Brand New Now To You: The Singles Review

It's a particularly poptastic week for The Singles Review. A former stripper attempts to become a pop star on a budget of £3.80, some old women decide thay don't hate each other after all, and Christina's still upset about something or other. First up, it's Kasabian. Oh joy.

Kasabian- Shoot The Runner
I hate Kasabian. I hate their songs. I hate how dull they are. I hate that their sudden attempt at relevence is little more than the regurgitation of the half baked ideologies of Barat and Doherty. I get the feeling I'd have more respect for their 'creamy old England' vision if they went the whole hog and asked Liverpool to bring back the slave ships. What I hate more than anything is how they attempt to make an 'okay' indie track into something epic, by putting the riff from Keane's 'Is It Any Wonder' in the middle. Urgh. Horrible.
3/10- Worst Single of the Week

Christina Aguilera- Hurt
LOOK AT MY BIIIIIIIIGGGGG VOICE. ISN'T IT HUGE? PERHAPS YOU'LL BE SO DISTRACTED BY THE ENORMITY, YOU WON'T NOTICE THE SONG'S ACTUALLY CACK. HOLD ON, LET'S SEE HOW LONG I CAN HOLD THIS NOTE FOR. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. E.T.C.
5/10

Michelle Marsh- I Don't Do
This might have been good. Give the song to a half decent production house, and have it performed by a Furtado, Spears or even (shudder) Fergie, it could have been a decent pop song. As it happens, the guitars at the chorus are barely audible, Marsh puts nothing across and her voice is so weak, it'd take more than Pro Tools to make it listenable. This is why America's a better country than Britain. When somebody who's most famous for taking her clothes off decides she wants to become a pop star, she's given a 'quite good' Blondie rip-off. We get the bargain bucket Britney.
4/10

Sugababes- Easy
The first few listens, this is dreadful. It's written by Orson and you can tell. The lyrics are a terrible combination of Peaches and Bolton hen-night seduction-gone-wrong (it's about sex. We got it the first time, you don't need to reiterate yourelf through the WHOLE FUCKING SONG). The instrumentation is tired at best. And the chorus is mid-90s and oddly anticlimatic. Then, for reasons unknown to many, it suddenly becomes brilliant after about seventh time you've heard it. I'm still not sure why, and I doubt i'll ever know. The verses are still dreadful, though.
7/10

All Saints- Rock Steady
I really like this. Really really really like this. All Saints always seemed to be the Sugababes to the Spice Girl's Girls Aloud- not as popular, but arguably more interesting. Rock Steady isn't as good as at least five Sugababes singles, but if anything, that's a representation of how far along girl group pop has come since 2000. The reviews of this have been unfairly savage. Christ, if this is the dregs, it's little wonder that nobody wants to buy anything by boybands. A very welcome return.
8/10- Single Of The Week