2007 was a hell of a year for music, wasn’t it? M.I.A., LCD Soundsystem, Robyn, Patrick Wolf, Britney, Jens Lekman, Miranda Lambert, etc, etc. Well, forget all that old shit, because it’s time for The Brits 2008. If you think this is exciting, it’s going to be nothing compared to The Hoosiers sweeping the board next year. Anyway, here goes…
7.55- Matt Willis’ girlfriend said that the Brits were going live now, but Corrie is still on. If the writers think Anthony Cotton’s getting any sympathy whatsoever, they must be fucking joking.
8.00- For the second year in a row, it’s live! There’s skulls and stuff. Clearly they’ve stolen tonight’s theme from the artwork off Avril Lavigne’s last album. Mika’s the first act on. Fair dos, he’s not had an entirely unsuccessful year, but he really is fucking shit, isn’t he? There’s a good reason jingle writers rarely beak into the pop scene. Love Today should be soundtracking images of Findus Crispy Pancakes, not opening the biggest
8.01- Beth Ditto is in the building. You can tell because everyone’s drinks are trembling like in
8.03- Oh, he’s doing Grace Kelly. Slightly better, but not much. When all of your songs sound the same, a megamix is generally quite easy to do. He ends it on a big guitar breakdown, cos he’s rock and fucking roll. We get the popstars we deserve.
8.05- The Osbournes are presenting. The Brits are usually at least three years behind major trends, but, really? Wasn’t Anne Robinson available? I hear that Weakest link show is quite the hit nowadays.
8.07- Chris Moyles, who should really be writing for Nuts, not controlling the nation’s music tastes is giving out the first award, Best Live Act. Take That should walk this, just for Ricky Wilson’s reaction if they do. They do, but there’s no ‘real live band’ reaction shock, which is a shame. Anyone who thinks they don’t deserve this, bear in mind they spend 40 nights a year dealing with thousands of 30-something women who've had one too many Lambruscos, and would love to take home a piece of the group's clothing. There's prisoners of war that have dealt with less.
8.12- Rihanna and the Klaxons are on. This will either be really good, or absolutely shit. I’m slightly worried about Rihanna, she seems to be dressed up as Remi Nicole. The mix of Golden Skans and Umbrella isn’t going to give Richard X any sleepless nights, but it’s still going to end up as the night’s best performance. Probably.
8.16- Hooray! Fearne Cotton’s back! She’s got one of those reflector jackets on, so a truck won’t mow her down on the way home. Shame, that. There’s still time to vote in the British Single category. It’s going to be Leona either way, but whatevs. Fearne is actually on the verge of fellating Take That’s award.
8.22- Adele’s won the Critic’s Choice award, something brand new and meaningless for 2008. Isn’t it good that we’ve got some great, non-reality acts in the charts? Funny how they’re all coming out of the
8.26- British Breakthrough Act time. What’s the betting Adele will win this next year? God, Sharon Osbourne should never try to be sexy, ever. Mika’s won, and celebrates with some weird tribal call. Come on Mika, tell us whether you’re straight or gay. We’re simply dying to know.
8.30- Apparantly Kylie’s only been making pop since the 90’s. This seems odd, Kelly Osbourne should be well informed about 80’s music. It’s where she nicked most of her songs for, anyway. Kylie’s doing Wow, a track which sounds like Kylie doing an impression of Kylie. Although she probably asked for the dancers to be Daft Punk-y, they ended up looking like gayed up Securicor guards.
8.33- Mika plans to take a holiday for a few weeks.
8.39: QUESTION! It’s Kelly fucking Rowland! Best international male is up next. Kanye West should get this one, if we’re running by X-Factor rules. HIS. MUM. IS. DEAD, you see. He does win, and he’s talking. And not saying much at all, really.
8.42: Oh, Beth Ditto, fuck the fuck off. She’s wearing the Evans version of the dress Leona had in the Bleeding Love video. Oh, there’s actually an award here. If Mika wins this one, with Beth Ditto on the stage, I’m actually going to be reaching for the sick bucket. Mark Ronson’s won. He’s starstruck by Beth Ditto. His standards are obviously lower than his quality control over what he releases.
8.46: Apparently, the Kaiser Chiefs actually believe that Ruby is the best single of the year. It’s not even the best song of last year on Guitar Hero 3. Earlier, their set was described as the weirdest ever. It looks like it’s from that episode of Arrested Development with the Japanese investors.
8.50: There’s still still time to vote in the Best British Single category. The Hoosiers are nominated. Who’d have thought that in 2007, the future of pop would sound something like an ELO tribute band?
8.55: OMG, Pushing Daises advert. Watch it, watch it, WATCH IT.
8.56: Sharon Osbourne is now doing her tribute to Morticia Addams. Best International Female time. I think I’m actually in love with Feist, but that’s another story. Kylie has won, despite the fact that X is patchy as owt. There’s a huge elephant in the room, but no one’s going to address it because it’s impossible to bitch about Kylie without sounding like a total cunt.
9.00- Right, it’s Leona’s turn to perform. She’s still bleeding, still, still bleeding love.
9.04- The Best International Group is next, and Foo Fighters will win it because they always do. As a side note, the Kings Of Leon’s Glasto performance will be interesting this year. Are they going to do a Bassey, and run out of songs halfway through, so just do The Bucket twice?
9.07- In this day and age, is there anyone who still cares about James Nesbitt? Best British Female now. It’s obviously going to be Bats For Lashes or PJ Harvey, isn’t it? Shit the bed, Kate Nash won. On the positive side, she looks lovely and indie. On the negative, perhaps she should learn to write pop songs rather than a couple of catchy bits coupled with lyrics about ‘real life and shit’. Also, the second
9.11- Best International Album will be the Foo Fighters too. It fucking is. Dave Grohl is ripping on Shakespeare’s Sister. He can fuck right off, Stay is ace, and so is You’re History, to a lesser extent.
9.13- Adele and Mark Ronson do a Coldplay cover. It’s about as gripping as KY jelly. And anyone who wanted to know what the bloke who sings on his Smiths cover looked like is in luck. Anyone else, meh. Ronson’s talented, but that he gets a hugely hyped up performance whilst Brian Higgins doesn’t even get so much as a Xenomaniamania ITV2 special is a little bit shit, really.
9.16- Amy Winehouse is on stage, which would feel like a big pop moment, if she hadn’t have done just fine at the Grammys about a week ago. It was more fun last year when she was just a loveable alcoholic, wasn’t it? Her beehive was better then, too.
9.23- Best Group, and Girls Aloud are nominated, but won’t win. Yep, Girls Aloud didn’t win, but the Arctic Monkeys did, so it could have gone much, much worse. The Tangled Up for the Mercury Prize 2008 campaign starts here.
9.28- Winehouse is back on, doing the same song she did at the Mercury ceremony last year. She gives a shout out to Blake, which the audience fucking loves. ITV are endorsing criminal activity! Call Ofcom!
9.31- Alan Carr is here to present the Best British Single, which should shut Fearne up until next year. Take That won, which tells you something about the power of having a huge female fanbase who each have 500 free texts a month to waste. Mark Owen is dressed as that mental doctor who cuts up dead bodies on Channel 4.
9.35- Vic Reeves seems to be pulling a Joss Stone (not literally, but let's be honest, it wouldn't take much, would it?). What is it about the Brit awards that turns people into total wankers? The Arctic Monkeys win again. Are the next few years going to be nothing but Take That and the Arctic Monkeys? The Arctic Monkeys are rather tipsy, and are causing ‘anarchy’. Get on the NME website tomorrow to see the words ‘total fucking legends’ to be written roughly 3000 times.
9.43- Sir Paul McCartney, who is famous for the video he did that had Gareth from The Office in it has won the Brit for being successful for a very long time and being available to appear at the ceremony this year. Paul thinks British music is the best. Presumably he’s not witnessed the previous 100 minutes. Anyway, the last performance of the night is always the longest, which can be a good thing (Prince) or a bad thing (basically everyone else who has ever done it).
Paul has a mandolin. He plays it all night long. Whether it makes him want to kill his self is yet to be confirmed. If Scouting For Girls had written Dance Tonight, they’d be ripped to shreds, and rightly so. Ironically, the prize which should be the most celebratory (rewarding an artist for their oeuvre, rather than just a single or an album) is actually the most cynical. McCartney was offered the award over a decade ago, but refused. If he hadn’t got an album out, would he have really appeared? Shouldn’t it be about ‘the music’, anyway, not about who can appear? And in that case, are Duran Duran more deserving of a lifetime achievement award than a man without whom half of the bands nominated this year wouldn’t even exist? If the Brits really want to take a risk, they don’t need to hire ‘edgy’ presenters, or have drunken acceptance speeches, they should just not broadcast the ceremony. Let’s see if Universal and EMI are so interested in their acts performing when there’s less chance it’ll boost post-Christmas sales.
But, in the words of Kyle Broflovski, I’ve learnt something today. Kate Nash gives as boring an acceptance speech as Leona Lewis would have done (and at least hers wouldn’t have been half as preachy). Whilst she’s not the most interesting or genuine character, Leona Lewis is a better pop star than any of the Kaiser Chiefs will ever be. Yes, mostly, I’ve learnt things about Leona Lewis. Christ knows she’ll be one of the few nominees who’ll actually have a career in ten years time.
