Chart Prediction Fun- Week Two: The Week Of Horns

Adele- Cold Shoulder
Stringier than most of Ronson's productions, presumably because Madonna was borrowing all the trumpets this week. I've still got an awful lot of residual affection from Hometown Glory, so maybe I'm a bit biased when I say it's by no means the least crappy single of the week. But if Adele wants to maintain the whole 'nu-soul diva' hype, she's going to need something a little more showstopping than this. The video is a bit meh too. Ice statues, Adele shot a flattering, well lit angles. It would be wise to attempt a Rihanna-style work rate until she becomes relevent again.
Chart prediction: 15-20

The Wombats- Backfire at the Disco
A bit of light indie misogyny for a Sunday afternoon. Look kids, they're like you! They go to 'discos'! (read: indie shitholes with unisex toilets and barmen with £65 haircuts) They try to have sex with people! They have crazy, kooky band names! What a load of cunts. Hopefully, Los Campesinos' "four sweaty boys with guitars say nothing about my life' comment will go down as the defining statement of this decade's music scene. The video is a total shitshow too. Oh, they can play guitar. Colour me fucking impressed.
Chart prediction: 20-30

The Feeling- Without You
Crikey, this is a bit 'Magic FM', even by The Feeling's standards. And how long has Dan-thingy-wotsit had that strange country-esque accent? As songs about American tragedies go, it owns Alan Jackson's 9/11 schmaltzfest, at least. The bit that rhymes 'gunman' with 'London' actually had me reaching for the sick bucket. And does he not know that most mobile phones can tell you what time it is anywhere in the world? Seeing as it's about three months to late to cash in on the tragedy, and it is generally quite a shit song, this is an odd choice for single, don'tcha think?
Chart prediction: 15-20

The Hoosiers- Cops and Robbers
Why does everything that The Hoosiers release sound like the set up for a dramatic scene in some amateurishly written musical? Maybe it's because all their songs sound the same anyway, I dunno. In the current piano-MOR scene, The Hoosiers are Steps to The Feeling's Spice Girls, right? Obviously a bit shit, but they know that, and don't really mind, and it's all just a bit of fun, etc etc. Scouting For Girls are Scooch, obviously. So, yes, it's rubbish, but The Hoosiers are easily one of the least hateable bands around these days (even though the singer looks like a children's entertainer), and if that can be considered an endorsement, then do.
Chart prediction: 10-15

Madonna- 4 Minutes
I'm still not sure how I feel about this at all. It sounds HUGE. But it spends so much time sounding HUGE that it forgets to go anywhere, really. And like a lot of Timbaland productions, it's all chorus, and not much tune. But SexyBack made Metal Machine Music sound positively melodic, so it's hard to complain about that. I just wish Madonna would a) stop writing all her own lyrics, and b) realise that she doesn't need to follow trends, and concentrate on making a record as amazing as Ray Of Light. It's looking increasingly likely that she never will.
Chart prediction: Number 1

My eyes, my eyes

Congratulations, Closer, you've put the entire population of Britain off food and women forever. The country will be full of anorexic bummers. So, it'll be G-A-Y, but bigger, really.

Chart Prediction Fun- Week One: The Week That Kind of Rhymed

Right folks, seeing as how actually reviewing singles seems so...formal, I thought it'd be more fun to just write a bit about them and then predict where they'll end up in the charts. The charts, as in the Top 40. Not the download charts, or airplay charts or whatever else is more 'important' these days, yeah? Okay.

Jack Johnson- Hope
Presumably shortened from the original title 'Hope (to God it Ends Soon Or I'm Reaching For The Cyanide)'. It's wallpaper, innit? Dinner party music for people who think Norah Jones is a bit too sonically dynamic. That's not a diss at Norah Jones, by the way, she's ace. There's absolutely no effort put in here, i mean all of his tracks sound like the last thing Johnson and 'the band' recorded at the end of the day a self satisfied pat on the back, drinks all round, but this is exceptionally lazy, even by his standards. You can imagine it being described as 'just something we came up with when we were jamming'. Urgh
Chart prediction- 30-40

Akon- I Can't Wait
Okay, hands up who knew T-Pain could play piano? This is a weird one, it sounds like a minute long intro to another track, but stretched out over a full song. Given the right context (The Sweet Escape, essentially), Akon's voice isn't entirely unpleasant. And T-Pain does all he can to help along with Autotune, but there's still something unnerving about a dude who had a song about people put their arses on the floor or whatever, trying to be all romantic. It's all a bit...rapey.
Chart prediction- 20-30

September- Cry For You
One of those big gay dance songs that Radio 1 playlists roughly 6 months after it becomes popular. There's a shiny penny for whoever can tell me what other dance song that main hook is taken from, 'cos it's really bloody bugging me. It's de rigeur to compare every popular/dancey Scandinavian popstress to Robyn (because, let's be honest, there's not that many other reference points in the British charts, really), but this is probably too big 'n' stupid to give her the longer term success that the Robyn album has had. Infernal learnt this the hard way, and they had at least four amazing tracks on theirs.
Chart prediction- top 5

Keyshia Cole- Let It Go
The video for this is amazing. Keyshia gets pwned by Missy Elliott at the start in a way no one has since Lil' Mama got told how to wear lip gloss by, erm, Big Mama(?). The song is sweet in a very nondescript way, and talks about 'loving the right way', which is presumably about bumming. Which is nice, because we've not had a good bumming song in the charts since Rachel Stevens let indie boys in her back door. The bit where Missy pronounces 'damn' with roughly eighteen 'y's is good too. That's about it really.
Chart prediction- 30-20

Goldfrapp- Happiness
Maybe it's because A&E seems to last all of 30 seconds, and then you have to put it on repeat for the next two hours, but this goes on for quite some time, doesn't it? Personally, i'd have gone with Caravan Girl or Little Bird as the next single from Seventh Tree, but I don't work at Mute, so there you go (to be honest, this is probably a good thing, since Mute are part of EMI, and i would probably be unemployed at this point). Hands down the best use of 'bom-ba-bom's in a song this year. Is there much higher praise than that?
Chart prediction- 10-15

The Last Shadow Puppets- The Age of the Understatement
'Galloping' would probably be the best word to describe this. More grandiose, but at the same time more subtle than any of the Arctic Monkey's output, it's probably not aimed for the bored teen NME set, but that's not really a problem. I hope Alex Turner's happy that he's doomed us to Reverend and the Maker's inevitable side-project with the singer from Milburn, featuring whoever does strings for Razorlight.
Chart prediction- top 10

Britney Spears- Break The Ice
It's depressing that Britney's best record (and the second best pop album of 2007) is doomed to be 'that one with the crap cover she did when she went mental'. Like everything on Blackout, Break The Ice is fucking brilliant- catchy, well produced, autotuned to within an inch of it's life and with enough batshit moments (the cat shriek sounds?) to keep it interesting. The video looks like someone with too much Hello Kitty! merchandise made it for Youtube, but we can let that one slide, given the circumstances, i think. The girl done good, again.
Chart prediction- 20-25