This week, Lil' Chris talks S-E-X, Lily Ahhhleeeen gets a bit miserable and Shakira releases another song which isn't Hips Don't Lie.
Paolo Nuitini- Rewind
Paolo's surely the single most rubbish person in pop music. He can't pronounce any words, he can't sing, he can't dance, he has a reheeely annoying voice and considers himself to have all the troubles in the world, despite being 19 years old. You have to wonder if he's had some terrible childhood, but the press release says his parents owned a fish and chip shop. Perhaps it made him have greasy hair or something, I don't know.
3/10- Worst Single Of The Week
Shakira- Illegal
Thus continuing our run of "quite good female solo acts who inexplicably release terrible ballads". Following Pink and Christina's crappy efforts, here's Shakira, this time featuring Santana. OMG this is totally amazing news and Santana could have only duetted with Shakira, and not with Michelle Branch, that bloke from Matchbox 20 and numerous other bloody terrible acts. She still sounds a bit like a goat, btw.
4/10
Pussycat Dolls- Wait A Minute
Popjustice have a theory that each Pussycat Dolls single released is better than the last one, and i'd probably have to agree. Here's a list of the singles they've released and what they would have got/have gotten.
Don't Cha- 2/10
Stickwitu- 2/10
Beep- 3/10
Buttons- 4/10
I Don't Need A Man- 5/10
Anyway, point proven (Christ on a bike, how many fucking singles do you need to release from one album?). Not even Timbaland (who sounds bored throughout- this was released last year, so perhaps he was too busy thinking about how much better Maneater is than this) can save it from being okay, though. They're still about as sexy as gingivitis though.
6/10
L'allen- Littlest Things
This is okay too. The piano's way too loud, or Lily's voice is too quiet, i'm not sure which, and "we spent the weekend lying in our dirt" sounds to be the result of taking too many tranquilsers and laxatives, which I doubt would be a fond memory. But how crap was she on Buzzcocks? Boo! Hiss! Etc, etc.
5/10
The Killers- Bones
"Your new stuff sound like Bruce Springsteen" said a TV person to The Killers this morning. This doesn't sound like Springsteen. It sounds like Madness gone emo. Especially if you start listening to it midway through the verses.
5/10
Lil' Chris- Gettin' Enough
Fucking hell. The video is genius, but the song is something like Blink 182 covering the Buzzcocks for the soundtrack of American Pie: The Pre School Years, in which Jim sticks his dick in the sandpit and pisses everywhere. Since Lil' Chris is what, eight years old, I'll put it in school report terms: Must Try Harder.
5/10
Nobody gets single of the week, as the Pussycat Dolls have scored this week's highest marks, and the day they get single of the week is the same day I begin to accept Ronan Keating as our lord and saviour. Next time, we look at the kind of shit that might be going for Christmas number one.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Madness Gone Emo: The Singles Review
Samples From Hell 2006: The Singles Review
This week, Gwen Stefani yodels, Muse go for EPIC ROCK and The Fratellis need a kick in the teeth.
Gwen Stefani- Wind It Up
I don't know how much worse this song can be. Sounding like a watered down version of Fergie seems pretty desperate, no? But that's before you add the sample. Generally in music, samples lift a song, adding a hook, giving an otherwise crappy song something memorable. Stefani's ensured that Wind It Up is memorable, alright, but only for being the WORST single she, or anybody with the XX chromosome has ever released. If you listen carefully, you can almost hear her and Pharell sighing "will this do", which is an attitude that's generally reserved for new singles from Greatest Hits albums or X-Factor winner's first releases. The video takes the medium to new heights of ridiculousness, up to the point where you wish that the Nazis from The Sound Of Music would round up Stefani and her ridiculous sidekicks, and give them a makeover, akin to the one Saturn gives his newborn children. It's an utterly, utterly stupid move for a woman who looked like she could be the new Madonna, but is now on her way to becoming the new Samantha Fox.
1/10- Worst Single of the Week
The Fratellis- Whistle For The Choir
Oh Christ. "Indie band who had moderate hit show their sensitive side by releasing a strummy ballad". It's called Whistle For The Choir and there's whistling! LOL! Apart from looking rough as buggery, there's little to distinguish The Fratellis from the tsunami of horrible NME approved indie tosspots that clog up mainstream radio stations ALL DAY LONG. Fuck off.
4/10
Muse- Knights Of Cydonia
The problem I have with Muse is the rabid fanbase they have. They're as bad as Toriphiles, in the sense that if you suggest that their idols may not be as good as everybody thinks they are, they're likely to throw flaming spears in your eyes before attacking you with a bag of Cox apples. The band's clearly very talented, personally I find the EPIC ROCK revival slightly depressing (am I the only one who thinks they're just The Darkness with better tunes and decent hair?). The problem with a fanbase who would gladly lap up your actual shit is that you can release any old bollocks, and they'll proclaim it to be genius (hey Tori!).
6/10
Cascada- Truly Madly Deeply
Remeber these? They had that AMAZING video where the woman went to the library, messed up all the books and made everybody dance. You'd have thought this would have meant an equally inventive follow-up video, also set in a public building. She goes to the emergency ward and unplugs the life support machines, whilst lap dancing? Off to the town hall to gyrate over the Mayor's desk? No, it's in a hotel room, which any old bag can do (hey Emma Bunton!). The song's equally godawful, and sounds EXACTLY like Everytime We Touch, except it's a Savage Garden cover, which Isn't Much Good At All. Boo.
4/10
Nelly Furtado- All Good Things
Chris Martin, to all intents and purposes, is a cunt. However, one thing he does very well is write songs for female singer types. Well, okay, he basically just did that Jamelia one, but I think we can all agree it was rather good. This is possibly better. It's the best pop ballad since Whole Lotta History (the only Girls Aloud ballad that's worth a damn), and, whilst completley at odds with the Promiscuous girl Furtado claims she is, rather lovely. And in the video, her fringe is quite nice too.
8/10
Jamelia- Beware Of The Dog
Okay folks, enjoy this. Because it's the last Great Pop Single of the year, and possibly the last 9/10 I'll give until Siobhan Donaghy's single (which is bound to be brilliant). Make note Stefani, this is how you use a sample. You launch into it within two seconds of the song starting, making the listener realise that this shit IS official, and the next three minutes will be totally fantastic. Then you put in a great chorus, AND talk about dogs. Finally, you get really clever and reference the original song, ensuring that any stupid people who haven't done their research feel out of the loop. Jamelia should be Britain's biggest pop star at the moment. Instead the Americans go apeshit for Lady Sov. It really makes you wonder...
9/10- Single of the Week!
Next week, the Pussycat Dolls scrape right through the barrel, The Killers sing about bones and Paolo Nuitini's still unhappy about something. G'bye!
Anti MILFs- The Singles Review 14/11/2006
Pink- Nobody Knows
Christina, I take it all back. At least I know where I am with your warbly voice. The problem with Pink doing ballads is that she spends so much time telling you'll she'll kick yo ass in the rest of her songs, that when she tries to do 'emotionally honest heartbreakers' (read piano led snoozefests) i'm not sure if she's going to beat me up or collapse on the floor, crying. I miss 'U _ Ur Hand'. It sounds much better now than it did two months ago.
3/10
Westlife- The Rose
As with McFly, there's no point criticising Westlife. Anybody with half a brain knows that they're shite, but people buy their records regardless. They shameless target the over-40 anti-MILFs who only get one CD a year, which usually comes from Tesco. I'd like to think that even soulless Irish robots have souls, but i'm in doubt that they even have the artistic integrity of, say a Ward or Brookstein. The song itself is so boring, i actually want to listen to Pink's new single again. Louis Walsh has a lot to answer for.
2/10- Worst Single of the Week
Damien Rice- Nine Crimes
Oh wow, it's an even more 'troubled' James Blunt with art school sensibilities. Just what the housewives ordered.
4/10
Fergie- Fergalicious
Fergie seems to be, and I mean this in the nicest possible sense, an STD ridden skank who got lucky. However this means she's a deserving popstar. She has no likeable personality features, a voice that resembles a drain being unblocked and dances, to put it bluntly, like a spaz. The reason she's a deserving popstar isn't because of her music, it's because she knows that if she wasn't doing this, at best she'd be a waitress, at worst, she'd just be another drug addict living on the streets. If they weren't playing in irritating bands, indie groups all would have jobs at their father's company by now. But since Fergie probably can't read, if somebody asks her to rub cake all over herself, she'll do it gladly, fully aware that there's worse things in the world than icing in your nether regions. She might be being exploited, but she goes to a five star hotel at the end of the shoot.(Note- the song's dreadful)
4/10
Justin Timberlake- My Love
By now, Timbaland's like a high quality US crime or medical show (I'm talking CSI, House, etc.). He's got his main cast (Timberlake, Furtado, Omarion), his formula (near-genius beats, synths, lyrics about s-e-x), and occasionally throws in some guest stars for good measure (Timberlake's joined by craptacular US rapper TI). And like House or CSI, no matter how many times the formula's repeated, it's never any less than entertaining. I like Timberlake now he's obsessed with sex. Okay, so he might go a bit soppy on this, but you get the distinct feeling that if it moves, he'd shag it.
7/10
Robyn- Konichiwa Bitches (on The Rakamonie EP)
I've been in complete love with this song for about a year now. It's what Promiscuous might have sounded like if it included a lyric about "coming in your mouth" and less nudge nudge, hint hint. It's by no means the best song on the album (that honour goes to Handle Me. It's difficult to think of any other pop star who's described somebody as a "nazi creep" with quite so much joy). There's so many great moments here, I could spend all evening pointing them out and still have missed some (although highlights include the Cure sample and the part with the voice generator). Robyn makes quite a convicing case for single of the year.
9/10- Single of the Week
Brand New Now To You: The Singles Review
It's a particularly poptastic week for The Singles Review. A former stripper attempts to become a pop star on a budget of £3.80, some old women decide thay don't hate each other after all, and Christina's still upset about something or other. First up, it's Kasabian. Oh joy.
Kasabian- Shoot The Runner
I hate Kasabian. I hate their songs. I hate how dull they are. I hate that their sudden attempt at relevence is little more than the regurgitation of the half baked ideologies of Barat and Doherty. I get the feeling I'd have more respect for their 'creamy old England' vision if they went the whole hog and asked Liverpool to bring back the slave ships. What I hate more than anything is how they attempt to make an 'okay' indie track into something epic, by putting the riff from Keane's 'Is It Any Wonder' in the middle. Urgh. Horrible.
3/10- Worst Single of the Week
Christina Aguilera- Hurt
LOOK AT MY BIIIIIIIIGGGGG VOICE. ISN'T IT HUGE? PERHAPS YOU'LL BE SO DISTRACTED BY THE ENORMITY, YOU WON'T NOTICE THE SONG'S ACTUALLY CACK. HOLD ON, LET'S SEE HOW LONG I CAN HOLD THIS NOTE FOR. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. E.T.C.
5/10
Michelle Marsh- I Don't Do
This might have been good. Give the song to a half decent production house, and have it performed by a Furtado, Spears or even (shudder) Fergie, it could have been a decent pop song. As it happens, the guitars at the chorus are barely audible, Marsh puts nothing across and her voice is so weak, it'd take more than Pro Tools to make it listenable. This is why America's a better country than Britain. When somebody who's most famous for taking her clothes off decides she wants to become a pop star, she's given a 'quite good' Blondie rip-off. We get the bargain bucket Britney.
4/10
Sugababes- Easy
The first few listens, this is dreadful. It's written by Orson and you can tell. The lyrics are a terrible combination of Peaches and Bolton hen-night seduction-gone-wrong (it's about sex. We got it the first time, you don't need to reiterate yourelf through the WHOLE FUCKING SONG). The instrumentation is tired at best. And the chorus is mid-90s and oddly anticlimatic. Then, for reasons unknown to many, it suddenly becomes brilliant after about seventh time you've heard it. I'm still not sure why, and I doubt i'll ever know. The verses are still dreadful, though.
7/10
All Saints- Rock Steady
I really like this. Really really really like this. All Saints always seemed to be the Sugababes to the Spice Girl's Girls Aloud- not as popular, but arguably more interesting. Rock Steady isn't as good as at least five Sugababes singles, but if anything, that's a representation of how far along girl group pop has come since 2000. The reviews of this have been unfairly savage. Christ, if this is the dregs, it's little wonder that nobody wants to buy anything by boybands. A very welcome return.
8/10- Single Of The Week
All Those Lonely Nights Down By The River- The Singles Review 23/10/06- Part Two
McFly- Star Girl
It feels almost pointless criticising McFly. They've got a rabid fanbase, who've got parents with too much money, which is always okay if you're a band, and at least three of their singles were quite good. This is almost quite good, but then again, it isn't. It sounds like a song I've heard at least seven different versions of, none of which I care for.
4/10- Worst Single of the Week
The Kooks- Ooh La
For a wonderful thirty seconds from reading the title to finding the song, I thought this might be a Goldfrapp cover. Then i found out that it's actually a cover of Naive, which was shit in the first place. Which is good for Radio 1 listeners, but bad for anybody with ears.
5/10
Gym Class Heroes- New Friend Request
Curiouser and curiouser. The only way to describe it is Myspace hip-hop-pop with lots of emo fans. I'm not allowed to give GCH a bad review because Sarah will hunt me down with dogs. Itr's a good job that it's a witty little song, and whilst it is about Myspace, it doesn't make you want to vomit up you own spleen. So hooray for that, then.
7.5/10
Rhianna- We Ride
Oh, this is dross. Well produced dross, but dross nontheless. Is it written by Ne-Yo? Hold on, I'll Wikipedia it...it's written by the people who write for Ne-Yo. I thought he wrote his own stuff. Hmm. Anyway, the only thing we can really be thankful for is that she's not threatening to kill somebody. She really needs to use more 80's samples.
5/10
Nylon- Closer
If Girls Aloud only did ballads, they'd sound like Nylon. Scary thought, no? Actually, the ballads are alright, still, does anybody listen to pop bands purely for real emotion? It's coupled with a fucking horrible cover of Sweet Dreams. which is probably the worse thing to happen to Annie Lennox since her ginger hair.
5/10
Alesha- Knockdown
We know the video's classy. The song's bloody brilliant though. It's a Xenomania song that sounds nothing like a Xenomania song, and the laughing bit, and hip-hop breakdown are both ridiculous, so therefore brilliant. I might actually buy the album.
8/10
Amy Winehouse- Rehab
There's a period for two weeks a year when Radio 2 becomes listenable, purely down to one song. Last year it was 'King of the Mountaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnn', this year, it's Amy. Whilst 'Frank' was an above average stab at hiop-hop. this shows no signs of chasing any trends. It doesn't need to. This time next year, there'll be at least 20 watered down versions of this performed by X-Factor finalists. Lets enjoy it while we can.
9/10- Single of the Week
The Amazing New Alesha Video
This is clever. The line's about sitting near a window. She's sitting near a window. L!O!L!
Accompanying the ridiculous 'ha ha ha' bit in the song is the ridiculous 'free bird' dance. However, the Classy DANCERS are back. And Alesha's hat is even sillier than it was before. It looks like it could be worn at Ascot Lady's Day. A classy event.
Oh no! The Classy Dancers are in 'normal' clothing. They've gone into some kind of seizure! Does anybody know CPR? You bet your ass Alesha does.
Phew. They're okay. All it took was the bird dance. Note how they all gather round Alesha. Her natural classiness simply glows from her, so they leech off it, knowing, until they get their 3 piece suits back from the dry cleaners, that further attacks could occur at any time.How bad is the cover for Girls Aloud's Greatest Hits?
a) It's wonderful! The best thing i've ever seen. There's a tambourine and everything, just like in the bacofoil video.
b) It's alright, if a little cheap looking. Are Vanilla planning a comeback? The should use this.
c) WTF? This can't be a real GA album, it must be a 'the music of Girls Aloud, as performed by the singers from Strictly Come Dancing' style album that you can get from TJ Hughes that your Gran would get you for Christmas as sometimes birthdays. It's a cover that the UK's Eurovision Song Contest entry would reject on grounds of it not looking professional enough. PLEASE be a joke. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
I'll probably have a future grumble about the tracklisting too. No 'Swinging London Town'? Still, it's hard to complain about an album that's got 'Biology', 'Love Machine', 'No Good Advice' AND 'The Show' on one disc.
A Thimblesworth Of Milky Moon- The Singles Review, 23rd October 2006
The Horrors- Count In Fives
The NME love them, so i hate them by principle. It's a good job that the music's shit then. LET'S SCREAM OVER WHAT COULD HAVE ONCE BEEN A RELATIVELY DECENT RECORD AND RUIN IT AND SHOUT 'DIVIDE' RANDOMLY. IT WILL BE GOOD AND WILL BE BOUGHT BY ANYBODY WHO THINKS BOY KILL BOY ARE 'quite good' AND/OR HAS BEEN IN THE AUDIENCE OF A RUSSELL BRAND SHOW. Cunts.
3/10- Worst Single Of The Week
Panic! At The Disco- I Write Sins Not Tragedies...
I find emo tedious. The video for this song reveals a lot about the song itself. They hold accordions as if it means something. It doesn't, and it's just another way to seem different, to look like 'outsiders'. Fact is that there's probably more teens identify themselves as 'emo' than anything else. I mean absolutley no offense to anybody here (and it mostly applies to Americans), but in many cases, it's just a way for priveliged white kids to feel like they have problems and think Really Deep Thoughts. Which pretty much brings us back to the song. It's all surface. Which isn't a problem, but don't tell somebody you're a glacier, only to crack under their shoes.
5/10
Beyonce- Irreplaceable
I thought this song was about a prostitute when I heard the chorus. Considering it's a Beyonce ballad, I don't want to stick my fingers in my ears and scream, which happened when I first heard 'Girl' (yes, i'm aware that was Destiny's Child. Shut up). Anyway, it's not about a whore. Even though she's got a man coming straight round after the one in the song leaves.
7/10
The Magic Numbers- Take A Chance
I really wish this was an Abba cover. Not because the song's bad, just because any excuse for an Abba cover's a good thing. I like the Magic Numbers, but this could just be another track from their first album. Again, not that it's bad, it just sounds like a continuation rather than something new.
7/10
Girls Aloud- Somethin' Kinda Oooh
If you thought this was getting any less than full marks, you're reading completley the wrong blog. Starting with what i really really really hope is a sample 'Gonna Make You Sweat', it's just indescribably brilliant. Around their third best single (not as good as 'Love Machine' ot 'Biology', maybe better than 'Sound Of The Underground'). It blows the new Sugababes song, new All Saints song, and sod it, pretty much every song from the last three months out of the water. I don't care how much shit i'm going to get for this. You want to know why Girls Aloud have outlasted at least half of the NME endorsed haircut indie groups? Because their songs are better. So there.
10/10
SINGLE OF THE WEEK, OR OF ANY WEEK EVER.
I Have Cheap Ass Synths And I Am Not Afraid To Use Them- The Singles Review 2/10/2006
P Diddy/Puff Daddy/Pandy (whatever his name is now- honestly, Prince changed his name to some strange symbol and got endlessly bitched about, yet this twat changes his name to something utterly ridiculous AGAIN AND AGAIN, each time to something more ridiculous, yet gets off scott free. Where's the justice?) ft. the Pussycat Doll who can sing- Come To Me
Urgh. What is the point? The guy can't rap (okay, he's better than Pharrel, but given some half-arsed beats, and a false sense of genius, Thora Hird would be better than Pharrel), he doesn't write his own songs. The only reason he seems to exist is to go on VH1's 'The Fabulous Life Of's', displaying his ridiculous amount of jewellery. The guy makes Mr. T look like he's going for minimalist chic. This, like too many hip hop/r'n'b songs, is just boring. You could rope in all the strippers-done-good in the world, it still wouldn't be worth releasing. But here's a fun game that i found on the internet. It's called which Pussycat Doll is/was/might have been a man. Answers on a postcard...
2/10- Worst Single of the Week
Beck- Cellphone's Dead
There's so many moments when this is almost great. The tinkly piano bit in the background, the bit when the woman's voice comes in, etcetra. So why then, does Beck choose to ruin it by sounding completley bored throughout?
3/10
Razorlight- America
A song about America that isn't as deep, musically accomplished or as politically informed as Hugh Laurie's America song from A Bit Of Fry and Laurie.
5/10
Nerina Pallot- Sophia
This sounds too much like Vanessa Carlton. Where are the handclaps and shit analogies about war? Okay, 'Everybody's Gone To War' hardly had the same effect as, say, that David Hasselhoff song that brought down the Berlin Wall (said sarcastically), but it was far better than this.
4/10
Imogen Heap- Headlock
So, eight years or so after Speak For Yourself came out, she finally decides to release the best song off it. Rather than pissing about with the bloody vocoder, Imogen basically rewrites Rid of Me as a Bjork song. Which means quiet electronic blippy bits that then become big loud strings-y bits. And it's rather wonderful
8/10- Single of the Week
If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemon Incest- The Singles Review 25/09/06
High School Musical- Breaking Free
I'm tempted to give it 9/10 just to piss off Sarah, but it's a truly vile song. I'm not sure what I hate more- the diabetic fit inducing sugariness of the lyrics, the untalented stage school twats who overemote their way through the entire ordeal or the fact it could be used on an advert for viagra. Actually, for that reason it gets one extra point. But still...
2/10 Worst Single of the Week
Lily Allen- LDN
The sample's rather fabulous, and it's much better than Smile. But trying to appreciate a song about sunny London in rainy Manchester is quite difficult. I find that there's something quite hateable about Allen herself though. I'm not sure why, but at the end of the video where she got stood up, I was cheering. Also, the 'Tesco/alfresco' line may trying to be clever, but it's actually just crap.
7/10
The Streets ft. Pete Doherty- Prangin' Out
This works under the assumption that taking two artists who have lost all relevancy and have them make a song together will restore both to their former glory. It's doesn't. Skinner's last album was crap, and the only thing that differentiates Doherty from the rest of the drug addled starfuckers that fill the pages of Now and Heat is that he has the backing of the NME.
5/10
Evanescence- Call Me When You're Sober
Okay, so it's hardly 'Sahvvvvveeeee Meeeeeeeee 2', but Evanescence do a better job at epic popera than most others. And the bit when Lee sings the title is one of 2006's best pop moments. The rest is a bit phoned in, though given the choice between faux-goths and 28 year old 'high schoolers', i'd take this every time.
7/10
Lil' Chris- Checkin' It Out
Ha, this is rather unexpected. If you can get past the whole Gene Simmons approved thing (and also that he's ONLY TWO FEET TALL) it's the kind of song Matt Willis wishes he could make. Great backing vocals in the chorus too.
7/10
There's no single of the week, as no song scored above 7/10, and my new rule is that songs must score 8 or above to gain the title. If I was doing it for comedy purposes, it'd be High School Musical. But I'm not, so it isn't. Next week, wankers-du-jour, Razorlight.
Can't forget things you never said- The Singles Review 17/09/2006
Big Brovaz- Big Bro Thang
The comeback nobody was asking for. There's something creepy about Big Brovaz. They seem to want to be a So Solid Crew that your grandmother doesn't find upsetting. Which in the past has led to Sound of Music samples, use of songs on Halifax adverts and the firing of members with drug habits. It's the last single they'll probably release (it's doubtful it'll scrape into the top 40), so it might be Big Historical Moment Of History. But it's not.
4/10
Janet & Nelly- Call On Me
You want a comeback, Ms. Jackson? It's going to take more than a third rate rapper (who's so not even the best Nelly in hip-hop anymore. Hell, even Nellie McKay made more of an impact on the genre than he has) and a song that NeYo would reject on the terms of it being too dull. I have no idea why he's calling on her. But i'm quite sure I never want to hear this song again.
2/10- Worst Single of the Week
Pussycat Dolls- I Don't Need A Man
In their attempt to get more songs off a debut album than Razorlight did, the 'Dolls' release their best song yet. Which means that it's still crap, only less so than before. Congratulations Larry, you've mastered the single entendre.
5/10
The Killers- When You Were Young
Here's a rule for all upcoming bands that use a synthesiser- you can't do epic strings on a Casio. It just doesn't work. "He doesn't look a bit like Jesus". Stick a fake beard on the fucker, draw on some stigmata with a red pen, you're all set. The first half of Hot Fuss was one of 2004's best mainstream albums. This is a massive disappointment
4/10
The Zutons- Oh Stacey
Valerie was actually quite massive, and the lack of hype surrounding this is surprising (especially since the video's brilliant). Still, The Zutons need to go innovate unless they want album three to sink.
6/10
The Automatic- Recover
Any other week, this would have been the third or fourth best single of the week. It's not as catchy as Monster or Raoul and the album has far better tracks on it. But compared to everything else coming out this week, it sticks out like a shouty, electronic thumb.
7/10- Single of the Week
Singles review- September 11th 2006- Skanks Ahoy!
Robbie Williams- Rudebox
3/10
Oh this is bloody typical. The Americans get SexyBack. We get HairyBack. The most annoying thing about the song (apart from that it cant decide what a rudebox is- is it something you shake? Something you do? Make your fucking mind up) is how cheap it sounds. Its unsure if its trying to be properly sexy (when it is, it fails hilariously. The only way the 'why you so nasty line' could be even more sexless is if it were delivered by a Pussycat Doll) or try a hamfisted attempt at referential humour, (which is even more of a failure. 'TK Maxx costs less'- wtf?). Robbie is the best cabaret act we have, and he's been reduced to picking up scraps that, given the opportunity of a comeback, Vanilla Ice would reject.
Worst Single of the Week
Fergie- London Bridge
5/10
This is the song Rudebox wishes it was. From my favourite new sub genre, skank-pop (pop performed by skanks- see also, Pussycat Dolls and Paris Hilton), its the kind of song thats so sleazy, you should probably go for a sexual health check after listening to it. Of course its fucking awful, but it's so good at being awful (the video is one of the funniest Ive seen this year- going through the motions of fellatio on the Queens guards is always guaranteed a laugh or two) its far more likeable than any James Blunt clone. Which is somewhat strange, seeing as the song threatens to 'spray your ass with mace' (surely the face would be more effective?). Its a shame Fergie herself it devoid of any redeeming features as an artist. And I dont know what the frig a London Bridge is (at least not in the sense that Fergie references it). Im not sure if its about her trousers (London Breeches?) or if its actually quite a sweet song about somebody learning to open up (steady now). Either way, it'd be wise to use protection.
Embrace- Target
4/10
Embrace? Anybody? Helooo?
Katie Melua- It's Only Pain
2/10
The only reason this isn't worst single of the week is because Melua is always awful. Like everything else she's done, it sounds like Andrew Lloyd Webber. They're going for the same audience, so the only saving grace is that she's not trying to appeal to the dance kids.
Jamelia- Something About You
7/10
And after that ungodly bunch, here's something decent. Jamelia's always been AOR enough for Radio 2 to enjoy, but close enough to hip-hop to get Radio 1 playlisted. This is trying a bit too hard to be Since You've Been Gone, and the first verse and chorus don't quite gel. Otherwise, it's tres enjoyable.
Guillemots- Trains To Brazil
8/10
One of last years most 'holy shit this is amazing' debut singles, it's every bit as essential now. One of the most adorable bands around (just behind The Research), and they have better songs than practically anybody else.
Outkast- Morris Brown
9/10
See the summer round up for more about this. It might just be better than Hey Ya.
Single of the Week
