The Singles Review, 21/01/2008

Jack Johnson- If I Had Eyes
Is he trying to outdo Melua in terms of absurd metaphors here? Her sailboat comparisons seem positively Wilde-esque compared to "if i had eyes in the back of my head, i would have told you that you looked good as you walked away". Johnson's got about eight flavours, all of them bland. Oh look, he's actually talking about breaking up with someone. This will totally reverse my opinion of him and his shitty musical stylings. Fucking spare me.
2/10

Jennifer Lopez- Hold It Don't Drop It
So by the numbers it might as well be an algebra textbook. Lopez's whole 'career renaissance' thing isn't going as well as planned really, is it? Perhaps somewhere between putting out the gayest album cover of all time and releasing her second single in a row that sounds like a watered-down Amerie album track, the public realised that, half a decade after Jenny From The Block, there's probably no need for a new J.Lo single. I'm sure she'll make back all the money she lost from the album by making diamante-covered baby grows or something.
4/10

Bodies Without Organs- Sunshine In The Rain
The original is a camp as tits sorta-ballad with perfect perfect handclaps, the Soul Seekerz remix is an equally camp as tits dance version. Short of a major pop revival and Amy Diamond topping the BBC's Sound of 2009 poll, it's hard to see a place for either in the British charts, which is a shame because BWO are a great pop band, and as such it's kind of upsetting that Alexander Bard's songs won't be greeted with anything more than a "LOL, Eurovision entry" reception from UK audiences.
6/10

Joss Stone- Baby Baby Baby
Oh, fuck off. Fuck off and die. It's pissing it down outside, there's floods all over Leeds and no amount off lite-soul and you singing about being on the beach and dancing or whatever will make it feel like summer. Some people can't take the hint.
3/10

Adele- Chasing Pavements
I'm not subscribing to the backlash, Adele's voice is a thing of absolute beauty, it's just a shame that her first major release is the one most makes her seem geared towards Radio 2. Even at her weakest though, there's still something real that doesn't come from Duffy or Foals or most acts of any genre. Anyway, i'll just be listening to Hometown Glory and ignoring the bitching from the Popjustice forums until this whole thing blows over and she becomes the biggest thing since Winehouse. Hopefully.
7/10

Robyn- Be Mine!
If you think this is getting less than full marks, you're reading the wrong blog. It's Robyn's big number, the dream audition showreel- she's heartbroken, defiant, ballsy, and even though it sounds like she's on top of things, by the time we get to the middle-8, it's revealed how fragile these things really are. It was perfect this time three years ago, it's only improved since then. I'm disqualifying it from the end of year singles top 40, because it absolutely fucking trounces almost every other song this decade. And does it with amazing string bits too.

Alison Goldfrapp and her amazing tent

Usually, this is where we'd embed Goldfrapp's video for A&E, but since the Youtube lifespan of the clip is generally about two hours before Mute yank it off the site, we won't bother. You've probably seen it anyway- Alison dances with some leaf people, there's an owl, etc, etc.

Anyway, we could talk about how the video is wonderful, looks lovely, and also pretty much encapsulates the feel of their new album (not that i've heard it. Ahem). Or how A&E is possibly their best single ever. But we won't. No, this space is reserved for Goldfrapp's lovely tent. Let's have a look...

Some people will say "but wouldn't it be nicer if the tent was covered in glitter? of if Alison and Will Gemagic'd it a bit? How about a few strobe lights? It's a bit bare, isn't it?". Perhaps they don't realise that Goldfrapp didn't want a big gay glitter tent, they wanted a nice orange one they could sit in the woods with. Yes, it's quite different from what they're used to, but the saying doesn't go "variety is the spice of life" for no reason now, does it? If anything, Goldfrapp's lovely tent has made us love the band even more, and look forward to whatever mode of shelter they choose next. The song's not too bad either, eh?

Some nice words for you to read

They call it manufactured pop, as if that were something to be ashamed of - but we are a manufacturing country. Down our conveyor belts come cars, and shoes, and biscuits, and guns, and pop bands. Useful things and beautiful things. Things that make us go faster, and things that make us feel like we are going faster. Things that we love passionately for a day, and then throw away, and things that we love passionately for a day, and then keep forever.

Being able to plan for and make our necessary things - instead of relying on accidents, or nature, to supply them - is one of the first signs that a society has achieved civilization. And what could be more necessary than pop? What else should we aim to pump out in such greedy, thrilling, giddying amounts?

The factory is a democratic place. Sometimes, the people working on the floor come cruising in on a Monday morning, still wearing Saturday night’s make-up and Sunday morning’s smile, and say, “Sod this.” They pull off their hair-nets, and jump on the conveyor belt themselves. They announce that they are pop stars, now. They make a band.

That’s allowed, in the factory, because we are a manufacturing country, and that means we are also allowed to manufacture ourselves. We are allowed to change our futures. We are Girls Aloud.

And in the band we manufacture, we don’t have to smile, if we don’t want to. We won’t have dance routines that ruin our hair. We don’t sing songs where we pretend that we’re scared, or that we can’t run in our heels, or that we don’t know exactly what we want. We don’t need no beauty sleep. We think you’re off your head. We text as we eat. We flirt while we work. We flick our finger at the world below. If we’d know, or if we’d cared, we would have stood around in the kitchen in our underwear.

When Jack Kerouac wrote On The Road in 1957, he said the people he loved the most were the Fabulous Yellow Roman Candles, who were mad to live, mad to talk, . We saw it on a t-shirt once. But anyone who was mad to live wouldn’t want to be a Roman Candle. Roman Candles are the rubbish ones. They’re over in thirty seconds. They don’t even spin, or fly. If we were a firework, we’d be a limousine full of dynamite. And we’d put the fire out with vodka. If we could be bothered.

If you know someone who sounds like us, we’ll give you a tenner. If you like someone better than us, frankly, we don’t care. We’re Girls Aloud. We’re Made In Britain.


Lovely

The first great single of 2008

They're really going for the whole 'new Mika' schtick, aren't they? It's working though, since Alphabeat are actually listenable. It's too early to say whether it'll be a hit- they're probably too Pop! (concept, not the shitty band) for Radio 1 and too dayglo for Radio 2. It all depends on how the BBC Sound of 2008 thing goes.

Watch this space...