The Museum Of Wrong, part one

Ella, ella, ella...eh?

The Rihanna album is actually Fucking Amazing. WTF?

I mean really, really amazing. It's the only album (thus far) this year where EVERY track is over an eight. It's sort of puzzling how someone like Rihanna who has had a 95:5 crap:gold ratio can release something so breathtakingly fantastico whilst Britney continues to mime along to decade old hits. Oh well, here's the 'rough guide' to 'Good Girl Gone Bad'.

Umbrella- This is number one (dislodging the equally mindblowingly brilliant Translyvania) and will be number one for Quite Some Time. She's 'doing the rounds' at the moment, and the version with added guitar is rather super.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: It's about love and shit, but the Umbrella is probably her fanny (hence the 'come into me' line)

Push Upon Me- This had great yelpy chorus and really obnoxious snares

Don't Stop The Music- OMG Eurohouse. It's like a non shit Cascada
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'Your aura is incredible'= i took a whole bunch of drugs and now you just look like colours

Breakin' Dishes: It's like Bossy with a whole bunch of synths thrown in for no good reason. Basically, everything pop should be. Like Umbrella, it has shitty middle-8 syndrome, but you forget about it as soon as it's over.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: The songs all about an angsty trip to Ikea which, as all Ikea trips do, ends up with somebody throwing 19p plates at the wall.

Shut Up And Drive: Too many people are concerned with sounding 'angry' and 'serious' (cough *Kelly Clarkson* cough) when they should be making things that are as brilliantly stupid as this.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'A whole lot of boom in the back'= explosive diarrohea

Hate That I Love You: It's the shittiest thing on the album and is better than Irreplaceable and by some distance the best thing Ne-Yo has ever put his voice on.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'I hate that i love you so'= You are good in bed, but a little less 'boom in the back' wouldn't go amiss, please.

Say It: Absolutley terrifying. There's a horrifying distorted backing track that makes it sounds like a nightmare sequence. This'll learn 'em.

Sell Me Candy: Mel C must be kicking herself after hearing this one.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: The whole song is about sucking on sweets. I hope she cleans her teeth before she goes to bed.

Lemme Get That: M.I.A. meets Boney-M at Timbaland's house
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'I got a house and i need new furniture'= boob job paid for by Jay-Z

Rehab: Straight up rip-off of 'What Goes Around...', which is still better than anything Rihanna did up to 2006.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'I should never have let you into my door'= Ahem.

Question Existing: It's starts off like R Kelly at his most lyrically terrible (ergo brilliant) and only improves from thereonin.

Good Girl Gone Bad: Final proof that, even for Jack Penate's sins, thee's a reason not to brn every guitar in the world.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'It's easy for a good girl to go bad'= My next album will be so shit it will make you want to take a holiday at Club 18-30: Auschwitz.