Cunty charity album alert!

There's a CD coming out to help Darfur. Fair enough, it probably needs helping. Things might be a bit shit there, and who better to point that out than a bunch of popstars showboating their way through some covers. How bad can it be?

Here's how bad. Green Day. Haguilera. Corinne Bailey Rae.

OH MY GOD, IT ACTUALLY GETS WORSE

Black Eyes Peas. Aerosmith. Jack fucking Johnson.

It's a kick in the balls for your CD player.

And to top it all off, U2 are on it.

Bono like charity. DO. YOU. SEE???!!!????

I think it's fair to say that if the British government hired a cat burglar to go around every house in Britain, steal the most valuable heirloom, pawn it off and give the money to a Darfur charity, it'd be infinitely preferable to having to buy an album just so Jack fucking Johnson gets a smug feeling that he's done something good for the world when he's arsing around on his surfboard. You want to do something good for the world, Jack? Hang yourself on national television then sell your corpse on eBay, donating all the profits to the poor cunts who've had to cope with your twatting music all over the world. It's just a suggestion.

Hideously inappropiate, but still quite magic

I'm going to hell anyway, so i might as well say this. It's the greatest song of all time, despite what might happen in the next few weeks.

A good pop video

Reasons it is good include having a singer who looks like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, and having a singer who looks like an Abercrombie and Fitch model wearing no top.

Paging Johnny Borrell!

This is NOT the kind of thing you can get away with. Frankly, the sight of you topless is worryingly reminiscent of Gollum. The time has come to put your clothes back on.

We Are The Sharp Shooters: The Youtube Review, April 2007

Bjork: Earth Intruders



Pros:
It's Bjork. And it's Timbaland.
Bjork's face is HUGE
It's exceptionally pretty

Cons:
In comparison to other videos, nothing much happens
Where's Timbaland? He could have at least taken it to the bridge.
The song isn't as good as 'Innocence'

Tori Amos: Big Wheel



Seriously? I kind of understand the concept, but the end result just looks like it was using outtakes from the album artwork, and made on Windows Movie Maker, especially the MILF bit.
It's nice to see she's doing 'doing a Loose' with the singles release though. Neither of the singles is Maneater, however, so :(.

BwO- Chariots Of Fire



If they don't take over the UK and set their strange pack of dog people on Mika and his ilk, i'll be severely gutted. Amazing, what would have happened if 8 year olds directed Basement Jaxx's 'Where's Your Head At'.

Feist- 1234



As i've said before, for every ridiculous concept music video directors come up with, you literally cannot beat some people having a bit of a dance in a room. Video of the month.

Rihanna in amazing single shocker

I like Rihanna.

I don't know if you know i like Rihanna, but you do now. I generally have no idea why i like Rihanna, as she has thus far produced two singles of note ('Pon De Replay' and 'SOS'. Obviously).

Somehow, despite churning out three albums a week, she's managed to release something that could well be the finest pop single since 'Maneater'. In case you're in doubt, here's why:-

It has a Jay Z 'guest' rap that not only doesn't ruin the song, but actually isn't terrible. Don't get me wrong, it's about as unwelcome as a bout of genital warts on your wedding night, but, as it isn't completley shit, qualifies as the best thing he's done in the last three years.

- The rap part is over within the first thirty seconds, meaning you can fast forward through it, without disrupting the rest of the song too much. Genius!

- The drums sound more than a little like 'Crazy In Love', but that's the only resemblance it has, unlike certain other (admittedly fabulous) pop songs that are due to be released soon.

- If your heart doesn't practically break into a million pieces during the last part of the chorus, you are officially dead inside.

- Imagine if 'Unfaithful' had been made by Timbaland rather than Ne-Yo, and you might get some idea as to how it sounds.

- Except you probably won't, so you should listen to it and find out.

- It's a (possibly number 1) pop single called 'Umbrella'. You could not get any better if you tried.

Poor Rihanna, hopefully she'll have more than two hits from this album.

Update: This is the single cover-

Honestly, it's all very well having a bloody umbrella, but it somewhat defeats the object if you DROP IT ON THE FLOOR.

2002- ?

(Cheer)

She's like, so whatever

What's the new Avril Lavigne album like, then?

It's very Dr. Luke. Since he wrote half the bloody thing, this doesn't come as a great surprise. Anyway, here's some things about it.

- She should definitely have called the album 'The Motherfucking Princess'
- There's loads of guitars
- 'Girlfriend' is still amazing. It's so amazing that they've covered it, but changed the lyrics to make a song called 'The Best Damn Thing'
- 'Contagious' is the 8 millionth song in musical history to rhyme contagious with outrageous- It's 'grown up' enough to talk about, ahem, 'that time of the month', but not past a good old middle-8 cheerleader chant
- If you liked Paris Hilton's not-completely-shit song 'Nothing In This World', the album will be right up your alley, so to speak.
- 'Hot' is scary at first, because it talks about abducting somebody, then forcing them to rape you. The whole thing nearly collapses in on itself when the chorus goes rubbish, but it beats My Chemical Romance any day of the week.
- 'Runaway' is something Meredith Brooks might have done in 1998. Therefore it's brilliant
-The following songs are rubbish: 'One Of Those Girls', 'When You're Gone' and 'Keep Holding On'. We can conclude, therefore, Avril should stay at least 40' away from ballads AT ALL TIMES.
- Still, if you can get over that, and are not above jumping around on a trampoline whilst listening to late 90s teen pop, or enjoying a bit of Kidz Bop once in a while, you'll probably enjoy it very much.

Notes about the Siobhan Donaghy album

I'm back from Majorca. Hooray.

ANYWAY, i got the Siobhan Donaghy album in the mail the day before i went away, but being a doucebag, forgot to to put the bloody thing on my MP3 player. So here's the DEFINITIVE word on the CD.

Don't Give It Up- It's even better than it sounds on the radio.

So You Say- Sounds too much like Jem

There's A Place- Quiet and rather lovely

Sometimes- If you thought Shanti/Ashtangi was the best track on Ray Of Light, you'll LOVE this (it totally wasn't, but this is still very good)

12 Bar Acid Blues- Imagine Graffiti My Soul redone by Feist, but with lyrics by Just Jack. It's a nice little song about going on holiday, but not really wanting too, and ending up in Russia or something. Oh, i don't know. The lyrics are truly dreadful.

Make It Right- Reminds you that Muty-a-ya wasn't the only Sugababe who could belt out a tune.

Coming Up For Air- Not As Saucy As It Sounds (Or Should Be)

Goldfish- Sounds like it belongs on a car advert

Medevac- Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. And Amazing.

Halcyon Days- Almost whispery. Lovely. Sounds a bit like Massive Attack.

Ghosts- Still fucking mad.

Note- The promo packaging is probably better than the actual album packaging will be. And there is literally no better smell in the world than that of promo CDs of albums that don't come out for three months. If they made made an aftershave of it, i'd bathe in it. It smells like the US alternative section of the Vinyl Exchange where all those poor Saddle Creek promos go to die.

But, to round it up, as they say, it's a very good album that liberally nicks off Ray Of Light, but isn't shit. It's all the better now, since Parlophone haven't fucked up the album campaign yet. Just wait until June.

It's good, it's bad, they're ugly

The L.A.X Gurls- Forget You

It's good because, as somebody on the Popjustice forums pointed out, it makes them sound like post-operative female to male trannies.

It's bad because a) they aren't, b) 'gurls'??!?!? and c) the song is sub-Jojo bollocks. And we all know how bad the original Jojo is.

And, obviously, the band are too muntastic to be proper popstars. Cruel, yes, but we're living in a material world. Perhaps they should have used some to cover their faces.

The New EIAMS

After several weeks flirting with the idea of making a non-Myspace blog to include all of my rambling thoughts about pop culture, EIAMS is being 'relaunched' as a, well, blog. Anyway, tune in frequently for stuff about things that happen in the world. This is terrible, i know. It might get better.