia- Beware Of The Dog
Okay folks, enjoy this. Because it's the last Great Pop Single of the year, and possibly the last 9/10 I'll give until Siobhan Donaghy's single (which is bound to be brilliant). Make note Stefani, this is how you use a sample. You launch into it within two seconds of the song starting, making the listener realise that this shit IS official, and the next three minutes will be totally fantastic. Then you put in a great chorus, AND talk about dogs. Finally, you get really clever and reference the original song, ensuring that any stupid people who haven't done their research feel out of the loop. Jamelia should be Britain's biggest pop star at the moment. Instead the Americans go apeshit for Lady Sov. It really makes you wonder...
9/10- Single of the Week!

Next week, the Pussycat Dolls scrape right through the barrel, The Killers sing about bones and Paolo Nuitini's still unhappy about something. G'bye!