Chart Prediction Fun- Week One: The Week That Kind of Rhymed

Right folks, seeing as how actually reviewing singles seems so...formal, I thought it'd be more fun to just write a bit about them and then predict where they'll end up in the charts. The charts, as in the Top 40. Not the download charts, or airplay charts or whatever else is more 'important' these days, yeah? Okay.

Jack Johnson- Hope
Presumably shortened from the original title 'Hope (to God it Ends Soon Or I'm Reaching For The Cyanide)'. It's wallpaper, innit? Dinner party music for people who think Norah Jones is a bit too sonically dynamic. That's not a diss at Norah Jones, by the way, she's ace. There's absolutely no effort put in here, i mean all of his tracks sound like the last thing Johnson and 'the band' recorded at the end of the day a self satisfied pat on the back, drinks all round, but this is exceptionally lazy, even by his standards. You can imagine it being described as 'just something we came up with when we were jamming'. Urgh
Chart prediction- 30-40

Akon- I Can't Wait
Okay, hands up who knew T-Pain could play piano? This is a weird one, it sounds like a minute long intro to another track, but stretched out over a full song. Given the right context (The Sweet Escape, essentially), Akon's voice isn't entirely unpleasant. And T-Pain does all he can to help along with Autotune, but there's still something unnerving about a dude who had a song about people put their arses on the floor or whatever, trying to be all romantic. It's all a bit...rapey.
Chart prediction- 20-30

September- Cry For You
One of those big gay dance songs that Radio 1 playlists roughly 6 months after it becomes popular. There's a shiny penny for whoever can tell me what other dance song that main hook is taken from, 'cos it's really bloody bugging me. It's de rigeur to compare every popular/dancey Scandinavian popstress to Robyn (because, let's be honest, there's not that many other reference points in the British charts, really), but this is probably too big 'n' stupid to give her the longer term success that the Robyn album has had. Infernal learnt this the hard way, and they had at least four amazing tracks on theirs.
Chart prediction- top 5

Keyshia Cole- Let It Go
The video for this is amazing. Keyshia gets pwned by Missy Elliott at the start in a way no one has since Lil' Mama got told how to wear lip gloss by, erm, Big Mama(?). The song is sweet in a very nondescript way, and talks about 'loving the right way', which is presumably about bumming. Which is nice, because we've not had a good bumming song in the charts since Rachel Stevens let indie boys in her back door. The bit where Missy pronounces 'damn' with roughly eighteen 'y's is good too. That's about it really.
Chart prediction- 30-20

Goldfrapp- Happiness
Maybe it's because A&E seems to last all of 30 seconds, and then you have to put it on repeat for the next two hours, but this goes on for quite some time, doesn't it? Personally, i'd have gone with Caravan Girl or Little Bird as the next single from Seventh Tree, but I don't work at Mute, so there you go (to be honest, this is probably a good thing, since Mute are part of EMI, and i would probably be unemployed at this point). Hands down the best use of 'bom-ba-bom's in a song this year. Is there much higher praise than that?
Chart prediction- 10-15

The Last Shadow Puppets- The Age of the Understatement
'Galloping' would probably be the best word to describe this. More grandiose, but at the same time more subtle than any of the Arctic Monkey's output, it's probably not aimed for the bored teen NME set, but that's not really a problem. I hope Alex Turner's happy that he's doomed us to Reverend and the Maker's inevitable side-project with the singer from Milburn, featuring whoever does strings for Razorlight.
Chart prediction- top 10

Britney Spears- Break The Ice
It's depressing that Britney's best record (and the second best pop album of 2007) is doomed to be 'that one with the crap cover she did when she went mental'. Like everything on Blackout, Break The Ice is fucking brilliant- catchy, well produced, autotuned to within an inch of it's life and with enough batshit moments (the cat shriek sounds?) to keep it interesting. The video looks like someone with too much Hello Kitty! merchandise made it for Youtube, but we can let that one slide, given the circumstances, i think. The girl done good, again.
Chart prediction- 20-25