The Brits 2007: Every crushing blow

It's live. It's dangerous. It's got a thirty second delay just in case somebody swears. Yes folks, it's The Brits 2007. It's bringing sexy back and for some inexplicable reason, it's brought Russell Brand with it. Anybody who says this isn't the Best! Brits! Ever! is a bloody fool.

8.03: The Scissor Sisters open the show. Jake Shears has been taking fashion tips from gay soldiers in sci-fi films. There's disembodied legs akimbo. It's bloody terrifying. Isn't this basically their new video, but to the only hit song from the album? Hmm. I can't find the remote control, so the subtitles are on, and 'hilariously' it says 'umpires' instead of 'empires'. Which was obviously the most entertaining part of the whole performance.

8.08: Russell Brand arrives. He seems less prozac'd up than usual. Oh, he made a gag about music execs. Christ, that'll go down well. He twitters on for what seems like eighteen years. Ooh drugs references. Badass.

8.11: Fucking hell! It's Lily Allen's dad! He's proud of his daughter. How nice for him. Muse are the best British Live Act, apparently. The microphones are being handed to them by local prostitutes. Perhaps they shouldn't have blown the budget on two bloody stages.

8.14: Snow Patrol play Chasing Cars. Will to live decreases severely. On a not entirely unrelated side note, there's a ludicrous rave remix of Chasing Cars floating about somewhere, which comes highly recommended. It pans out exactly as you'd expect it would, but is around 70 times as entertaining than the original.

8.18: Fearne Cotton, professional starfucker, asks Muse if they're pleased they won the award. We discover that they are. The British Single OF THE YEAR!!!! shortlist is unveiled. All white, all male, all Q approved. Sigh.

8.25: Can you say ejaculate on ITV at half eight? Russell Brand just did, muthafuckers. Hooray it's Jarvis! It's time for the British Breakthrough Act. Think the NME Awards Best New Act, but five years later. Voted by Radio 1 listeners. The Fratellis win. Quelle surprise. You literally cannot tell what they're saying. It's not because they're Scottish. It's because they're drunk. Okay, it's because they're Scottish.

8.30: OMG!! It's Toni Collette. Little Miss Sunshine was ace, wasn't it? I'm not sure what the award it is, as I got distracted by Collette. The winner was Orson, and when it was announced, one of them came everywhere (alright, it was 'Champagne' (yeah right, it's Orson), but it just looked funny, okay?). It was disturbing. The bald one is wearing a cap to disguise his baldness. It's not working, really.

8.34: Amy Winehouse performs, and it's amazing. Even if the set is worrying reminiscent of Sarah Silverman's hysterical "I Love You More" sketch. She doesn't forget the words (too much), manages to stand up all the way through, and doesn't end the song by throwing up into one of the drums. I suppose you could call it a triumph.

8.37: It's Best British Male time. Joss Stone's done something horrible with her hair. She's not going to plug her new album is she? No, but she is going to pace across the stage, put on a fucking annoying Yankee twang, and make bloody rubbish jokes. Thank you Joss. Now, fuck off. James Morrison won. "Just over a year ago, he was busking in Cornwall!" says easily impressed voiceover woman. Just over a year ago, we'd never heard of James Morrison. It was a simpler time, it was a happier time. He thanks his label, his friends and his girlfriend, but not God. If this was America, he'd be smited (smote?) by now.

8.41: Fearne Cotton has just described The Fratellis and Orson as 'gorgeous men'. She must have been blinded by Orson's lead singer's shiny bald head.

8.48: It's now the award for Best International Male Solo Artist. Justin Timberlake wins! This is great. He can't accept the award in person because he's off shagging actresses who aren't ten years his senior. Good for him.

8.50: The Killers perform When You Were Young. It's still a crap song, even if the second chorus is much better than the first.

8.55: It's Best British Female. Winehouse wins. Will she be able to get up to the stage? It's live! It's dangerous! Who knows what could happen? Oh christ, she didn't even punch Jo Whiley. How disappointing.

8.58: Russell Brand makes a joke about Britney's vagina. Yawn. Ricky Wilson calls Best International Female category 'best international girl' in a vaguely misogynistic way. Nelly Furtado wins, which is totally amazing, even if she did record a song about being a bit of a slag. Two good winners in a row? What's happening? Nelly runs off when Russell Brand comes on to the stage. I don't blame you, love. He's Frank Gallagher styled by the NME.

9.01: Take That are on now. They're performing Patience on the gayest set ever made.

9.05: Fearne Cotton plugs the text-in vote for Best British Single for the umpteenth time, and is so desperate with boredom she's actually looking forward to seeing the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Don't worry Fearne, I'm sure your evening will end with you leaving the after show party with Matt Willis or Lil' Chris.

9.10: Anthony Head's presenting an award. I wish I was watching Buffy. Oh, it's the Best British Group award. All male, all white, all Q approved. Are we noticing a pattern? The winner is… the Arctic Monkeys. And they've sent a 'hilarious' video message. Fun.

9.14: What's the Best International Album, I hear you cry. Why, it's The Killers, with their spectacular LP "Sophomore Slump". Still if you want to see not-as-good-or-as-fit-as-they-used-to-be Mormon pop groups, it's the 'edgy' Brits you be seeking.

9.16: The Red Hot Chili Peppers are on. I'm off to get some chocolate.

9.18: They're still on? Christ.

9.19: Dani California has at least 5 of the world's worst rhyming couplets ever.

9.20: Oh, they're not even playing music anymore. It's just noise.

9.25: It's Sophie Ellis Bextor. She's presenting an award, not receiving one, but oh well. She also retains her amazing look of utter contempt as Russell Brand and Steven Tyler bitch about each other's hair. The Killers win. Catch You is amazing, no? The Killers feel privileged to receive an award from Steven Tyler, but don't mention Bexto. Clearly they've never heard Murder On The Dancefloor.

21:30: Your racist grandmother's favourite black artist: Corinne Bailey-Rae's performing now. Somebody, probably the same person who designed the set for Take That, thought Put Your Records On warranted a dance breakdown in the middle 8. They were wrong.

21:32: It's Real Music For Real People time, the Best British Single award. Ironically presented by Alan Carr, who may as well be a caricature. Take That win, which I'm considering a glorious victory for fake music. Poor Jo Wiley must be in the corner sobbing.

21.38: Best British album is the Arctic Monkeys. Cue another witty video acceptance speech. They're dressed up as the Village People this time. What will they do next?

21.39: Fearne Cotton interviews Take That. She's having a flashback to the dark days of being young and listening to pop, before growing up and getting into real music like Razorlight and Snow Patrol.

21.45: Outstanding Contribution To British Music is Oasis. Depending on how you feel about the band, this'll either be the best thing ever or make you want to pull your brain out through your nostrils. Personally, it's the latter. So commenting on the next 15 minutes of Liam slurring through 'the classics' would be pointless and utterly joyless.

Which, I guess, brings us to the end of The Brits 2007. So what have we learnt? That 'edgy' means saying 'ejaculation' pre-watershed, or Mark Owen's speech being dubbed over by silence. That, despite having one of the biggest selling albums of 2006, the Scissor Sisters aren't as popular as they used to be. That you can make a show as 'dangerous' as you like, but if there's nothing but mediocre acts, it'll be no fun whatsoever. And finally, that the organisers really should get Simon Amstell to do it next year. Wow, it really was the most exciting Brits ever.