Madness Gone Emo: The Singles Review

This week, Lil' Chris talks S-E-X, Lily Ahhhleeeen gets a bit miserable and Shakira releases another song which isn't Hips Don't Lie.

Paolo Nuitini- Rewind
Paolo's surely the single most rubbish person in pop music. He can't pronounce any words, he can't sing, he can't dance, he has a reheeely annoying voice and considers himself to have all the troubles in the world, despite being 19 years old. You have to wonder if he's had some terrible childhood, but the press release says his parents owned a fish and chip shop. Perhaps it made him have greasy hair or something, I don't know.
3/10- Worst Single Of The Week

Shakira- Illegal
Thus continuing our run of "quite good female solo acts who inexplicably release terrible ballads". Following Pink and Christina's crappy efforts, here's Shakira, this time featuring Santana. OMG this is totally amazing news and Santana could have only duetted with Shakira, and not with Michelle Branch, that bloke from Matchbox 20 and numerous other bloody terrible acts. She still sounds a bit like a goat, btw.
4/10

Pussycat Dolls- Wait A Minute
Popjustice have a theory that each Pussycat Dolls single released is better than the last one, and i'd probably have to agree. Here's a list of the singles they've released and what they would have got/have gotten.
Don't Cha- 2/10
Stickwitu- 2/10
Beep- 3/10
Buttons- 4/10
I Don't Need A Man- 5/10
Anyway, point proven (Christ on a bike, how many fucking singles do you need to release from one album?). Not even Timbaland (who sounds bored throughout- this was released last year, so perhaps he was too busy thinking about how much better Maneater is than this) can save it from being okay, though. They're still about as sexy as gingivitis though.
6/10

L'allen- Littlest Things
This is okay too. The piano's way too loud, or Lily's voice is too quiet, i'm not sure which, and "we spent the weekend lying in our dirt" sounds to be the result of taking too many tranquilsers and laxatives, which I doubt would be a fond memory. But how crap was she on Buzzcocks? Boo! Hiss! Etc, etc.
5/10

The Killers- Bones
"Your new stuff sound like Bruce Springsteen" said a TV person to The Killers this morning. This doesn't sound like Springsteen. It sounds like Madness gone emo. Especially if you start listening to it midway through the verses.
5/10

Lil' Chris- Gettin' Enough
Fucking hell. The video is genius, but the song is something like Blink 182 covering the Buzzcocks for the soundtrack of American Pie: The Pre School Years, in which Jim sticks his dick in the sandpit and pisses everywhere. Since Lil' Chris is what, eight years old, I'll put it in school report terms: Must Try Harder.
5/10

Nobody gets single of the week, as the Pussycat Dolls have scored this week's highest marks, and the day they get single of the week is the same day I begin to accept Ronan Keating as our lord and saviour. Next time, we look at the kind of shit that might be going for Christmas number one.