M.I.A.'s new album cover is about as subtle as you would expect

Amazing, no?

I don't care, just drop it off

It's sort of embarassing being from the UK at the moment. We're lagging behind in the pop stakes at the moment, and for some reason, 2007's best stuff is coming out of the US. We've already had Rihanna stealing the summer (and good weather), Hilary Duff becoming the new Rachel Stevens, and now (Disney's own!??!?) Aly & AJ making one of the year's best pop albums. Obviously, the whole 'fags should burn' mentality is not something i would necessarily agree with, but i honestly couldn't give a fuck about their beliefs when they make something as brilliantly clever/stupid as The Potential Break-Up song. The whole album's pretty decent, and kind of gives you hope for the rest of Disney's teenpop brigade, even after Hannah fucking Montana.



New Girls Aloud logo. Hmm. Although Sexy! No, no, no can't come soon enough, frankly.

Countryfile: Volume one

I know what you're thinking. And it's not, as Nicola Roberts once said, my butt. You're thinking "Mr. Byron, why don't you dedicate more time to writing about country music?". My reply would be 'because most country music is shit'. But, as with any genre, there are always exceptions. However, the following songs are every bit as terrible as you might imagine. So grab your poundland cowboy hat and, erm, saddle up. Ew.

You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly



Ah, the old ones are literally the oldest ones. Yeah, the Youtube vid is a cover of the AMAZING and ANCIENT Loretta Lynn/Conway Twitty song. If you've not heard it, download it right now. It is the definitive song about not really liking somebody you're with (take that 'Kate Nash') and having ugly kids.

Big & Rich- Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)



Whoever said that country music was above smutty innuendo and chat up lines so unsubtle they make Rihanna's new album sound like mild suggestion was very wrong. It's like a bizzaro world Black Eyed Peas/

Trace Adkins- Honky Tonk Badonkadonk



This song is amazing on so many levels. It's basically what Tori Amos should have done instead of Big Wheel. It starts off sounding like the Seinfeld theme tune. It then goes on sounding like a filthy country song. And when you think you've figured out what's going on, there's A FUCKING HUGE EURO-HOUSE MIDDLE-8. It's obvious that they should just throw some sleigh bells over the top and release it as a Christmas song in December. The campaign for Christmas number one starts here....

Pass the sickbag, Marcel

Mika's new video is here.



I'd like it more if a) it had no lyrics, b) it wasn't basically a reheated (deep fried?) version of his last single and c) Mika himself didn't look like the bastard child of Jerry Seinfeld and Doctor Guy from Green Wing.

I guess his appeal lies in the fact he's a one man Playschool Scissor Sisters. For those who've not quite figured that Take Your Mama is about telling your mother that you're gay. Christ alive, the video even starts like Laura (if it were directed by Ken Loach). Because if you take away the wit, the subversiveness of the first album, the fact that Jake Shears is actually quite likeable, you're left with lift muzak. It's that point that Mika steps in and adds his (increasingly grating) vocals on the top.

There's nothing redeeming or positive about the song or video. It looks like a poundshop Feist promo, and the song itself is little more than a nursery rhyme for the WKD generation. Let's see how beautiful you feel when throwing up a kebab into the back of a taxi. It's a fucking hollow, insincere, hateful piece of shit, and the sooner Mika sinks from the charts forever, the better, frankly.

And if you honestly think that this is 'what British music needs', might is suggest you grow the fuck up and get onto something a little more adult. We'll start on High School Musical and work our way up from there.

Btw, Peter Robinson did an amazing piece on Mika being a twat, which i can't be arsed linking to, but which is worth 'checking out'.

He's going to the zoo, zoo, zoo

I don't know about you, but trips to the zoo for me meant a long journey down the M60, a few shitty, lazy animals, and coming home with a strong feeling of hatred towards wildlife and a piece of fudge shaped like an elephant. Clearly, R Kelly has something else in mind entirely.

His new song 'The Zoo' is essentially the follow up to 'Sex In The Kitchen'. The whole thing's one long extended metaphor for sex that's in turns disturbing and utterly fucking brilliant.

Highlights include
0.30- "It's like Jurassic Parc except i'm your Sex-a-saurus'
0.42- (Monkey noises) "Those are the sounds i want to hear" (not content with 14 year old girls, Kel is now shagging monkeys, 'pparantly.
1.58- "Like two cheetahs running free" (????!!??!)
2.07- "You're my safari" (Because i want to shoot you and use your teeth for piano keys)
2.15- "We're like coconut and banana trees"

Indeed.

The Museum Of Wrong, part one

Ella, ella, ella...eh?

The Rihanna album is actually Fucking Amazing. WTF?

I mean really, really amazing. It's the only album (thus far) this year where EVERY track is over an eight. It's sort of puzzling how someone like Rihanna who has had a 95:5 crap:gold ratio can release something so breathtakingly fantastico whilst Britney continues to mime along to decade old hits. Oh well, here's the 'rough guide' to 'Good Girl Gone Bad'.

Umbrella- This is number one (dislodging the equally mindblowingly brilliant Translyvania) and will be number one for Quite Some Time. She's 'doing the rounds' at the moment, and the version with added guitar is rather super.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: It's about love and shit, but the Umbrella is probably her fanny (hence the 'come into me' line)

Push Upon Me- This had great yelpy chorus and really obnoxious snares

Don't Stop The Music- OMG Eurohouse. It's like a non shit Cascada
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'Your aura is incredible'= i took a whole bunch of drugs and now you just look like colours

Breakin' Dishes: It's like Bossy with a whole bunch of synths thrown in for no good reason. Basically, everything pop should be. Like Umbrella, it has shitty middle-8 syndrome, but you forget about it as soon as it's over.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: The songs all about an angsty trip to Ikea which, as all Ikea trips do, ends up with somebody throwing 19p plates at the wall.

Shut Up And Drive: Too many people are concerned with sounding 'angry' and 'serious' (cough *Kelly Clarkson* cough) when they should be making things that are as brilliantly stupid as this.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'A whole lot of boom in the back'= explosive diarrohea

Hate That I Love You: It's the shittiest thing on the album and is better than Irreplaceable and by some distance the best thing Ne-Yo has ever put his voice on.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'I hate that i love you so'= You are good in bed, but a little less 'boom in the back' wouldn't go amiss, please.

Say It: Absolutley terrifying. There's a horrifying distorted backing track that makes it sounds like a nightmare sequence. This'll learn 'em.

Sell Me Candy: Mel C must be kicking herself after hearing this one.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: The whole song is about sucking on sweets. I hope she cleans her teeth before she goes to bed.

Lemme Get That: M.I.A. meets Boney-M at Timbaland's house
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'I got a house and i need new furniture'= boob job paid for by Jay-Z

Rehab: Straight up rip-off of 'What Goes Around...', which is still better than anything Rihanna did up to 2006.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'I should never have let you into my door'= Ahem.

Question Existing: It's starts off like R Kelly at his most lyrically terrible (ergo brilliant) and only improves from thereonin.

Good Girl Gone Bad: Final proof that, even for Jack Penate's sins, thee's a reason not to brn every guitar in the world.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'It's easy for a good girl to go bad'= My next album will be so shit it will make you want to take a holiday at Club 18-30: Auschwitz.