Countryfile: Volume one

I know what you're thinking. And it's not, as Nicola Roberts once said, my butt. You're thinking "Mr. Byron, why don't you dedicate more time to writing about country music?". My reply would be 'because most country music is shit'. But, as with any genre, there are always exceptions. However, the following songs are every bit as terrible as you might imagine. So grab your poundland cowboy hat and, erm, saddle up. Ew.

You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly



Ah, the old ones are literally the oldest ones. Yeah, the Youtube vid is a cover of the AMAZING and ANCIENT Loretta Lynn/Conway Twitty song. If you've not heard it, download it right now. It is the definitive song about not really liking somebody you're with (take that 'Kate Nash') and having ugly kids.

Big & Rich- Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)



Whoever said that country music was above smutty innuendo and chat up lines so unsubtle they make Rihanna's new album sound like mild suggestion was very wrong. It's like a bizzaro world Black Eyed Peas/

Trace Adkins- Honky Tonk Badonkadonk



This song is amazing on so many levels. It's basically what Tori Amos should have done instead of Big Wheel. It starts off sounding like the Seinfeld theme tune. It then goes on sounding like a filthy country song. And when you think you've figured out what's going on, there's A FUCKING HUGE EURO-HOUSE MIDDLE-8. It's obvious that they should just throw some sleigh bells over the top and release it as a Christmas song in December. The campaign for Christmas number one starts here....