It's live. It's dangerous. It's got a thirty second delay just in case somebody swears. Yes folks, it's The Brits 2007. It's bringing sexy back and for some inexplicable reason, it's brought Russell Brand with it. Anybody who says this isn't the Best! Brits! Ever! is a bloody fool.
8.03: The Scissor Sisters open the show. Jake Shears has been taking fashion tips from gay soldiers in sci-fi films. There's disembodied legs akimbo. It's bloody terrifying. Isn't this basically their new video, but to the only hit song from the album? Hmm. I can't find the remote control, so the subtitles are on, and 'hilariously' it says 'umpires' instead of 'empires'. Which was obviously the most entertaining part of the whole performance.
8.08: Russell Brand arrives. He seems less prozac'd up than usual. Oh, he made a gag about music execs. Christ, that'll go down well. He twitters on for what seems like eighteen years. Ooh drugs references. Badass.
8.11: Fucking hell! It's Lily Allen's dad! He's proud of his daughter. How nice for him. Muse are the best British Live Act, apparently. The microphones are being handed to them by local prostitutes. Perhaps they shouldn't have blown the budget on two bloody stages.
8.14: Snow Patrol play Chasing Cars. Will to live decreases severely. On a not entirely unrelated side note, there's a ludicrous rave remix of Chasing Cars floating about somewhere, which comes highly recommended. It pans out exactly as you'd expect it would, but is around 70 times as entertaining than the original.
8.18: Fearne Cotton, professional starfucker, asks Muse if they're pleased they won the award. We discover that they are. The British Single OF THE YEAR!!!! shortlist is unveiled. All white, all male, all Q approved. Sigh.
8.25: Can you say ejaculate on ITV at half eight? Russell Brand just did, muthafuckers. Hooray it's Jarvis! It's time for the British Breakthrough Act. Think the NME Awards Best New Act, but five years later. Voted by Radio 1 listeners. The Fratellis win. Quelle surprise. You literally cannot tell what they're saying. It's not because they're Scottish. It's because they're drunk. Okay, it's because they're Scottish.
8.30: OMG!! It's Toni Collette. Little Miss Sunshine was ace, wasn't it? I'm not sure what the award it is, as I got distracted by Collette. The winner was Orson, and when it was announced, one of them came everywhere (alright, it was 'Champagne' (yeah right, it's Orson), but it just looked funny, okay?). It was disturbing. The bald one is wearing a cap to disguise his baldness. It's not working, really.
8.34: Amy Winehouse performs, and it's amazing. Even if the set is worrying reminiscent of Sarah Silverman's hysterical "I Love You More" sketch. She doesn't forget the words (too much), manages to stand up all the way through, and doesn't end the song by throwing up into one of the drums. I suppose you could call it a triumph.
8.37: It's Best British Male time. Joss Stone's done something horrible with her hair. She's not going to plug her new album is she? No, but she is going to pace across the stage, put on a fucking annoying Yankee twang, and make bloody rubbish jokes. Thank you Joss. Now, fuck off. James Morrison won. "Just over a year ago, he was busking in Cornwall!" says easily impressed voiceover woman. Just over a year ago, we'd never heard of James Morrison. It was a simpler time, it was a happier time. He thanks his label, his friends and his girlfriend, but not God. If this was America, he'd be smited (smote?) by now.
8.41: Fearne Cotton has just described The Fratellis and Orson as 'gorgeous men'. She must have been blinded by Orson's lead singer's shiny bald head.
8.48: It's now the award for Best International Male Solo Artist. Justin Timberlake wins! This is great. He can't accept the award in person because he's off shagging actresses who aren't ten years his senior. Good for him.
8.50: The Killers perform When You Were Young. It's still a crap song, even if the second chorus is much better than the first.
8.55: It's Best British Female. Winehouse wins. Will she be able to get up to the stage? It's live! It's dangerous! Who knows what could happen? Oh christ, she didn't even punch Jo Whiley. How disappointing.
8.58: Russell Brand makes a joke about Britney's vagina. Yawn. Ricky Wilson calls Best International Female category 'best international girl' in a vaguely misogynistic way. Nelly Furtado wins, which is totally amazing, even if she did record a song about being a bit of a slag. Two good winners in a row? What's happening? Nelly runs off when Russell Brand comes on to the stage. I don't blame you, love. He's Frank Gallagher styled by the NME.
9.01: Take That are on now. They're performing Patience on the gayest set ever made.
9.05: Fearne Cotton plugs the text-in vote for Best British Single for the umpteenth time, and is so desperate with boredom she's actually looking forward to seeing the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Don't worry Fearne, I'm sure your evening will end with you leaving the after show party with Matt Willis or Lil' Chris.
9.10: Anthony Head's presenting an award. I wish I was watching Buffy. Oh, it's the Best British Group award. All male, all white, all Q approved. Are we noticing a pattern? The winner is… the Arctic Monkeys. And they've sent a 'hilarious' video message. Fun.
9.14: What's the Best International Album, I hear you cry. Why, it's The Killers, with their spectacular LP "Sophomore Slump". Still if you want to see not-as-good-or-as-fit-as-they-used-to-be Mormon pop groups, it's the 'edgy' Brits you be seeking.
9.16: The Red Hot Chili Peppers are on. I'm off to get some chocolate.
9.18: They're still on? Christ.
9.19: Dani California has at least 5 of the world's worst rhyming couplets ever.
9.20: Oh, they're not even playing music anymore. It's just noise.
9.25: It's Sophie Ellis Bextor. She's presenting an award, not receiving one, but oh well. She also retains her amazing look of utter contempt as Russell Brand and Steven Tyler bitch about each other's hair. The Killers win. Catch You is amazing, no? The Killers feel privileged to receive an award from Steven Tyler, but don't mention Bexto. Clearly they've never heard Murder On The Dancefloor.
21:30: Your racist grandmother's favourite black artist: Corinne Bailey-Rae's performing now. Somebody, probably the same person who designed the set for Take That, thought Put Your Records On warranted a dance breakdown in the middle 8. They were wrong.
21:32: It's Real Music For Real People time, the Best British Single award. Ironically presented by Alan Carr, who may as well be a caricature. Take That win, which I'm considering a glorious victory for fake music. Poor Jo Wiley must be in the corner sobbing.
21.38: Best British album is the Arctic Monkeys. Cue another witty video acceptance speech. They're dressed up as the Village People this time. What will they do next?
21.39: Fearne Cotton interviews Take That. She's having a flashback to the dark days of being young and listening to pop, before growing up and getting into real music like Razorlight and Snow Patrol.
21.45: Outstanding Contribution To British Music is Oasis. Depending on how you feel about the band, this'll either be the best thing ever or make you want to pull your brain out through your nostrils. Personally, it's the latter. So commenting on the next 15 minutes of Liam slurring through 'the classics' would be pointless and utterly joyless.
Which, I guess, brings us to the end of The Brits 2007. So what have we learnt? That 'edgy' means saying 'ejaculation' pre-watershed, or Mark Owen's speech being dubbed over by silence. That, despite having one of the biggest selling albums of 2006, the Scissor Sisters aren't as popular as they used to be. That you can make a show as 'dangerous' as you like, but if there's nothing but mediocre acts, it'll be no fun whatsoever. And finally, that the organisers really should get Simon Amstell to do it next year. Wow, it really was the most exciting Brits ever.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
The Brits 2007: Every crushing blow
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Madness Gone Emo: The Singles Review
This week, Lil' Chris talks S-E-X, Lily Ahhhleeeen gets a bit miserable and Shakira releases another song which isn't Hips Don't Lie.
Paolo Nuitini- Rewind
Paolo's surely the single most rubbish person in pop music. He can't pronounce any words, he can't sing, he can't dance, he has a reheeely annoying voice and considers himself to have all the troubles in the world, despite being 19 years old. You have to wonder if he's had some terrible childhood, but the press release says his parents owned a fish and chip shop. Perhaps it made him have greasy hair or something, I don't know.
3/10- Worst Single Of The Week
Shakira- Illegal
Thus continuing our run of "quite good female solo acts who inexplicably release terrible ballads". Following Pink and Christina's crappy efforts, here's Shakira, this time featuring Santana. OMG this is totally amazing news and Santana could have only duetted with Shakira, and not with Michelle Branch, that bloke from Matchbox 20 and numerous other bloody terrible acts. She still sounds a bit like a goat, btw.
4/10
Pussycat Dolls- Wait A Minute
Popjustice have a theory that each Pussycat Dolls single released is better than the last one, and i'd probably have to agree. Here's a list of the singles they've released and what they would have got/have gotten.
Don't Cha- 2/10
Stickwitu- 2/10
Beep- 3/10
Buttons- 4/10
I Don't Need A Man- 5/10
Anyway, point proven (Christ on a bike, how many fucking singles do you need to release from one album?). Not even Timbaland (who sounds bored throughout- this was released last year, so perhaps he was too busy thinking about how much better Maneater is than this) can save it from being okay, though. They're still about as sexy as gingivitis though.
6/10
L'allen- Littlest Things
This is okay too. The piano's way too loud, or Lily's voice is too quiet, i'm not sure which, and "we spent the weekend lying in our dirt" sounds to be the result of taking too many tranquilsers and laxatives, which I doubt would be a fond memory. But how crap was she on Buzzcocks? Boo! Hiss! Etc, etc.
5/10
The Killers- Bones
"Your new stuff sound like Bruce Springsteen" said a TV person to The Killers this morning. This doesn't sound like Springsteen. It sounds like Madness gone emo. Especially if you start listening to it midway through the verses.
5/10
Lil' Chris- Gettin' Enough
Fucking hell. The video is genius, but the song is something like Blink 182 covering the Buzzcocks for the soundtrack of American Pie: The Pre School Years, in which Jim sticks his dick in the sandpit and pisses everywhere. Since Lil' Chris is what, eight years old, I'll put it in school report terms: Must Try Harder.
5/10
Nobody gets single of the week, as the Pussycat Dolls have scored this week's highest marks, and the day they get single of the week is the same day I begin to accept Ronan Keating as our lord and saviour. Next time, we look at the kind of shit that might be going for Christmas number one.
Samples From Hell 2006: The Singles Review
This week, Gwen Stefani yodels, Muse go for EPIC ROCK and The Fratellis need a kick in the teeth.
Gwen Stefani- Wind It Up
I don't know how much worse this song can be. Sounding like a watered down version of Fergie seems pretty desperate, no? But that's before you add the sample. Generally in music, samples lift a song, adding a hook, giving an otherwise crappy song something memorable. Stefani's ensured that Wind It Up is memorable, alright, but only for being the WORST single she, or anybody with the XX chromosome has ever released. If you listen carefully, you can almost hear her and Pharell sighing "will this do", which is an attitude that's generally reserved for new singles from Greatest Hits albums or X-Factor winner's first releases. The video takes the medium to new heights of ridiculousness, up to the point where you wish that the Nazis from The Sound Of Music would round up Stefani and her ridiculous sidekicks, and give them a makeover, akin to the one Saturn gives his newborn children. It's an utterly, utterly stupid move for a woman who looked like she could be the new Madonna, but is now on her way to becoming the new Samantha Fox.
1/10- Worst Single of the Week
The Fratellis- Whistle For The Choir
Oh Christ. "Indie band who had moderate hit show their sensitive side by releasing a strummy ballad". It's called Whistle For The Choir and there's whistling! LOL! Apart from looking rough as buggery, there's little to distinguish The Fratellis from the tsunami of horrible NME approved indie tosspots that clog up mainstream radio stations ALL DAY LONG. Fuck off.
4/10
Muse- Knights Of Cydonia
The problem I have with Muse is the rabid fanbase they have. They're as bad as Toriphiles, in the sense that if you suggest that their idols may not be as good as everybody thinks they are, they're likely to throw flaming spears in your eyes before attacking you with a bag of Cox apples. The band's clearly very talented, personally I find the EPIC ROCK revival slightly depressing (am I the only one who thinks they're just The Darkness with better tunes and decent hair?). The problem with a fanbase who would gladly lap up your actual shit is that you can release any old bollocks, and they'll proclaim it to be genius (hey Tori!).
6/10
Cascada- Truly Madly Deeply
Remeber these? They had that AMAZING video where the woman went to the library, messed up all the books and made everybody dance. You'd have thought this would have meant an equally inventive follow-up video, also set in a public building. She goes to the emergency ward and unplugs the life support machines, whilst lap dancing? Off to the town hall to gyrate over the Mayor's desk? No, it's in a hotel room, which any old bag can do (hey Emma Bunton!). The song's equally godawful, and sounds EXACTLY like Everytime We Touch, except it's a Savage Garden cover, which Isn't Much Good At All. Boo.
4/10
Nelly Furtado- All Good Things
Chris Martin, to all intents and purposes, is a cunt. However, one thing he does very well is write songs for female singer types. Well, okay, he basically just did that Jamelia one, but I think we can all agree it was rather good. This is possibly better. It's the best pop ballad since Whole Lotta History (the only Girls Aloud ballad that's worth a damn), and, whilst completley at odds with the Promiscuous girl Furtado claims she is, rather lovely. And in the video, her fringe is quite nice too.
8/10
Jamelia- Beware Of The Dog
Okay folks, enjoy this. Because it's the last Great Pop Single of the year, and possibly the last 9/10 I'll give until Siobhan Donaghy's single (which is bound to be brilliant). Make note Stefani, this is how you use a sample. You launch into it within two seconds of the song starting, making the listener realise that this shit IS official, and the next three minutes will be totally fantastic. Then you put in a great chorus, AND talk about dogs. Finally, you get really clever and reference the original song, ensuring that any stupid people who haven't done their research feel out of the loop. Jamelia should be Britain's biggest pop star at the moment. Instead the Americans go apeshit for Lady Sov. It really makes you wonder...
9/10- Single of the Week!
Next week, the Pussycat Dolls scrape right through the barrel, The Killers sing about bones and Paolo Nuitini's still unhappy about something. G'bye!
Anti MILFs- The Singles Review 14/11/2006
Pink- Nobody Knows
Christina, I take it all back. At least I know where I am with your warbly voice. The problem with Pink doing ballads is that she spends so much time telling you'll she'll kick yo ass in the rest of her songs, that when she tries to do 'emotionally honest heartbreakers' (read piano led snoozefests) i'm not sure if she's going to beat me up or collapse on the floor, crying. I miss 'U _ Ur Hand'. It sounds much better now than it did two months ago.
3/10
Westlife- The Rose
As with McFly, there's no point criticising Westlife. Anybody with half a brain knows that they're shite, but people buy their records regardless. They shameless target the over-40 anti-MILFs who only get one CD a year, which usually comes from Tesco. I'd like to think that even soulless Irish robots have souls, but i'm in doubt that they even have the artistic integrity of, say a Ward or Brookstein. The song itself is so boring, i actually want to listen to Pink's new single again. Louis Walsh has a lot to answer for.
2/10- Worst Single of the Week
Damien Rice- Nine Crimes
Oh wow, it's an even more 'troubled' James Blunt with art school sensibilities. Just what the housewives ordered.
4/10
Fergie- Fergalicious
Fergie seems to be, and I mean this in the nicest possible sense, an STD ridden skank who got lucky. However this means she's a deserving popstar. She has no likeable personality features, a voice that resembles a drain being unblocked and dances, to put it bluntly, like a spaz. The reason she's a deserving popstar isn't because of her music, it's because she knows that if she wasn't doing this, at best she'd be a waitress, at worst, she'd just be another drug addict living on the streets. If they weren't playing in irritating bands, indie groups all would have jobs at their father's company by now. But since Fergie probably can't read, if somebody asks her to rub cake all over herself, she'll do it gladly, fully aware that there's worse things in the world than icing in your nether regions. She might be being exploited, but she goes to a five star hotel at the end of the shoot.(Note- the song's dreadful)
4/10
Justin Timberlake- My Love
By now, Timbaland's like a high quality US crime or medical show (I'm talking CSI, House, etc.). He's got his main cast (Timberlake, Furtado, Omarion), his formula (near-genius beats, synths, lyrics about s-e-x), and occasionally throws in some guest stars for good measure (Timberlake's joined by craptacular US rapper TI). And like House or CSI, no matter how many times the formula's repeated, it's never any less than entertaining. I like Timberlake now he's obsessed with sex. Okay, so he might go a bit soppy on this, but you get the distinct feeling that if it moves, he'd shag it.
7/10
Robyn- Konichiwa Bitches (on The Rakamonie EP)
I've been in complete love with this song for about a year now. It's what Promiscuous might have sounded like if it included a lyric about "coming in your mouth" and less nudge nudge, hint hint. It's by no means the best song on the album (that honour goes to Handle Me. It's difficult to think of any other pop star who's described somebody as a "nazi creep" with quite so much joy). There's so many great moments here, I could spend all evening pointing them out and still have missed some (although highlights include the Cure sample and the part with the voice generator). Robyn makes quite a convicing case for single of the year.
9/10- Single of the Week
Brand New Now To You: The Singles Review
It's a particularly poptastic week for The Singles Review. A former stripper attempts to become a pop star on a budget of £3.80, some old women decide thay don't hate each other after all, and Christina's still upset about something or other. First up, it's Kasabian. Oh joy.
Kasabian- Shoot The Runner
I hate Kasabian. I hate their songs. I hate how dull they are. I hate that their sudden attempt at relevence is little more than the regurgitation of the half baked ideologies of Barat and Doherty. I get the feeling I'd have more respect for their 'creamy old England' vision if they went the whole hog and asked Liverpool to bring back the slave ships. What I hate more than anything is how they attempt to make an 'okay' indie track into something epic, by putting the riff from Keane's 'Is It Any Wonder' in the middle. Urgh. Horrible.
3/10- Worst Single of the Week
Christina Aguilera- Hurt
LOOK AT MY BIIIIIIIIGGGGG VOICE. ISN'T IT HUGE? PERHAPS YOU'LL BE SO DISTRACTED BY THE ENORMITY, YOU WON'T NOTICE THE SONG'S ACTUALLY CACK. HOLD ON, LET'S SEE HOW LONG I CAN HOLD THIS NOTE FOR. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. E.T.C.
5/10
Michelle Marsh- I Don't Do
This might have been good. Give the song to a half decent production house, and have it performed by a Furtado, Spears or even (shudder) Fergie, it could have been a decent pop song. As it happens, the guitars at the chorus are barely audible, Marsh puts nothing across and her voice is so weak, it'd take more than Pro Tools to make it listenable. This is why America's a better country than Britain. When somebody who's most famous for taking her clothes off decides she wants to become a pop star, she's given a 'quite good' Blondie rip-off. We get the bargain bucket Britney.
4/10
Sugababes- Easy
The first few listens, this is dreadful. It's written by Orson and you can tell. The lyrics are a terrible combination of Peaches and Bolton hen-night seduction-gone-wrong (it's about sex. We got it the first time, you don't need to reiterate yourelf through the WHOLE FUCKING SONG). The instrumentation is tired at best. And the chorus is mid-90s and oddly anticlimatic. Then, for reasons unknown to many, it suddenly becomes brilliant after about seventh time you've heard it. I'm still not sure why, and I doubt i'll ever know. The verses are still dreadful, though.
7/10
All Saints- Rock Steady
I really like this. Really really really like this. All Saints always seemed to be the Sugababes to the Spice Girl's Girls Aloud- not as popular, but arguably more interesting. Rock Steady isn't as good as at least five Sugababes singles, but if anything, that's a representation of how far along girl group pop has come since 2000. The reviews of this have been unfairly savage. Christ, if this is the dregs, it's little wonder that nobody wants to buy anything by boybands. A very welcome return.
8/10- Single Of The Week
All Those Lonely Nights Down By The River- The Singles Review 23/10/06- Part Two
McFly- Star Girl
It feels almost pointless criticising McFly. They've got a rabid fanbase, who've got parents with too much money, which is always okay if you're a band, and at least three of their singles were quite good. This is almost quite good, but then again, it isn't. It sounds like a song I've heard at least seven different versions of, none of which I care for.
4/10- Worst Single of the Week
The Kooks- Ooh La
For a wonderful thirty seconds from reading the title to finding the song, I thought this might be a Goldfrapp cover. Then i found out that it's actually a cover of Naive, which was shit in the first place. Which is good for Radio 1 listeners, but bad for anybody with ears.
5/10
Gym Class Heroes- New Friend Request
Curiouser and curiouser. The only way to describe it is Myspace hip-hop-pop with lots of emo fans. I'm not allowed to give GCH a bad review because Sarah will hunt me down with dogs. Itr's a good job that it's a witty little song, and whilst it is about Myspace, it doesn't make you want to vomit up you own spleen. So hooray for that, then.
7.5/10
Rhianna- We Ride
Oh, this is dross. Well produced dross, but dross nontheless. Is it written by Ne-Yo? Hold on, I'll Wikipedia it...it's written by the people who write for Ne-Yo. I thought he wrote his own stuff. Hmm. Anyway, the only thing we can really be thankful for is that she's not threatening to kill somebody. She really needs to use more 80's samples.
5/10
Nylon- Closer
If Girls Aloud only did ballads, they'd sound like Nylon. Scary thought, no? Actually, the ballads are alright, still, does anybody listen to pop bands purely for real emotion? It's coupled with a fucking horrible cover of Sweet Dreams. which is probably the worse thing to happen to Annie Lennox since her ginger hair.
5/10
Alesha- Knockdown
We know the video's classy. The song's bloody brilliant though. It's a Xenomania song that sounds nothing like a Xenomania song, and the laughing bit, and hip-hop breakdown are both ridiculous, so therefore brilliant. I might actually buy the album.
8/10
Amy Winehouse- Rehab
There's a period for two weeks a year when Radio 2 becomes listenable, purely down to one song. Last year it was 'King of the Mountaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnn', this year, it's Amy. Whilst 'Frank' was an above average stab at hiop-hop. this shows no signs of chasing any trends. It doesn't need to. This time next year, there'll be at least 20 watered down versions of this performed by X-Factor finalists. Lets enjoy it while we can.
9/10- Single of the Week
The Amazing New Alesha Video
This is clever. The line's about sitting near a window. She's sitting near a window. L!O!L!
Accompanying the ridiculous 'ha ha ha' bit in the song is the ridiculous 'free bird' dance. However, the Classy DANCERS are back. And Alesha's hat is even sillier than it was before. It looks like it could be worn at Ascot Lady's Day. A classy event.
Oh no! The Classy Dancers are in 'normal' clothing. They've gone into some kind of seizure! Does anybody know CPR? You bet your ass Alesha does.
Phew. They're okay. All it took was the bird dance. Note how they all gather round Alesha. Her natural classiness simply glows from her, so they leech off it, knowing, until they get their 3 piece suits back from the dry cleaners, that further attacks could occur at any time.
