Dreams Of Number One Last Forever

It's been a while...

2008-08-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

Welcome back.

Saturdays and Strange Ways

2008-07-31T14:06:00.000-07:00

Somehow or other, The Saturdays have managed to overcome at least half a dozen reasons why they should have flopped and will be 'crashing' into the top 10 this weekend. Let's have a look at how this has been achieved, and why it shouldn't have, everything considered.

1) They are a manufactured girlband.
Bear in mind that there has not been a successful British 'traditional girl group' launch in half a decade. Also bear in mind that of the last three major UK girl groups to be launched, The Saturdays seem a bit too old fashioned and safe, compared to the Sugababes (sullen teenagers who looked like they'd rather be shoplifting Max Factor in Superdrug than having a pop career), The Spice Girls (council estate girls done good) or Girls Aloud (council estate girls done better). hair done perfectly, matching clothes, cute dance routines. I'm not saying Overload was a call to arms for a generation sick of identikit pop groups or owt, but there was some sense of rebellion there. For a better comparison, look at the video for Wannabe, then the video for If This Is Love. Wannabe sets it's stall out, and tells the viewer who their protagonists are, and why you should give a rat's ass. Admittedly, we're in more cynical times, and a video where five girls go around terrifying residents of a hotel would either be seen as a lazy attempt to connect to an easily manipulated audience or (if you're a Daily Mail reader) a terrifying snippet of violent youff culture, akin to Justice's Stress clip or something. Look at the If This Is Love video though. What to The Saturdays do? They get their hair and make-up done. They walk down a corridor like they're about to get kicked out of America's Next Top Model. They perform in a shop window for their adoring fans/unwashed masses. All you need is for Alexa cunting Chung to turn up, and the whole thing could just be a special section of Gok's Fashion Fix. Oh look, they got their whole outfits for under £50 each. Wannabe encouraged the viewer to take part, join a gang. Not a literal gang. I'm not making another Daily Mail reference this early in. If This Is Love tells them to keep on watching.

2. They supported Girls Aloud
OK, so we're on the same label as Girls Aloud. There's five of us, like Girls Aloud. How do we mark ourselves out from other existing girlbands? Supporting Girls Aloud, obviously.
Joking aside, the GA's track record for support-act success is not great. Poor Frank delivered a solid album with a few great songs that literally sold less than 1000 copies. Rogue Traders couldn't quite, ahem, trade in on having their biggest song used on the BBC's most successful drama. And Billiam have half a dozen fans who spend the week one of their singles comes out going around the country, buying it on their extended family's iTunes. The Saturdays used to the exposure as well as they could have had, getting people interested without street teaming them with all the subtlety of a North Korean firing squad. It's easier to get people to like if they don't think they're being forced into it.

3. The song is a 7/10, max.
Right, I appreciate that i'm saying this in a week that Kid Rock may get a number one single, but the track ain't all that. It's got a decent Yazoo sample, alright verses (not as bland as some would have you believe) and a fairly amazing chorus. But there's nothing remarkably interesting about it, and it doesn't quite have the pull that something like I Kissed A Girl does. I've accepted I Kissed A Girl now, btw. In the same way a terminal cancer patient accepts the last few weeks will be their last and just tries to get on with it. Anyway, back to The Saturdays. I'm fairly confident that if Girls Aloud released this, it would be one of their lowest selling singles. They wouldn't release it, the chorus sounds too needy. Maybe that's what The Saturdays' USP is. Needy electro-pop. Well, whatever. It's quite lovely to have a new pop band in the charts, and even lovelier that they aren't totally shit and incompetent. It's made me quite hopeful that Little Boots might just be rewarded the Queen of British Pop 2008 award that she so badly deserves. Just a little bit, anyway.

Oh, and by the way, if you wanted to know how The Saturdays managed to overcome every obstacle, here's the secret:

Simple as, right?

People ain't no good: Big Brother 2008

2008-06-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

You have to hand it to Big Brother for doing what very few British shows can do nowadays. It gets people massively obsessed. It goes beyond being water-cooler TV (a terrible term, but there's no UK equivalent, as whoever coined it clearly underestimated our demand for cold water) like the Apprentice. In it's ninth (NINTH!?! This means I was ten when it started. How terrible.) year, there's still people watching the nightly shows, the seven million spin-offs (coming soon- Big Brother's Big Crotch: what the housemate's genitals say about them), and the live feed. For thousands, hearing birdsong on a summer's day doesn't mean you're having a lovely day out, it means that some twat just said 'fuck' at 3pm, and E4 don't want their, frankly, insane viewers to be offended.

The most obvious sign of what a 'cultural phenomenon' BB is can be seen on Digital Spy. For those of you unfamiliar with the entertainment news site/FamousMales offshoot, for 3 months a year they go whacko for Big Brother. Every news story, no matter how trivial, is reported and given more space than, say, the death of Antony Minghella. Let's put that in perspective, in terms of how much coverage a story receives, the death of an award winning filmmaker, behind some of the most loved pictures of the last few decades, is deemed as important as Barry and Jen having a row about whether they want mushroom or tomato soup. And to top it off, there's the constant live news feed, with such highlights as '01:27: Dale is trying to make porridge with water and enlists Alexandra to help him. She says it's "rank"' or '23:17: Lisa and Mario are lying on the sofa talking about the birthday surprise earlier. Darnell is talking to Dennis about chicken and cooking.' There's so much coverage, so much pointless, useless, ultimately meaningless information to take in. It's become less a TV show and more of a grueling endurance test designed to find out how much irrelevant trivia one person can absorb before their brains start to dribble out of their nostrils.

To be fair to Endemol, this year's housemates at least seem like they're an interesting bunch. Among the least punchable are toy demonstrator Mohamed, whose key reason for wanting to enter the house was to show that not everyone called Mohamed is a suicide bomber. I'm sure that in week 6 when you get so hammered off White Strike that you end up plunging your face into Rebecca's bosom, you'll still be considered a great spokesperson for Muslims everywhere. And there's massage therapist Kathreya, whose dreams don't extend far beyond her next box of cookies, but doesn't seem to have a cynical bone in her body, which is nice when all the other contestants are talking about previous series and how they're planning to 'play the game'.

The ones who you'd gladly push through a blender than spend five minutes in their company include walking Gaydar profile Dennis, a cross between Perez Hilton and an accident in a Cuprinol factory, who seems to scream and bitch, but not much in between. He's the kind of person you almost wish was molested as a child, just so he'd have some kind of justification for his strange, vile behaviour. There's also Rebecca, who, upon entering the house saw her fight against millions of years of human evolution and revert to a series of excitable yelps and odd high pitched noises that made little sense, if any.

The rest are a mixed bunch- not outstandingly likeable, but not obviously smackable either. They're humans, basically. And whether, for the ninth year in a row, people being people is enough to keep viewers watching is still to be seen. Whether it's worth using up three months of nightly airtime on sixteen people in a house rather than airing US shows like The Wire, or home-grown productions like Boy A is up to Channel 4. But figures talk, and everyone's got bills to pay, right?

Lost in the plot

2008-06-02T17:01:00.000-07:00

If you've never seen this before, try it now. Stare at the four dots in the middle of the picture for about 30 seconds, then tilt your head back with your eyes closed.
See, like everything in life you're ever instructed to do, this seems like an enormous chore now. The 30 seconds of staring are now equal to some Herculean feat of endurance. Think about what you could be doing. You could have gone for a really, really quick wank. Started your epic novel. Watched at least four Youtube clips of people pissing on children's birthday cakes. By the time you can finally find out what it's really all about, you'll have probably tried to plug yourself into the mains through sheer desperation. That's some indication as to how most Lost viewers, myself included, felt halfway through the third series.

The problem with any US drama, especially one that's as serialised as Lost is, is that they just keep bloody going. Shows like House, Criminal Minds and the several hundred CSI series'* are gold for the networks because they're formulaic, so don't need brand new sets every episode, and each episode stands well on it's own, so can be repeated over and over until humans become so used to sitting and watching crime procedurals all day long that when people try to go out and buy milk, their brains are unable to handle there not being a murder, so shut down through pure disbelief. (*CSI: Aldershot is currently in the early stages of production for ITV. David Westhead will play the no nonsense boss with a dark past and 50 miles of rural farmland he isn't really sure what to do with)

Even The X Files and Buffy, other shows with reams of mythology and back-story, can be generally be dipped into due to their 'monster of the week' formula. 'FBI agents solve spooky mysteries', 'teenage girl fights demons'. Pick an episode from season three or four of Lost at random, and you'd have a hard time getting a newcomer to understand what's going on just by describing it as a show 'about people stuck on an island'. You'd have an easier time starting someone three-quarters of the way through Crime and Punishment and telling them it's about 'this guy being a bit of a bastard'. There's so much back-story to get through in Lost, because that's essentially what the first three seasons were. To the point that a lot of the casual viewers were tired of staring at the four tiny dots, so went to watch Criminal Minds instead. But in the third season finale, Lindelof and Cuse did what nobody expected- they closed our eyes and shoved our head back, and suddenly the big picture started to become clear.

Season four of Lost has been as daft as ever, but rarely less that magnificent. The pace has gone from meandering to racing- a filler plot two years ago would have been Hurley building a golf course. Now, it's Jack having his appendix removed, whilst Jim Robinson's army comes to murder anyone whose name isn't after the opening titles. The flashbacks, which often felt like filler for the first three years, suddenly became an essential part of the show- hinting at what was going to happen, raising more questions, and occasionally, finally bloody answering some. We learnt that time travel is possible as long as you're a rabbit or have an increasingly puzzling Irish accent. And that Jack's dad is dead, but still has a living physical form. Possibly. Well, he can pick up babies, which a large amount of dead folks can't. Which is why they make rotten childminders.

A special mention has to go to Michael Emerson, who has been the highlight of the show this year. I wasn't too sure about Ben at first, he felt too much like a sleazy secondary villain who we'd be stuck with until the real baddie came along. Emerson's turned him into a fantastically complex anti-hero, who'll sweetly share a chocolate bar with Hurley, then condemn half the cast to being blown to buggery so he could avenge his daughter. One of the main questions that this season's brought up is whether Ben is a villain after all. After seeing what Jim Robinson can do, he could well be the lesser of two evils.

Mainly, season four will be remembered as the season that Lost changed it's game. It's no longer setting up and drip feeding answers that lead to more questions, there's genuine resolution going on. An ending was set up- 6 of them get off the island- and the rest of the season dealt with how, what happened and what the consequences were. Now that season five's aim has been made clear- they all need to go back to the island (and not in the same way the Vengaboys did), all that we have to do is wait. Six months. Oh shit. Of all the answers that Lost gave us in season four, the best thing is that they were never the easy ones. Which means that in two years time, when it's all over, the last episode won't end with a 'ZOMG THEY'RE REALLY ALL DEAD' moment. It'd be a crass, insulting way to finsh a series which respects the intelligence, loyalty and, let's face it, endurance of the viewer. It would make about as much sense as having some old soap actor be your big bad. Oh...

For the record, I don't think that Alan Dale is just some old soap actor. He's also one of the few people who can say 'John Barrowman shot in my face' and not have it be a terrible, scarring experience.

Sell-out special #1

2008-05-22T16:04:00.001-07:00

In lieu of any actual content today, here's some MP3s of lovely songs. If you like them, buy the albums, yeah?

Zeitgeist- Tar Heart
Not loving the album yet. Imagine The Knife, but poppier and less rigid, and that'll go some way to describing this. Sounds a lot like Running Up That Hill. If that's a bad thing, i'm not sure I want to be alive anymore.
Album- 6/10

Alphabeat- What Is Happening?
From their predictably amazing debut (original Danish version, so whether it's been reswizzled for the UK release, i do not know), it's like The Arcade Fire writing a grand finale for an amateur musical.
Album- 8/10

Santogold- You'll Find A Way
Quite why nothing on the album is as good as Ay Ay Ay is something of a mystery. But yes, this is quite nice in a Blondie-meets-The Police sort of way. The middle-8 is fucking terrible though.
Album- 6/10

Three is a lovely number so i'll leave it there.

Chart Prediction Fun- Week Four: The Drums. The Drums. The Drums. The bloody Drums.

2008-05-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

Only four songs this week, which is odd. Next week is hella busy, and we FINALLY get that Ashlee Simpson song. Seven words I never expected to write right there.

The Pigeon Detectives- This Is An Emergency
I wrote a rambling drunken comment on the Twisted Ear forums the other week about how Jay-Z at Glastonbury won't work, not because he's black or a rapper, but because "indie kids like big, stupid choruses as much as Hannah Montana fans". I'd like to think that This Is An Emergency isn't just more slightly catchy, but ultimately forgettable 'Now That's What I Call 2008 Indie' B-side fodder, but The Pigeon Detectives getting it. Realising that nobody cares how competent they are at playing guitar, or how curly their hair is- it's all smoke and mirrors for people who need something to sing along to, to shout and pretend it applies directly to their life, but don't want to hear it from a 'fake' band or someone with a vagina. So, another unremarkable middling guitar band from a city full of unremarkable middling guitar bands write a song that's actually a parody of the kind of track that gives these groups number one albums, but all the time knowing that the height of their career (pre-debut buzz) is over. Or maybe it's just that they don't know how to write anything else, and big stupid choruses are easier than, say, clever melodies or whatever. I've been listening to a lot of Buckingham-era Mac recently, and wondered why no modern rock band has made their Tusk. I guess it's because no modern band has made their Rumours. Or maybe i'm just being a bit Sandi Thom about the whole thing. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Chart prediction: Top 20

Hot Chip- One Pure Thought
Oh Hot Chip, why can't i love you? Why does the 'monkey with a miniature cymbal' line from Over and Over just make me go all cringey? And why can't i listen to anything by you and not think you're little more than a Happy Shopper LCD Soundsystem? Having already discussed the merits of Lindsey Buckingham, i'm veering dangerously towards 'male music fan' syndrome here, but do they have to sound so fucking reserved all the time? Have you ever noticed there's no climax, no resolution in any of their tracks? They always just go along, not sure what to do with themselves and only ending when someone remembers to press the fade out button. As is life, etc etc. Ho hum.
Chart prediction: 40-35

David Jordan- Move On
Interesting fact for fans of youtube tagging MAYHEM, this is tagged as 'Rihanna'. Y'know, if he tagged it a 'barely' and 'legal', he would probably get more views. Anyway, poor David Jordan. Ladyboy cheekbones, hair like Wanda Sykes, and that one dance move where he punches the camera but LOL NOT REALLY. The video looks like an advert for a mobile phone that plays music. I've not much more to say on this really.
Chart prediction: 75-60

The Ting Tings- That's Not My Name
Shouldn't like it. Should not like it. Again, it's the whole ethos of something deliberately stupid being rendered respectable and brilliant because it's done by people who play their own instruments. Like the Pigeon Detectives, but worse, much worse because this is almost out and out plagiarism. Seeing as Mickey features the second best use of a cheerleader chant in pop history, there's far worse places to nick from. And you get the feeling that unlike The Pigeon Detectives, The Ting Tings have never tried to cover Bob Dylan. Digital Spy said this could be number one. It doesn't sound like a number one record. But neither did Duffy. Or Estelle. Or Scooter. Get ready for Joanna Newsom's record breaking 11 week number one streak in 2009.
Chart prediction: Number 2.

Singles wotsit- Week Three: There Is Not One

2008-05-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

Due to the fact that I am dealing with 70 wedding guests tomorrow night until 2AM, and 6000 screaming children and their overbearing parents on Sunday*, I can't predict where the singles will end up this week. Madonna ftw is your best bet though.

*This makes my life sound a lot more interesting than it actually is. Normally, it's just old people who complain their tea isn't hot enough.

Chart Prediction Fun- Week Two: The Week Of Horns

2008-04-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

Adele- Cold Shoulder
Stringier than most of Ronson's productions, presumably because Madonna was borrowing all the trumpets this week. I've still got an awful lot of residual affection from Hometown Glory, so maybe I'm a bit biased when I say it's by no means the least crappy single of the week. But if Adele wants to maintain the whole 'nu-soul diva' hype, she's going to need something a little more showstopping than this. The video is a bit meh too. Ice statues, Adele shot a flattering, well lit angles. It would be wise to attempt a Rihanna-style work rate until she becomes relevent again.
Chart prediction: 15-20

The Wombats- Backfire at the Disco
A bit of light indie misogyny for a Sunday afternoon. Look kids, they're like you! They go to 'discos'! (read: indie shitholes with unisex toilets and barmen with £65 haircuts) They try to have sex with people! They have crazy, kooky band names! What a load of cunts. Hopefully, Los Campesinos' "four sweaty boys with guitars say nothing about my life' comment will go down as the defining statement of this decade's music scene. The video is a total shitshow too. Oh, they can play guitar. Colour me fucking impressed.
Chart prediction: 20-30

The Feeling- Without You
Crikey, this is a bit 'Magic FM', even by The Feeling's standards. And how long has Dan-thingy-wotsit had that strange country-esque accent? As songs about American tragedies go, it owns Alan Jackson's 9/11 schmaltzfest, at least. The bit that rhymes 'gunman' with 'London' actually had me reaching for the sick bucket. And does he not know that most mobile phones can tell you what time it is anywhere in the world? Seeing as it's about three months to late to cash in on the tragedy, and it is generally quite a shit song, this is an odd choice for single, don'tcha think?
Chart prediction: 15-20

The Hoosiers- Cops and Robbers
Why does everything that The Hoosiers release sound like the set up for a dramatic scene in some amateurishly written musical? Maybe it's because all their songs sound the same anyway, I dunno. In the current piano-MOR scene, The Hoosiers are Steps to The Feeling's Spice Girls, right? Obviously a bit shit, but they know that, and don't really mind, and it's all just a bit of fun, etc etc. Scouting For Girls are Scooch, obviously. So, yes, it's rubbish, but The Hoosiers are easily one of the least hateable bands around these days (even though the singer looks like a children's entertainer), and if that can be considered an endorsement, then do.
Chart prediction: 10-15

Madonna- 4 Minutes
I'm still not sure how I feel about this at all. It sounds HUGE. But it spends so much time sounding HUGE that it forgets to go anywhere, really. And like a lot of Timbaland productions, it's all chorus, and not much tune. But SexyBack made Metal Machine Music sound positively melodic, so it's hard to complain about that. I just wish Madonna would a) stop writing all her own lyrics, and b) realise that she doesn't need to follow trends, and concentrate on making a record as amazing as Ray Of Light. It's looking increasingly likely that she never will.
Chart prediction: Number 1

My eyes, my eyes

2008-04-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

Congratulations, Closer, you've put the entire population of Britain off food and women forever. The country will be full of anorexic bummers. So, it'll be G-A-Y, but bigger, really.

Chart Prediction Fun- Week One: The Week That Kind of Rhymed

2008-04-18T03:06:00.000-07:00

Right folks, seeing as how actually reviewing singles seems so...formal, I thought it'd be more fun to just write a bit about them and then predict where they'll end up in the charts. The charts, as in the Top 40. Not the download charts, or airplay charts or whatever else is more 'important' these days, yeah? Okay.

Jack Johnson- Hope
Presumably shortened from the original title 'Hope (to God it Ends Soon Or I'm Reaching For The Cyanide)'. It's wallpaper, innit? Dinner party music for people who think Norah Jones is a bit too sonically dynamic. That's not a diss at Norah Jones, by the way, she's ace. There's absolutely no effort put in here, i mean all of his tracks sound like the last thing Johnson and 'the band' recorded at the end of the day a self satisfied pat on the back, drinks all round, but this is exceptionally lazy, even by his standards. You can imagine it being described as 'just something we came up with when we were jamming'. Urgh
Chart prediction- 30-40

Akon- I Can't Wait
Okay, hands up who knew T-Pain could play piano? This is a weird one, it sounds like a minute long intro to another track, but stretched out over a full song. Given the right context (The Sweet Escape, essentially), Akon's voice isn't entirely unpleasant. And T-Pain does all he can to help along with Autotune, but there's still something unnerving about a dude who had a song about people put their arses on the floor or whatever, trying to be all romantic. It's all a bit...rapey.
Chart prediction- 20-30

September- Cry For You
One of those big gay dance songs that Radio 1 playlists roughly 6 months after it becomes popular. There's a shiny penny for whoever can tell me what other dance song that main hook is taken from, 'cos it's really bloody bugging me. It's de rigeur to compare every popular/dancey Scandinavian popstress to Robyn (because, let's be honest, there's not that many other reference points in the British charts, really), but this is probably too big 'n' stupid to give her the longer term success that the Robyn album has had. Infernal learnt this the hard way, and they had at least four amazing tracks on theirs.
Chart prediction- top 5

Keyshia Cole- Let It Go
The video for this is amazing. Keyshia gets pwned by Missy Elliott at the start in a way no one has since Lil' Mama got told how to wear lip gloss by, erm, Big Mama(?). The song is sweet in a very nondescript way, and talks about 'loving the right way', which is presumably about bumming. Which is nice, because we've not had a good bumming song in the charts since Rachel Stevens let indie boys in her back door. The bit where Missy pronounces 'damn' with roughly eighteen 'y's is good too. That's about it really.
Chart prediction- 30-20

Goldfrapp- Happiness
Maybe it's because A&E seems to last all of 30 seconds, and then you have to put it on repeat for the next two hours, but this goes on for quite some time, doesn't it? Personally, i'd have gone with Caravan Girl or Little Bird as the next single from Seventh Tree, but I don't work at Mute, so there you go (to be honest, this is probably a good thing, since Mute are part of EMI, and i would probably be unemployed at this point). Hands down the best use of 'bom-ba-bom's in a song this year. Is there much higher praise than that?
Chart prediction- 10-15

The Last Shadow Puppets- The Age of the Understatement
'Galloping' would probably be the best word to describe this. More grandiose, but at the same time more subtle than any of the Arctic Monkey's output, it's probably not aimed for the bored teen NME set, but that's not really a problem. I hope Alex Turner's happy that he's doomed us to Reverend and the Maker's inevitable side-project with the singer from Milburn, featuring whoever does strings for Razorlight.
Chart prediction- top 10

Britney Spears- Break The Ice
It's depressing that Britney's best record (and the second best pop album of 2007) is doomed to be 'that one with the crap cover she did when she went mental'. Like everything on Blackout, Break The Ice is fucking brilliant- catchy, well produced, autotuned to within an inch of it's life and with enough batshit moments (the cat shriek sounds?) to keep it interesting. The video looks like someone with too much Hello Kitty! merchandise made it for Youtube, but we can let that one slide, given the circumstances, i think. The girl done good, again.
Chart prediction- 20-25

Mrs. Oh My God those Brits are heinous- The Brits 2008

2008-02-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

2007 was a hell of a year for music, wasn’t it? M.I.A., LCD Soundsystem, Robyn, Patrick Wolf, Britney, Jens Lekman, Miranda Lambert, etc, etc. Well, forget all that old shit, because it’s time for The Brits 2008. If you think this is exciting, it’s going to be nothing compared to The Hoosiers sweeping the board next year. Anyway, here goes…

7.55- Matt Willis’ girlfriend said that the Brits were going live now, but Corrie is still on. If the writers think Anthony Cotton’s getting any sympathy whatsoever, they must be fucking joking.

8.00- For the second year in a row, it’s live! There’s skulls and stuff. Clearly they’ve stolen tonight’s theme from the artwork off Avril Lavigne’s last album. Mika’s the first act on. Fair dos, he’s not had an entirely unsuccessful year, but he really is fucking shit, isn’t he? There’s a good reason jingle writers rarely beak into the pop scene. Love Today should be soundtracking images of Findus Crispy Pancakes, not opening the biggest UK pop ceremony of the year.

8.01- Beth Ditto is in the building. You can tell because everyone’s drinks are trembling like in Jurassic Park. Standing In The Way of Control loses its lustre once you take the fit, naked teens away. They’re going to do bloody Big Girl, aren’t they?

8.03- Oh, he’s doing Grace Kelly. Slightly better, but not much. When all of your songs sound the same, a megamix is generally quite easy to do. He ends it on a big guitar breakdown, cos he’s rock and fucking roll. We get the popstars we deserve.

8.05- The Osbournes are presenting. The Brits are usually at least three years behind major trends, but, really? Wasn’t Anne Robinson available? I hear that Weakest link show is quite the hit nowadays.

8.07- Chris Moyles, who should really be writing for Nuts, not controlling the nation’s music tastes is giving out the first award, Best Live Act. Take That should walk this, just for Ricky Wilson’s reaction if they do. They do, but there’s no ‘real live band’ reaction shock, which is a shame. Anyone who thinks they don’t deserve this, bear in mind they spend 40 nights a year dealing with thousands of 30-something women who've had one too many Lambruscos, and would love to take home a piece of the group's clothing. There's prisoners of war that have dealt with less.

8.12- Rihanna and the Klaxons are on. This will either be really good, or absolutely shit. I’m slightly worried about Rihanna, she seems to be dressed up as Remi Nicole. The mix of Golden Skans and Umbrella isn’t going to give Richard X any sleepless nights, but it’s still going to end up as the night’s best performance. Probably.

8.16- Hooray! Fearne Cotton’s back! She’s got one of those reflector jackets on, so a truck won’t mow her down on the way home. Shame, that. There’s still time to vote in the British Single category. It’s going to be Leona either way, but whatevs. Fearne is actually on the verge of fellating Take That’s award.

8.22- Adele’s won the Critic’s Choice award, something brand new and meaningless for 2008. Isn’t it good that we’ve got some great, non-reality acts in the charts? Funny how they’re all coming out of the Brits School, isn’t it? Duffy’s way better, anyway, even with her old lady vocal stylings. The Brits obviously just hate the Welsh. When was the last time you saw Goldie Lookin’ Chain at the Brits? Exactly.

8.26- British Breakthrough Act time. What’s the betting Adele will win this next year? God, Sharon Osbourne should never try to be sexy, ever. Mika’s won, and celebrates with some weird tribal call. Come on Mika, tell us whether you’re straight or gay. We’re simply dying to know.

8.30- Apparantly Kylie’s only been making pop since the 90’s. This seems odd, Kelly Osbourne should be well informed about 80’s music. It’s where she nicked most of her songs for, anyway. Kylie’s doing Wow, a track which sounds like Kylie doing an impression of Kylie. Although she probably asked for the dancers to be Daft Punk-y, they ended up looking like gayed up Securicor guards.

8.33- Mika plans to take a holiday for a few weeks. Darfur is nice this time of year.

8.39: QUESTION! It’s Kelly fucking Rowland! Best international male is up next. Kanye West should get this one, if we’re running by X-Factor rules. HIS. MUM. IS. DEAD, you see. He does win, and he’s talking. And not saying much at all, really.

8.42: Oh, Beth Ditto, fuck the fuck off. She’s wearing the Evans version of the dress Leona had in the Bleeding Love video. Oh, there’s actually an award here. If Mika wins this one, with Beth Ditto on the stage, I’m actually going to be reaching for the sick bucket. Mark Ronson’s won. He’s starstruck by Beth Ditto. His standards are obviously lower than his quality control over what he releases.

8.46: Apparently, the Kaiser Chiefs actually believe that Ruby is the best single of the year. It’s not even the best song of last year on Guitar Hero 3. Earlier, their set was described as the weirdest ever. It looks like it’s from that episode of Arrested Development with the Japanese investors.

8.50: There’s still still time to vote in the Best British Single category. The Hoosiers are nominated. Who’d have thought that in 2007, the future of pop would sound something like an ELO tribute band?

8.55: OMG, Pushing Daises advert. Watch it, watch it, WATCH IT.

8.56: Sharon Osbourne is now doing her tribute to Morticia Addams. Best International Female time. I think I’m actually in love with Feist, but that’s another story. Kylie has won, despite the fact that X is patchy as owt. There’s a huge elephant in the room, but no one’s going to address it because it’s impossible to bitch about Kylie without sounding like a total cunt.

9.00- Right, it’s Leona’s turn to perform. She’s still bleeding, still, still bleeding love.

9.04- The Best International Group is next, and Foo Fighters will win it because they always do. As a side note, the Kings Of Leon’s Glasto performance will be interesting this year. Are they going to do a Bassey, and run out of songs halfway through, so just do The Bucket twice?

9.07- In this day and age, is there anyone who still cares about James Nesbitt? Best British Female now. It’s obviously going to be Bats For Lashes or PJ Harvey, isn’t it? Shit the bed, Kate Nash won. On the positive side, she looks lovely and indie. On the negative, perhaps she should learn to write pop songs rather than a couple of catchy bits coupled with lyrics about ‘real life and shit’. Also, the second Brits School graduate who won an award tonight. I’m calling shenanigans.

9.11- Best International Album will be the Foo Fighters too. It fucking is. Dave Grohl is ripping on Shakespeare’s Sister. He can fuck right off, Stay is ace, and so is You’re History, to a lesser extent.

9.13- Adele and Mark Ronson do a Coldplay cover. It’s about as gripping as KY jelly. And anyone who wanted to know what the bloke who sings on his Smiths cover looked like is in luck. Anyone else, meh. Ronson’s talented, but that he gets a hugely hyped up performance whilst Brian Higgins doesn’t even get so much as a Xenomaniamania ITV2 special is a little bit shit, really.

9.16- Amy Winehouse is on stage, which would feel like a big pop moment, if she hadn’t have done just fine at the Grammys about a week ago. It was more fun last year when she was just a loveable alcoholic, wasn’t it? Her beehive was better then, too.

9.23- Best Group, and Girls Aloud are nominated, but won’t win. Yep, Girls Aloud didn’t win, but the Arctic Monkeys did, so it could have gone much, much worse. The Tangled Up for the Mercury Prize 2008 campaign starts here.

9.28- Winehouse is back on, doing the same song she did at the Mercury ceremony last year. She gives a shout out to Blake, which the audience fucking loves. ITV are endorsing criminal activity! Call Ofcom!

9.31- Alan Carr is here to present the Best British Single, which should shut Fearne up until next year. Take That won, which tells you something about the power of having a huge female fanbase who each have 500 free texts a month to waste. Mark Owen is dressed as that mental doctor who cuts up dead bodies on Channel 4.

9.35- Vic Reeves seems to be pulling a Joss Stone (not literally, but let's be honest, it wouldn't take much, would it?). What is it about the Brit awards that turns people into total wankers? The Arctic Monkeys win again. Are the next few years going to be nothing but Take That and the Arctic Monkeys? The Arctic Monkeys are rather tipsy, and are causing ‘anarchy’. Get on the NME website tomorrow to see the words ‘total fucking legends’ to be written roughly 3000 times.

9.43- Sir Paul McCartney, who is famous for the video he did that had Gareth from The Office in it has won the Brit for being successful for a very long time and being available to appear at the ceremony this year. Paul thinks British music is the best. Presumably he’s not witnessed the previous 100 minutes. Anyway, the last performance of the night is always the longest, which can be a good thing (Prince) or a bad thing (basically everyone else who has ever done it).

Paul has a mandolin. He plays it all night long. Whether it makes him want to kill his self is yet to be confirmed. If Scouting For Girls had written Dance Tonight, they’d be ripped to shreds, and rightly so. Ironically, the prize which should be the most celebratory (rewarding an artist for their oeuvre, rather than just a single or an album) is actually the most cynical. McCartney was offered the award over a decade ago, but refused. If he hadn’t got an album out, would he have really appeared? Shouldn’t it be about ‘the music’, anyway, not about who can appear? And in that case, are Duran Duran more deserving of a lifetime achievement award than a man without whom half of the bands nominated this year wouldn’t even exist? If the Brits really want to take a risk, they don’t need to hire ‘edgy’ presenters, or have drunken acceptance speeches, they should just not broadcast the ceremony. Let’s see if Universal and EMI are so interested in their acts performing when there’s less chance it’ll boost post-Christmas sales.

But, in the words of Kyle Broflovski, I’ve learnt something today. Kate Nash gives as boring an acceptance speech as Leona Lewis would have done (and at least hers wouldn’t have been half as preachy). Whilst she’s not the most interesting or genuine character, Leona Lewis is a better pop star than any of the Kaiser Chiefs will ever be. Yes, mostly, I’ve learnt things about Leona Lewis. Christ knows she’ll be one of the few nominees who’ll actually have a career in ten years time.

The Singles Review, 21/01/2008

2008-01-21T15:51:00.000-08:00

Jack Johnson- If I Had Eyes
Is he trying to outdo Melua in terms of absurd metaphors here? Her sailboat comparisons seem positively Wilde-esque compared to "if i had eyes in the back of my head, i would have told you that you looked good as you walked away". Johnson's got about eight flavours, all of them bland. Oh look, he's actually talking about breaking up with someone. This will totally reverse my opinion of him and his shitty musical stylings. Fucking spare me.
2/10

Jennifer Lopez- Hold It Don't Drop It
So by the numbers it might as well be an algebra textbook. Lopez's whole 'career renaissance' thing isn't going as well as planned really, is it? Perhaps somewhere between putting out the gayest album cover of all time and releasing her second single in a row that sounds like a watered-down Amerie album track, the public realised that, half a decade after Jenny From The Block, there's probably no need for a new J.Lo single. I'm sure she'll make back all the money she lost from the album by making diamante-covered baby grows or something.
4/10

Bodies Without Organs- Sunshine In The Rain
The original is a camp as tits sorta-ballad with perfect perfect handclaps, the Soul Seekerz remix is an equally camp as tits dance version. Short of a major pop revival and Amy Diamond topping the BBC's Sound of 2009 poll, it's hard to see a place for either in the British charts, which is a shame because BWO are a great pop band, and as such it's kind of upsetting that Alexander Bard's songs won't be greeted with anything more than a "LOL, Eurovision entry" reception from UK audiences.
6/10

Joss Stone- Baby Baby Baby
Oh, fuck off. Fuck off and die. It's pissing it down outside, there's floods all over Leeds and no amount off lite-soul and you singing about being on the beach and dancing or whatever will make it feel like summer. Some people can't take the hint.
3/10

Adele- Chasing Pavements
I'm not subscribing to the backlash, Adele's voice is a thing of absolute beauty, it's just a shame that her first major release is the one most makes her seem geared towards Radio 2. Even at her weakest though, there's still something real that doesn't come from Duffy or Foals or most acts of any genre. Anyway, i'll just be listening to Hometown Glory and ignoring the bitching from the Popjustice forums until this whole thing blows over and she becomes the biggest thing since Winehouse. Hopefully.
7/10

Robyn- Be Mine!
If you think this is getting less than full marks, you're reading the wrong blog. It's Robyn's big number, the dream audition showreel- she's heartbroken, defiant, ballsy, and even though it sounds like she's on top of things, by the time we get to the middle-8, it's revealed how fragile these things really are. It was perfect this time three years ago, it's only improved since then. I'm disqualifying it from the end of year singles top 40, because it absolutely fucking trounces almost every other song this decade. And does it with amazing string bits too.

Alison Goldfrapp and her amazing tent

2008-01-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

Usually, this is where we'd embed Goldfrapp's video for A&E, but since the Youtube lifespan of the clip is generally about two hours before Mute yank it off the site, we won't bother. You've probably seen it anyway- Alison dances with some leaf people, there's an owl, etc, etc.

Anyway, we could talk about how the video is wonderful, looks lovely, and also pretty much encapsulates the feel of their new album (not that i've heard it. Ahem). Or how A&E is possibly their best single ever. But we won't. No, this space is reserved for Goldfrapp's lovely tent. Let's have a look...

Some people will say "but wouldn't it be nicer if the tent was covered in glitter? of if Alison and Will Gemagic'd it a bit? How about a few strobe lights? It's a bit bare, isn't it?". Perhaps they don't realise that Goldfrapp didn't want a big gay glitter tent, they wanted a nice orange one they could sit in the woods with. Yes, it's quite different from what they're used to, but the saying doesn't go "variety is the spice of life" for no reason now, does it? If anything, Goldfrapp's lovely tent has made us love the band even more, and look forward to whatever mode of shelter they choose next. The song's not too bad either, eh?

Some nice words for you to read

2008-01-03T06:43:00.000-08:00

They call it manufactured pop, as if that were something to be ashamed of - but we are a manufacturing country. Down our conveyor belts come cars, and shoes, and biscuits, and guns, and pop bands. Useful things and beautiful things. Things that make us go faster, and things that make us feel like we are going faster. Things that we love passionately for a day, and then throw away, and things that we love passionately for a day, and then keep forever.

Being able to plan for and make our necessary things - instead of relying on accidents, or nature, to supply them - is one of the first signs that a society has achieved civilization. And what could be more necessary than pop? What else should we aim to pump out in such greedy, thrilling, giddying amounts?

The factory is a democratic place. Sometimes, the people working on the floor come cruising in on a Monday morning, still wearing Saturday night’s make-up and Sunday morning’s smile, and say, “Sod this.” They pull off their hair-nets, and jump on the conveyor belt themselves. They announce that they are pop stars, now. They make a band.

That’s allowed, in the factory, because we are a manufacturing country, and that means we are also allowed to manufacture ourselves. We are allowed to change our futures. We are Girls Aloud.

And in the band we manufacture, we don’t have to smile, if we don’t want to. We won’t have dance routines that ruin our hair. We don’t sing songs where we pretend that we’re scared, or that we can’t run in our heels, or that we don’t know exactly what we want. We don’t need no beauty sleep. We think you’re off your head. We text as we eat. We flirt while we work. We flick our finger at the world below. If we’d know, or if we’d cared, we would have stood around in the kitchen in our underwear.

When Jack Kerouac wrote On The Road in 1957, he said the people he loved the most were the Fabulous Yellow Roman Candles, who were mad to live, mad to talk, . We saw it on a t-shirt once. But anyone who was mad to live wouldn’t want to be a Roman Candle. Roman Candles are the rubbish ones. They’re over in thirty seconds. They don’t even spin, or fly. If we were a firework, we’d be a limousine full of dynamite. And we’d put the fire out with vodka. If we could be bothered.

If you know someone who sounds like us, we’ll give you a tenner. If you like someone better than us, frankly, we don’t care. We’re Girls Aloud. We’re Made In Britain.

Lovely

The first great single of 2008

2008-01-02T15:05:00.001-08:00

They're really going for the whole 'new Mika' schtick, aren't they? It's working though, since Alphabeat are actually listenable. It's too early to say whether it'll be a hit- they're probably too Pop! (concept, not the shitty band) for Radio 1 and too dayglo for Radio 2. It all depends on how the BBC Sound of 2008 thing goes.

Watch this space...

Ten things about the new Magnetic Fields album

2007-12-29T10:06:00.000-08:00

1. It is called Distortion.

2. The cover goes something like this:

3. It is fucking brilliant. Easily Stephin Merritt's best album in about decade (since 69 Love Songs, basically). Not that Stephin Merritt has made many albums in the last decade, but y'know.
4. The production is fuzzy to say the least. Think Yeah! Oh Yeah! or The Flowers She Sent and the Flowers She Said She Sent but standing even closer to the amp.
5. Merritt is indisputably one the greatest living songwriters. I know it, you know it, Tracey Thorn knows it. Which is why, even when some songs sound like they're becoming unlistenable messes, they're still totally amazing pop tracks underneath the umpteen layers of distortion Merritt lays on here.
6. Shirley Simms gets lots to do here. There's a song called California Girls, which feels like the sequel to Yeah! Oh Yeah! The chorus goes "I hate California girls", and eventually Simms starts planning to murder them. It all gets wonderfully dark and fucked up.
7. The album seems a bit too long at 14 tracks, but then you realise that the guy released a record with nearly 70 songs on so, really, you should stop being such a fucking whinger.
8. It sounds like a record the band could have made in the mid-90's. Since no record they released in the mid-90's was worth less than four stars, this cannot be a bad thing.
9. Merritt has made the most depressing Christmas song ever. Track five, Mr. Mistletoe. The campaign for a MF Christmas number one starts here.
10. The best tracks are: Three Way, California Girls, Mr. Mistletoe, Please Stop Dancing, Too Drunk To Dream and The Nun's Litany.

Overall, 4.5 stars. Well done Magnetic Fields.

Distortion is released on the 14th January

I got soul but i'm not a Soulja

2007-12-29T08:33:00.000-08:00

This weekend, Crank That by Soulja Boy will be going into the top 3. Nothing wrong with that, right? It's sort of admirable, really. The guy's 17, produces his own stuff and thanks to a combination of shameless self promotion and Youtube luckiness, he's had one of the biggest hits of the year in the US. What's more extraordinary is that Crank That sounds nothing like anything else in the charts. And it's an absolutely fucking terrifying pop song. We're talking Marble House/Waking The Witch levels of fear here.

Take a look at the video:

On the surface, it's basically your typical hip-hop crossover promo, albeit on a tiny looking budget (and the label signed him purely on the merits of some kids dancing? It's no wonder the record industry's fucked). Until it gets to the part where the elderly woman with buck teeth comes in. Oh God, oh Jesus Christ. It's like an Aphex Twin video, innit? It's the Cha-Cha Slide directed by Chris Cunningham. The Macarena meets Windowlicker. You get the idea, i'm sure.

And that's without even getting to the song itself. The most barren sounding US urban single since Me & U, nothing happens, basically. Using just a steel drum, cleverly placed hi-hats and finger clicks, and hits that put the fear of god into to me, he manages to make it last close to four minutes. Four minutes. If The Knife had put out something like this, probably without using the phrase "Superman that ho" though, the reception would probably be 'it's a bit avante garde, isn't it?'. That it got to the top of the charts in America is testament to the power of tip-exed sunglasses and a dance the kids can copy.

Even though it's abso-fucking-lutley terrifying, and the video has old lady badteeth, it's managed to do what few pop songs can- connect with a young audience in a massive way- to the extent that they'll go on Youtube and learn the dance. You think shit like Scouting For Girls inspires that kind of devotion? I'd take it over that self-satisfied, Britney-cribbing D.A.N.C.E crap. Mainly cos Soulja Boy has better t-shirts, no?

But i don't look baaacccckkkk....

2007-12-24T16:56:00.000-08:00

Right, that's your lot for 2007, unless something amazing/terrible happens. So i'll end with what is obviously the best pop image of the year...

Thank you, and goodnight.

The Top 40 Singles of 2007

2007-12-19T14:49:00.000-08:00

Last year, this was a piece of piss. From May, it was absolutely clear that Maneater was the single of the year. It's not that 2007's been so great for singles that it's been impossible to choose, or so bad that none really stuck out, it's just, for me at least, there's not been one single that cried out '2007'. I'll explain my choice for number one later in the article, but it's a deserving champ for various reasons, and a fucking great song to boot. Now, on with the list...

It’s not customary to begin a ‘top 40’ by sort of bitching on something, but I’m pretty sure I still don’t know whether I like this song. I know it’s catchy, well produced and has a cheerleader chant that ain’t topping the Bay City Rollers’ Saturday Night, but is still pretty infectious. It’s hard to properly love a song about a home wrecker. The handclaps help though.

All hail the return of handbag house. Designed to be accompanied by footage of people dancing shirtless at the BCM, I absolutley admire Booty Luv for taking a really fucking cynical prospect (nicking the best bits of the last six Clubland compilations and repackaging them for Radio One) and making it seem like the most fun in the world. Epic disco strings over wholesale dance beats, with lyrics that were probably made up on the day of recording, and anyone who says a big whooshy noise from the end of the middle-8 going into the chorus isn’t the best thing that can happen in a dance song is a bloody fool.

This wasn’t a massive favourite at first- it seemed a bit too messy, obvious- M.I.A. playing a version of M.I.A. aimed at the indie kids. And it’s still the second weakest track on Kala (seeing as it’s the best album of the year, that says very little). Structurally it’s still a total wreck and that sample is way annoying, overall it’s kind of like being in an aeroplane. You have no idea how it’s staying afloat, and don’t particularly care to work out the details. The only song this year you could describe as ‘dayglo’ that wasn’t made by total cunts.

Less of a post-WEH slump, more of a ‘WTF’ choice for a follow-up single. Seriously, the album’s got Be Mine!, Who’s That Girl and Crash and Burn Girl, and Robyn chooses the ‘nazi-pimp’ song? Okaaay. Anyway, whereas With Every Heartbeat had our heroine quietly being heartbroken, this has her quietly whaling on a total douchebag. Konichiwa Bitches for your Radio 2 listener, if you will. The arrangement here’s gorgeous- subtle strings and guitars over a hard as nails beat, it’s what a ‘ballad after the hit song’ should sound like.

Like Brian Higgins, Animal Collective have the ability to take seemingly unsuitable elements and turn them into amazing pop songs. Unlike Brian Higgins, they didn’t write Call The Shots, and as such, they’re not in the top 20 singles of the year. Not quite the masterclass in insanely addictive/random noise pop that Grass was, it’s still pretty impressive, and they’ve got the best yelps of all the bands in the blogosphere.

Fact: Cathy Dennis on autopilot > 98% of pop songwriters on their A-game. That would be the only explanation as to why what is, to all intents and purposes, Since U Been Gone, Take 653 somehow becomes a great pop song. It’s not the ‘Babes themselves- Amelle does her growly thing, Keisha wails over the last few choruses, Heidi fights the urge to jump ship, they’re all fairly competent but a bit meh, and sound undeserving of the kudos their name carries. To cut a long story short, if Paris Hilton did this, it wouldn’t have been in the UK top 10, never mind number 1, but would still be somewhere in the mid-30s on here. That line about not letting or last kiss be our last is good too, innit?

Charlotte looks a LOT like Karen O in the video for this. Still working out whether that can be classed as a good thing. This is lovely though. There’s distorted guitars, random piano bits and almost catchy melodies and it really doesn’t go anywhere but sounds absolutley gorgeous doing so. Bonus points for the middle-8 breakdown.

Gee, the Arcade Fire are actually sort of the Biggest Band in the World now, right? At least the biggest one whose members don’t have an average age of over 50. They sound like it here. As usual, they’re a lyric about young love and a bottle of eyeliner away from being totally emo, but then again there’s only about three artists in the world who aren’t. If the middle-8 doesn’t at least provoke some kind of reaction, it probably means you’re on the verge of being unhooked from life-support.

The second song in a row that starts with a solitary organ. Hmm. If I had to write up a list of reasons why Bleeding Love is better than Intervention, it would likely begin with ‘has ace drums’. It’s true though- without the snare –half Timbaland, half 80’s cheese, although the difference between the two is becoming negligible, I suppose- Bleeding Love would basically be a decent ballad. Instead, The Drums make Bleeding Love the best single by any X-Factor entrant ever, and the best second-single by a reality TV artist since No Good Advice. High praise indeed.

Shitting on Rufus Wainwright from a great height (the title of his next album, surely), Jens Lekman is easily the best indie-pop songwriter since Sufjan, if not Stephin. It helps that he’s got a killer voice too, one that can convince you a track about accidentally chopping off your finger is the single most romantic thing in the world. Friday Night At The Drive-In Bingo, to give it it’s full title, is one of my least listened to songs on Night Falls Over Kortedala, mainly cos it’s at the end. It’s still amazing though, and anyone who doesn’t add ‘where more people who win go’ to the end of the chorus watches way less TV than they should.

Do you think if Mark Ronson wasn’t fitter than the artists he produced, anyone would give a toss about his own albums? There’s still the whole ‘urban beats’ shtick he has going on here (leading from the first chorus to the second verse, if you want to be specific), and for some reason there’s a weird sitar thing in the middle-8. Payne’s vocals are pretty good but it’s the chorus bells that make this seriously great. unless we take criminal records into account, it’s the first time you can favourably compare Ronson to Phil Spector.

Call me a masochist, but I’ve got a thing for near unlistenable vocals over twee pop songs. I’ve also got a thing for random noises that turn into full on instrumentation. And I’ve got a thing for steel drums. This should be song of the year then, no? Not quite. This doesn’t so much flirt with being annoying as much as have being annoying’s secret child and let you raise it as your own. That last sentence made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I think I’m ready to write for the NME now.

This is the one that sounds suspiciously like Come On Eileen. The album’s one of the best of the year, and it’s a joy to see Wolf knuckling down to make a few proper (read: not about child molestation, rape and whatever Bloodbeat was about) pop songs. Blimey, the bit at the start doesn’t half sound like the Go! Team, does it? In all honesty, this might as well be Mika (if he dropped the ‘unlistenable vocals’ thing and wrote more than three lines of lyrics per song), but it’s hard to begrudge Wolf for putting out a song about being happy and stuff when it sounds this good.

It’s not really been Sophie’s year, bless her. She started off running through Venice with Sophie Muller following her with a camera and ended it singing for 20,000 Take That fans in a desperate attempt to drum up interest in her forthcoming best-of. The second Cathy Dennis song on the chart so far, it’s Blondie, innit? Well, Blondie rewritten with synth parts beamed in from the middle of the 24th century. It shouldn’t really work- Sophie’s enunciation makes her sound more like a baddie from The Avengers than a madly-enamoured stalker- but it does. It’s a wonder though, when she had the third best Xenomania song of the year sitting in the middle of Trip The Light Fantastic, why she chose Me and My Imagination as the second single. Some people, eh?

I love, love, love Bertine Zetlitz. She’s probably the only popstar in the world whose post childbirth comeback would be a song telling her daughter that the world is totally unfair. The joy of it, as usual with Zetlitz, is that there’s not really much to the song itself, it just sounds fucking massive. The chorus is perfect, tinged with regret for something that’s yet to happen, with a lush synth part in the background that sounds like it’s going round and round, like a ambulance siren in a washing machine. It’s almost uncomfortable- there’s more honesty here than in the back catalogues your five favourite indie bands combined. Perhaps the reason why she’d never take off in the UK.

As the year when all the Sugababes (past and present) were involved in an album draws to a close, it seems that 3.0 were the ones with the huge hit, Mut-a-ya had the best song, but Siobhan was the only one who managed to release a consistent and frequently impressive album. Although the single choices from Ghosts have been, erm, questionable, six months after it’s release, So You Say is perhaps more charming than it was on it’s original release. Mournful without being whingey, Donaghy’s tale of a relationship gone sour is subtle but not bland, and has a chorus that sounds like an atomic bomb being dropped.

The Overpowered album campaign might have used the contrast of high art/low culture as it’s recurring motif, but there’s nothing vaguely artsy about Let Me Know. A massive, dumb as fuck dance stomper with pianos that kind of went out of style in the mid-90’s, but oh well, who cares, there’s something about Murphy that turns this into more than just a homage to decade old dance songs. It’s just refreshing, in a time when Madonna has to work with Timbaland to keep down with da kidz, to see a non-disposable popstar doing totally unique, amazing music.

I think if Kate Bush was on Sub Pop and made The Dreaming in 2007, this is probably what the third single would sound like. There’s not much higher praise than that…

The second best twee-but-charming-indie-pop-song-with-a-catchy-glockenspiel-riff of the year, not as good as Los Campesinos for a myriad of reasons. Mostly that Mr. Dear perhaps pushes the twee factor a bit too much, resulting in the midsection of I Am John nearly becoming a big gloopy sugary mess. When the multi tracked vocals finally come in in the last quarter, it all gets a bit uplifting, becoming a Sufjan-lite indie anthem. Of course, like all good Swedes, Svanangen knows anything that sounds uplifting must always be accompanied by an incredibly depressing sentiment. Lovely.

Oh, who cares that Britney’s actual involvement in the whole Blackout project is likely to have amounted to 45 minutes singing down a mobile phone. And that this, along with half of the album, is already sounding dated. Great pop never really goes out of style, Britney should know, she’s been making it for a decade. She’s also one of the only honest megastars out there- her songs deal with nothing more than tabloids, going to clubs and shagging, y’know, the only three things that Britters does nowadays. The argument that Gimme More isn’t really about, well, anything is nonsense, and only really used by people who can’t see that Led Zeppelin releasing a best-of on the eve of their reunion is every bit as cynical as the Spice Girls doing the same. Just shut up and dance, motherfuckers.

Tragically, it seems Tori just can’t be bothered anymore. After the shitshow that was The Beekeeper, she writes herself her most obvious crossover hit since a sorta fairytale, but does fuck all to promote it. A strange/smart video coupled with a few amazing and ridiculous remixes (y’know, for Radio One) could have sent Bouncing Off Clouds into the top 10, and would’ve made the American Doll Posse project appealing for people who were actually outside her immediate fanbase. But who needs new fans, when you can charge old ones £25 for t-shirts, right? What’s striking about Bouncing Off Clouds is how effortless is feels- it’s not lazy, or forceful, it’s just a really great pop song. The dance beats come in at precisely the right time too, which is nice, I guess.

In which Maximo (no I will not put that bloody awkward accent over the top of the i) Park pack more hooks into one song than they have done thus far in their career. There’s so many choruses here, it might as well be a Xenomania production (Paul Smith’s no Cheryl TweedyCole, admittedly). The middle-8, where it gets all desperate and howly is particularly amazing. The finest guys'n'guitars indie moment since Futureheads took their shoes off and threw them in the lake.

If they’d have released this first instead of How To Save a bloody Life, perhaps we could have had six months of a slightly creepy/Bonnie Tyler-esque video instead of a bunch of kids jumping off chairs and working out whether the guitarist from the band was actually Zach in Desperate Housewives or whether he just looks a bit like him. Seriously though, by The Fray’s standards, Cable Car is the hard shag to How To Save a Life’s Dashboard Confessional induced make-out session. Sporting metaphors, stupid, stupid lyrics and a massive singalong chorus. Who said they were just for Mondeo drivers?

BOOM-BA-BOOM-tsh is, without a doubt, the greatest intro of all time, no? Phil Spector started it, Camera Obscura indified it, and Stephin Merritt did it fifteen years ago when he was making albums on a 25p budget. I’m pretty sure it’s never been followed by a creepy-as-fuck harpsichord riff though, or a chorus that sounds like a Bond theme if he were under the order of the Munsters or something. Make no mistake, Natasha Khan hasn’t an ounce of originality, but who really needs to be innovative when you can have giant scary rabbits riding bikes at night. Yes? Yes.

There’s only about two musical moments in 2007 that match Nick Cave spitting out the words “revolting little Chihuahua”. This answers the age old question “what’s better than a song about romancing?”. Obviously, the answer is a song about a pervy old man who’s romancing but not getting anything from the laydeez. Don’t let singer/songwriter types tell you any different- this is how a track about unrequited lust should be handled.

This year’s official indie-crossover country artist (previous years title holders included the Dixie Chicks and Loretta Lynn. Birds with issues, really). As easy as it is to take the piss out of the genre, when a country song’s done right, it’s more relatable than any other kind of music on earth, even when it bears little resemblance to your life (this is from someone who’s spent many a drunken night howling along to Family Tree). Lambert’s witty description of small town life as actually half social commentary (“sometimes things don’t work out y’all). Refreshingly, for a year when British music’s been 90% whinge about how rubbish things are in small towns, Lambert’s never judgemental, choosing to have a bit of a drive in the middle-8 rather than start a rant about everyone being a cunt. I’m pretty sure there’s not been a song about death this cute in a long time.

Wah wah wah, she sold herself to Steve Jobs. Get over yourselves. Less likely artists have flogged their songs to stranger companies than Apple. Dragonette were singing over a Vick’s vapour rub advert the other day. It wasn’t I Get Around, although that would have been HILARIOUS. Anyway, 1234 works so well because, like most of Feist’s original material, it’s a really simple, obvious idea (a nice little ditty about being a teenager) done in a totally romantic, old fashioned, but somehow non-schmaltzy style. As usual, Feist’s performance is stunning, part-lounge singer, part-indie goddess, it doesn’t matter if she’s on TV every five minutes looking blue and sparkly and stuff, because it’s going to take at nothing short of a Feist-inspired mass murder to spoil this song. Ace video too.

The synths do sound somehow familiar. I’ve heard about half a dozen people say it, and it’s true. It might just be that Song 4 Mutya is so straightforward, it’s hard to believe that nobody’s done it before, sometime between Can’t Get You Out Of My Head and Negotiate With Love. So it’s both dated and futuristic, and as such, gets older but more likeable with every listen. Personally, I like the idea of it being about the Sugababes but Mutya not realising (in the same way that Richard X never told Rachel Stevens her biggest hit was about giving head), but that’s probably because I don’t like the idea of it being something Estelle passed on to Mutya. Much sunnier than most of the Sugababes’ electro stuff, Push The Button aside, although this was the woman who made a description of her sexy ass sound like the most innocent thing in the world. She could probably render a Knife song suitable for Same Difference.

There are literally 30,000 end-of year singles round ups with this on the top spot. They can probably describe why it’s great better than I can. All I know is that it does that really amazing thing where one riff is played all the way through and it doesn’t become annoying. And that it’s not as good as Call The Shots but is better than Song 4 Mutya. Christ, it’s almost like i’m expected to write about music or something.

As much fun as Sexy! No, No, No… was, essentially it featured Xenomania sounding like a parody of Xenomania (look, weird structure! ADD friendly choruses! Nicola relegated to the middle-8!), the smartest move Fascination have ever (seriously, have you seen some of their decisions? Letting Sophie put out Today The Sun's On Us as a single? Eesh.) made is choosing to put out the slow burner. No, it’s not got eight choruses and a sample from an obscure Parisian trip-hop artist, but it’s all the better for it. Beautifully simple, more melancholy than most of the Girl’s proper ballads are and with the most gorgeous ‘oohs’ you hear all year.

This feels to big to be ignored. It’s hard to believe a song this stunning is yet to be a major hit of any kind. Adele hangs around with the Hoxtonites, but she’s really leagues ahead of them. Her voice is just…fucking amazing, cutting through those rolling piano chords, clear and expressive but still smoky and mysterious. More so than Winehouse, she could be the true voice of a generation. As witnessed by the acoustic guitar performance of Hometown Glory, she could perform this over an orchestra of clanging pans, and it’d still be a thing of pure beauty.

It’s Bjork singing over a Timberlake-era Timbaland song, which alone would allow it a position in the top 40 singles of the year. Earth Intruders is a better pop song, yes, but Innocence is the main event- Bjork sounds like she’s fighting with that huge, chunky drum beat, and there’s a moment of pure ecstasy in the intro when it almost turns into a Missy song. There’s no real chorus, and only a hint at a middle-8, it doesn’t matter. How this didn’t go stratospheric is a question that needs answering

Yep, to all intents and purposes it’s a cover of Sweet Temptation. So what? The moment where British indie realised that the kids like big massive pop songs as much as they like hiding the fact they do, Bloc Party realised that their own tracks would be roughly 83 times better if performed on synths. Lyrically, it’s ambigious (Kele, you’re sooo original) but could well be a dig at post-Monkeys indie. The dance element, however cynical it might be, works a treat, and if you’re not totally swept up by the end of the intro, you’re probably not listening loud enough. Dance music, innit?

Ahead of Tangled Up not being the year’s biggest selling album and Mika’s continued success, 2007’s most glaring musical injustice is Dragonette failing to sell, well, any records. I Get Around is the kind of introduction most pop groups would kill for. Catchy enough for Radio One, slaggy enough for dance fans, that it didn’t get through to either is totally puzzling. I guess this position isn’t just for I Get Around though. It’s for an amazing album that nobody listened to. For two incredible, filthy but witty videos that went over the heads of the ‘stop this smut!’ brigade. For covering Calvin Harris and improving it no end. For, in spite of the lack of success they’ve had, being among the top three pop groups of the year. Here’s to a better 2008.

You want high concept? Two drums, one singer, no guest verse from Jay-Z, and lyrics about make-up. Lip Gloss is much more fun that it’s minimal production would suggest, and the whole ‘yeah, I’m fucking hotter than you, cunt’ hasn’t been done with this much vigour since Milkshake. There’s some really great pop moments here, more than you’d expect. “Miss McClarson?” being the highlight, obviously. The smartest dumb song of the year.

I, for one, didn’t think that M.I.A.’s best single of the year would be a cover of a 1980’s Bollywood song. Nor M.I.A. doing a cover of a Bollywood song would be as faithful to the original as this is. She’s still politically minded (a passing reference to Darfur), but Jimmy is practically a love song, something nobody expected from the woman who opened her debut album with the statement “I got the bombs to make you blow” or whose last flirtation with musical romance was a song about robbing someone’s phone in vengeance for them stealing her boyfriend. The strings are gorgeous and epic sounding (who knew that Boney M had such an impact on the modern pop landscape?), Switch’s production blurs the line between modern r’n’b and Bollywood disco and Maya’s never sounded better. The most delightful surprise of 2007.

I wasn’t in love at first. It’s undeniably catchy (nothing short of a screwdriver is going to remove that riff from your head), and the vocals are twee and kinda charming, but there was something...contrived about it. As if indie was getting bored of itself so decided to add a violin or two. Over time, it started to make perfect sense though. What The Arcade Fire on a ferris wheel instead of a steam train, You! Me! Dancing! is so joyously simple in it’s execution that it’s hard to believe it wasn’t drawn in crayons by children. Most indie groups spend a lifetime attempting to capture the spirit of the their generation, LC! do it in eight words, in the outro and almost hide it under layers of giddy instrumentation. Daft as owt, but pretty near perfect.

Rihanna is not our generation’s Madonna. That’s Robyn (business savvy, ahead of her time, knows exactly the right people, c’mon who else is it going to be?). Rihanna is the new Kylie. She’s sweet, if somewhat bland, and has one major major thing going for her- amazing songs. And at the moment she’s better than Kylie because she makes tracks about going to clubs that actually sound like tracks about going to clubs, but that’s for another article. So, Umbrella, the cause of several thousand “isn’t the weather shit, it must be Rihanna’s fault LOL” jokes this summer, eight months later is still in the lower reaches of the top 40. It’s a track with the kind of broad appeal that no song’s had since Crazy. It’s got a hip-hop beat, an electro backing and a huge pop chorus, doesn’t specifically belong to any of those genres, but could fit into any of them. If your heart doesn’t feel like it’s ready to burst by the time the middle-8 surges into the chorus, you should probably check your pulse. Massive in every sense of the word, even if Rihanna never has another hit again (she will do though, trust me) it doesn’t matter, she’s had a song that was something 99.9% of artists can only ever dream of achieving- zeitgeist. Not bad for a track about keeping the rain off your head, eh? (eh, eh, eh… stop there –Ed)

Not that there’s anything wrong with the studio version of Tony The Beat, I just prefer the Rex The Dog remix is all. The studio version would be in the top five, easily, Rex The Dog just gives it that extra boost of amazing. On paper, the idea of Rex doing a remix of Tony The Beat seems kind of pointless. He usually specialises in turning undanceable dance music (mainly The Knife) into something very poppy and highly danceable. TTB was already loads of fun to be starting off with. Rex’s version just adds that extra something. Synths mainly. You reach the chorus thinking there’ no way it’ll get any better than that, and BAM, along comes the middle-8 with a massive drum-led breakdown to kick you in the nuts for thinking it had climaxed. There’s not much more to say- it’s a very good song made into an even more very good song. Plus, did you see the video that they made for it (the one with the puppets, the not ugly whores titsorama official one)? Amazing.

In all honesty, I didn’t think I’d be putting With Every Heartbeat in this position. It’s nearly two years now since it first surfaced on the internet, half a year since it got to number one. When compiling the list, initially, it was in the top five, but Rihanna, The Sounds, M.I.A. and Lil Mama had all been on the top spot before I decided to put Robyn there. The reason isn’t because it’s far and wide the best song of the year. It isn’t, that’s Your Arms Around Me by Jens Lekman (however, since he never released it as a single, he can go shove it). It’s because it’s awesome song, totally depressing, unbelievably catchy, and when the drums come in during the final section, you’ll swear that Robyn snuck up and placed them right next to your chest, it’s also because of what it represents. Real pop music, made by proper popstars, with no cynicism or pandering to particular demographics. The moment I realised how big that Swedish chick with the Be Mine! song all the bloggers loved three years had become was when I saw some guy in a football shirt coming out of a pub in Leeds singing “baby we can make it aaaaaalllrrrrigggghhhhhttttt….”. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t part the audience Robyn expected to reach. But she did. And for one week in August, With Every Heartbeat was the biggest song in Britain. Would this be on top of this list if it didn’t get to number one? Probably not. But i’m documenting the forty best singles of the year, and, as the format slowly dies out, it’s hard to think of one other single this year that proved, indisputably that intelligent, independently-minded pop music still had a place in the British charts and in the world of pop. Robyn deserves the success she has had, and With Every Heartbeat deserves the title of the best single of 2007.

The Top 10 TV Shows Of 2007

2007-12-01T11:31:00.000-08:00

It's come to the time of the year where lists are made. Christmas lists, shopping lists, hell, even the sex offenders register probably gets busier in December. But mostly, it's lists that round up the year, albums, singles, movies, and TV show. We'll be covering the top 10 albums, and top 40 singles of the year, but first, with the writer's strike in full swing, and the second half of the 2007-2008 season seeming unlikely to happen, it's time to look back on the best television shows of 2007. In many ways, it's been a terrible year for TV: the strike, the end of Veronica Mars, Heroes getting crappy, the continuing success of the Friday Night Project... you get the picture? It's not all bad, however, and here are ten of the best things on TV in 2007.

The only show this year to cause a 'won'tsomebodythinkofthechildren' reaction from middle England (read: the Daily Mail kicked up a bit of a fuss), Skins isn't great because of the sex, drugs and yet more sex. It's great because it's funny, subversive, knows that a lot of the time teenagers are dickheads, but mostly it's great because of Sid and Cassie. If it's not the most believable teenage romance on TV, it's easily the sweetest. It's telling that the most affecting thing about the final episode isn't the guy from About A Boy getting mowed down by a bus, but two kids holding hands. Now let's see them fuck it all up during season two.

Oh, who cares that most of the songs have nothing to do with the plot. And most of the time, the plot doesn't even need to be there. The first season of Flight Of The Conchords is a joy from start to finish. A parody of French music videos of the 60s? Yep. A stop motion kid's TV show starring a racist dragon and a badly burnt Albanian boy? Aye. A David Bowie tribute? There. You'll be hard pushed to find a more surreal, inventive and outright hilarious half hour of comedy on television. And it's made by HBO, but doesn't have someone's face being punched in by a pimp or something equally 'gritty' and 'realistic'. Amazing.

Unsurprisingly for a show about, ahem, herbal relaxants, Weeds actually moves kinda slow. Three years on, Nancy's just a little more seasoned. It's the sharp writing and fantastic cast that keep viewers coming back, though. This year, Nancy's 'bought' by a crack dealer, one of the Olsen twins gets slaggy, and, in an incredibly coincidental storyline, Agrestic burns down. But the real reason to watch Weeds is the dialogue- witty, razor sharp and filthier than almost everything else on TV, lines like "they say arson is a sexual crime. Couldn't you have just rubbed one out?" are enough to make most other TV writers reach for their joints.

BBC Three might be famous for Little Britain and (shudder) Two Pints Of Lager, however, shows like the blacker than black Pulling and Gavin and Stacy are expanding it's appeal beyond people who've just got back from Chinawhites. With a plot that could have been breathtakingly schmaltzy (girl and guy fall in love over internet, but live hundreds of miles apart), or (judging by the channel's comedy output thus far) just a series of bad sex jokes, is sort of what i imagine Judd Apatow and Richard Curtis making a sitcom would be like. There's sex jokes, however, they're coupled with a huge heart, and great scripts. It might be polemic to every other British sitcom of recent times, but Gavin and Stacy is just what the BBC need- an old fashioned, sweet rom-com.

Going out with neither a bang or a whimper, the final episodes of Veronica Mars reminded us why we fell in love with Vera in the first place. It wasn't like The OC's finale, where we were reassured that everything was alright, and nothing bad ever happened to anybody ever (although didn't Ryan look like a paedophile in the last scene?). T's were left uncrossed, and, refreshingly, everything wasn't okay. It didn't end with a kiss on a street, once again, Veronica was left alone, with things looking bleak. It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain.

Anybody who was unsure as to why Green Wing never quite gained mainstream recognition just needs to watch it's final episode. Joanna and Alan kill themselves, in one of the most oddly beautiful shots of the year. Guy continued to be a total cunt, and not of the smart arse Dr. House variety. And even though Mac and Caroline got married, he was probably still dying (unless you consider the alternate ending to be canonical). It doesn't matter, Victoria Pile wrapped it up perfectly. We don't need to know what happens afterwards, Caroline blissfully floating away said it all.

The best comic ensemble on television, there's not a weak link in 30 Rock. Tina Fey shines as Liz Lemon, one of the only female comic characters since Elaine Benes to make jokes rather than just be them. Sharp, cynical, with a healthy dose of surrealism (My Name Is Earl can be great, but it never had Prince Gerhardt), and featuring one of the decade's most all round brilliant comic creations (Kenneth the page, surely one of the most beloved characters on TV), it's a crime that hardly anybody watches it. But Seinfeld didn't really pull in viewers until season four. Let's hope that NBC has the balls to stick with it for a little longer.

We can argue for hours of the relative merits of the British and American Offices, but one thing is undeniable- there's no way that Gervais and Merchant's version would have sustained four seasons and been as fantastic as the American Office is. Nor could it have made an episode as beautifully tender and funny as Money. And if you think we'd care that much for Tim and Dawn after they got together, you're sorely mistaken. Maybe making the characters more well rounded, and well, nicer means that it's not as dark as the original, but i'd take Dunder Mifflin over Wernham Hogg any day.

Surely shows aren't supposed to get better over time? Well maybe you can peak around third season, but actually improving over a whole decade seems impossible, no? Perhaps Matt and Trey weren't paying attention when they were told to get worse with age, whatever the reason was, in it's eleventh season, South Park is funnier, smarter and more subversive than ever. The first half of the season is the funniest, dealing with race relations, sexuality, and a nuclear weapon being implanted in Hilary Clinton's vagina, but the season's (and perhaps the show's) finest moment is Imaginationland, a trilogy of episodes filled with more brilliant moments than every episode of American Dad combined. Long may South Park remain in rude health.

Pushing Daises is amazing for more reasons than i can list on one blog. But the show's brilliance is perhaps exemplified by Lily and Vivian. On the surface, they're cartoon characters, kooky aunts, one's nasty, one's nice. BFD, right? But when Vivian picks up a postcard from Chuck, and both she and Lily realise that she's never coming home, it's a more affecting moment than the hundreds of identikit relatives on CSI being told their loved ones where put in a blender or something. Essentially a crime procedural by Roald Dahl, Pushing Daisies is tinged with loss, sadness and longing. It's also the sweetest love story on television, and funnier than most comedies to boot. It's strangely fitting that a show about death should be so joyfully life affirming.

Swoon

2007-11-08T04:16:00.000-08:00

Tina Fey, marry me please.

It's amazing and everything, BUT....

2007-11-07T06:30:00.000-08:00

sounds a lot like...

Yes? Yes.

A brief guide to to the new Bertine Zetlitz single

2007-10-31T12:21:00.000-07:00

You probably don't recognise the woman on the right, but you really really should. She's called Bertine Zetlitz and is one of the most amazingly brilliant popstars of the decade. She's from an area of Scandinavia (quelle surprise), and has released literally shitloads of music that you haven't heard. She also worked with Richard X, which is praise enough in itself, don't you think?
Anyway, to celebrate nearly a decade of being ignored by British people, she's releasing a best of. The first single off it is called 'Ashamed', and unlike most 'best of singles' is not a total shitshow, and is actually one of the best singles of the year. Here's some things about it.

-The intro sounds like The Dresden Dolls, Aly and AJ and The Knife, and makes no sense whatsoever but then goes into the real song, which starts off like a mix of the new Roisin stuff and a song off an advert i can't remember.
-However, the chorus is totally totally amazing. It is a bit like the Pet Shop Boys (especially the last line of the chorus) but also a lot like Bertine Zetlitz.
-The song is a bit of a downer and about doing stuff that you're not particularly proud of.
-However, in terms of miserableness, it's not exactly the new PJ Harvey record, and 'Ashamed' is crying out for an absolutely absurd rave remix that will become FUCKING MASSIVE 'in the clubs'
-It all ends a bit suddenly, but seems all the better for it after you've listened to it a few times

So, that's the new Bertine Zetlitz single. And now that Stylus has shut down, nobody outside of the Popjustice boards will hear it. Nice.

How many writers/producers does it take to make a new Kylie album?

2007-09-23T02:09:00.000-07:00

At least 25, apparently.

B-b-b-but since Cathy Dennis, Greg Kurstin, Bloodshy & Avant and the Freemasons are involved, it's unlikely to be terrible. Hooray.

Ten things about the new Leona Lewis single

2007-09-17T01:56:00.000-07:00

Who's that sat on some steps? Why, it's Leona Lewis, and she's just parked her arse on a bunch of roses. Oh dear. Leona has a new single coming out. And it's not dreadful. Who'da thunk? Here's some things about it.

1) It is called Bleeding Love
2) It is about neither sex during menstruation or some kind of weird blood fetish.
3) It is very, very good.
4) It proves that Leona Lewis is a) a proper popstar and b) perhaps the X Factor isn't so useless after all
5) It sounds very 80's, but also very now, without using synths. Go figure
6) It is the second time this year that some kind of reality TV winner has followed up a mawkish ballad with something midtempo and brilliant. The first time being Jordin Sparks' Tattoo, which is still good, even though it's basically Umbrella but less electro and with even stupider lyrics.
7) It could be that Leona may be the second reality pop act to release a non-terrible debut album. But only if she includes A Moment Like This as a bonus track, rather than a proper part of the album.
8) If Cowell does it right, this will be massive in America
9) Surprisingly, Leona's vocals are not all 'look at me, i can scale eight octaves in three seconds'. They are fairly restrained and unshowoffy, which is something we can all be thankful for.
10) It is a song which could be a major comeback hit for any 80s/90s artist who is still famous but not for the music. Instead it is going to be a major hit for Leona. Well done her.

Chart roundup- 9/9/2007 (not 2009, unfortunatley)

2007-09-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

1.Sean Kingston- Beautiful Girls
I liked this song for a short while. I could even tolerate Kingston's voice, and described it as having 'a sort of interesting quality to it'. Perhaps it's seeing one of his horrific live performances on Youtube. Perhaps it's hearing Jojo's (better) version. I don't know. But i've come to the conclusion that Sean Kingston just cannot bloody sing. The production's impeccable, and the sample is absolutely fucking inspired. If his voice didn't sound like the exact midpoint between a foghorn and Mort Goldman from Family Guy, it might be the third great number one of 2007.

2. Plain White T's- Hey There Delilah

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. At least it's nice to know the one hit wonder's alive and well (we've got at least three entires in the top 10 who will never have as big as hit as their current single again). Christ, Bright Eyes had the decency to be...good. After four minutes, you see exactly why Delilah's fucked off to New York, and is probably shagging somebody with a trust fund. Good on her.

3. Kanye West- Stronger
Kanye's gonna put them straight. Kanye's smart, has at least a reasonable knowledge of politics, and isn#t too bad at this whole production malarkey. So, what is he going to do now? Have a go at George Bush? Highlight the problems in Darfur? Erm, no, he's going to spend five minutes talking about how he's gonna get into your pants, over a sample by a band nobody in the blogosphere's cared about since 2001. Nice.

4. James Blunt- 1973
Despite failing to inject any life into Texas, Blunt should have handed production of this one over to Xenomania. If the 'here we go again's led into a MASSIVE chorus, this would have been Quite Good. As it goes, it could be anybody. Yep, a James Blunt record through and through.

5. Girls Aloud- Sexy No No No
Yes, it's messy. Yes, it never really matches up to the brilliance of the intro. And yes, Brian Higgins really needs to move on from The Show, but it's sort of refreshing that in a year where Dragonette, Chungking and Siobhan Donaghy have failed to have any hits whatsoever, the British Public (TM) are still willing to buy a record that is madder than everything else in the top 10 put together. Continuing their run of top ten hits (impressive, considering they released See The Day), whilst this'll be forgotten about once the next single comes around, it certainly livened up the

6. Rihanna- Shut Up And Drive
Good Girl Gone Bad is still a good album, but this is nowhere near as great as it first sounded. Compared to the amazing Don't Stop The Music (the gayest record of the year until Booty Luv recorded their next single) it's a bit flat, really. Oh well, you can't win them all.

7. Robyn With Kleerup- With Every Heartbeat
I have tried to get over this song. But Robyn has the power to make you act like a quivering infant in just one line. It's the kind of song that makes you want to fly to Sweden and tell her everything's okay, but then it turns out that you're far more upset than she is. It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain, i guess.

8. 50 Cent/Justin Timberlake- Ayo Technology
In case you don't get it by now, 50 is good at sex. Justin Timberlake is also good at sex. I don't know if Timbaland is good at sex, he only seems to complain about Scott Storch nowadays. He does hang around with Timberlake a lot though. Perhaps he holds the camera. Anyway, combining forces should make a record that is so dripping with sex, you will need a wash immediately afterwards. Funnily enough, it just ends up sounding like a demo from the FutureSex/LoveSounds sessions that's got 50 rapping over parts that they never quite finished.

9. Scouting For Girls- She's So Lovely
Oh christ, it's Air Traffic but without the 2 good songs. Having a simple message is no excuse for crap lyrics. Brian Wilson basically wrote songs about having fun on a beach, but he never to my knowledge tried to rhyme 'cool' with 'beautiful'. It's no better than trying to fill your songs with long words just to sound smart. The video raises many questions too. Why does the girl's boyfriend look like he's a rapist? Is the lead singer really as downs syndromey as he looks? Why does every male in the bowling alley stare slack jawed at a girl who, whilst not unattractive, is surely no more than a 6? So many questions. I don't think the band will answer them, they'll be too busy finding something that rhymes with 'fit'.

10. Timbaland Ft Keri Hilson- The Way I Are
Surely there's a piece waiting to be written by The Guardian about whether Timbaland's dominance of the top 10 has resulted in lesser quality songs? Whether it has, or it hasn't, this (and 55% of his Shock Value album) is still ace. And the caravan line only gets better with time.

7/09/2007- that was the week that...

2007-09-07T09:19:00.002-07:00

-Someone from High School Musical got very very naked

-The Sugababes put out this terrible video.

-Everybody forgot who won Big Brother 8 by the Wednesday after it ended

-Britney told everybody she would be having a bit of a sing and dance this weekend.

-Girls Aloud released a song that did far better than anybody thought it would do

-Russell T Davies thought it would be best if Doctor Who had a rest for a year

-Amy Winehouse sang a song in front of a lot of people. It was very good. She also became £20 richer

-However, the Klaxons became £20,000 richer. They had a good night, and were all happy about winning a prize. That is all.

-Kate Nash made a video that featured rollerskates

-Someone from Malawi came to make sure that Madonna isn't locking David in a cupboard.

-Every American television critic decided that Pushing Daisies is the best show of all time, despite no airing anywhere yet.

-Timbaland didn't much care for Gimme More

-Pavarotti died, and lots of people were sad

Have a good weekend, everyone.

They said no, no, no

2007-07-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the death of blogging, but for reasons far too complicated to go into here (we got a Wii) there's not been much time in the last few days for this kind of thing.
Anyway, it being over a week since Sexy! No, No, No... was heard for the first time, it may be time to actually write something about the song. But that's boring, and anybody who's heard it will be able to tell you that it's amazing and the first proper 21st century pop song since SexyBack to sound like it belongs on the mental ward. Instead, we're going to take a look through what Youtube has to offer in terms of Sexy! No, NO, NOOOOOO!!!! videos. That's what the title SHOULD be, btw.

Right, first off, what the fuck is up with Tweedycole's hair? Get it sorted. As slick and professional as we've come to expect from GA, the first TV performance featured LOTS of finger wagging. In what world is that a bad thing?

Picture montage! It serves as a reminder that when Sharding doesn't ruin it by being a drunken slag, they're probably the most photogenic pop band around. LOL at 0:32 and 2:06.

With lyrics. Fucking hell, Miranda Cooper covers a broad range of topics doesn't she?

This was probably the most pointless blog post ever. Fab.

What a diss

2007-07-20T05:37:00.000-07:00

For one reason or another, Song 4 Mut-a-ya has gone from being Song Of The Summer (back in February) to Not As Good As Umbrella, and now, back to Song Of The Summer. Listen, i don't give a crap about terrible videos, they could have played Triumph Of The Will over the top of it, because there is NOTHING like turning on the TV and hearing it.

I was going to put a picture of the lady herself looking fabulously trashy, but when digging through the internet, we discovered that Mut-a-ya's Myspace has a picture of a sideways dog.

At this point, we don't know whether Mut-a-ya bought this dog off John Barrowman, because it is sideways and all the normal dogs were laughing at it, or whether it is just a normal dog and Mut-a-ya needs a new camera. We also don't know the dog's name, perhaps it is Mut-a-l(Sniiiip!)

Anyway, i've decided to listen to all of Out Of Control Open Brackets, Song 4 Mut-a-ya, Close Brackets (Soundboy Rock version, cos it's longer) and list all the things that are AMAZING about it. This could take some time

00:00: The very first synth bits
00:03: The really exciting "do-do-do!" part
00:14: "Out of control"
00:15: OMGz IT'S MUYTA
All of the first vocal bit: The weird guitar(?) in the background
00:24: Oh thank god, she's starting to sing. The raop bits were good, but she's no Tweedycole
00:25: "I'm driving faaaast..."
The synth thing in the background of the second part
00:39: The 'dum dum' to the chorus
00:44: Backing vocal Mut-a-yas
00:57: The proper chorus kicks in and it's AMAZING TIMES 1000
01:38: This isn't getting any worse
01:56: "It's a sure fire way to ruin my day.."
02:04: "NOOOOO NOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
02:09: More bloody amazing synths
02:15: We're just about halfway through!
02:32: The "mmm" that leads into the third chorus
02:51: Whoop, blippy synthy bits
03:10 onwards: The whole bloody thing. In fact, the entire song could be described as 'fairly listenable', could it not?

Anyway, make this number one. And if you don't, make Robyn number one. Or buy the exact same amount of copies of each and make them both number one. Yes, that'll do nicely.

EDIT: Here's that picture. Do you want some? Well do you?

Sexy.

EIAMS Music Prize 2007: The nominees

2007-07-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

There's some sort of other music prize nomination thing going on tomorrow. But ours is much better because it doesn't bother with nonsense like nationality because we are not racist like that. We also don't bother with whether the album has come out yet, because Galore is FUCKING amazing. Anyway, here's what they are. The winner will be announced when it becomes apparant which is the most amazing record. This will probably happen on a bus.

In no particular order:

Sophie Ellis-Bextor- Trip The Light Fantastic
LCD Soundsystem- Sound of Silver
Siobhan Donaghy- Ghosts
Joanna Newsom- Ys
Patrick Wolf- The Magic Position
Emily Haines- Knives Don’t Have Your Back
Bjork- Volta
Loney, Dear- Loney, Noir
Feist- The Reminder
Rihanna- Good Girl Gone Bad
Robyn- Robyn
Dragonette- Galore

M.I.A.'s new album cover is about as subtle as you would expect

2007-07-16T05:14:00.000-07:00

Amazing, no?

I don't care, just drop it off

2007-07-13T16:17:00.000-07:00

It's sort of embarassing being from the UK at the moment. We're lagging behind in the pop stakes at the moment, and for some reason, 2007's best stuff is coming out of the US. We've already had Rihanna stealing the summer (and good weather), Hilary Duff becoming the new Rachel Stevens, and now (Disney's own!??!?) Aly & AJ making one of the year's best pop albums. Obviously, the whole 'fags should burn' mentality is not something i would necessarily agree with, but i honestly couldn't give a fuck about their beliefs when they make something as brilliantly clever/stupid as The Potential Break-Up song. The whole album's pretty decent, and kind of gives you hope for the rest of Disney's teenpop brigade, even after Hannah fucking Montana.

New Girls Aloud logo. Hmm. Although Sexy! No, no, no can't come soon enough, frankly.

Countryfile: Volume one

2007-07-13T01:28:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking. And it's not, as Nicola Roberts once said, my butt. You're thinking "Mr. Byron, why don't you dedicate more time to writing about country music?". My reply would be 'because most country music is shit'. But, as with any genre, there are always exceptions. However, the following songs are every bit as terrible as you might imagine. So grab your poundland cowboy hat and, erm, saddle up. Ew.

You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly

Ah, the old ones are literally the oldest ones. Yeah, the Youtube vid is a cover of the AMAZING and ANCIENT Loretta Lynn/Conway Twitty song. If you've not heard it, download it right now. It is the definitive song about not really liking somebody you're with (take that 'Kate Nash') and having ugly kids.

Big & Rich- Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)

Whoever said that country music was above smutty innuendo and chat up lines so unsubtle they make Rihanna's new album sound like mild suggestion was very wrong. It's like a bizzaro world Black Eyed Peas/

Trace Adkins- Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

This song is amazing on so many levels. It's basically what Tori Amos should have done instead of Big Wheel. It starts off sounding like the Seinfeld theme tune. It then goes on sounding like a filthy country song. And when you think you've figured out what's going on, there's A FUCKING HUGE EURO-HOUSE MIDDLE-8. It's obvious that they should just throw some sleigh bells over the top and release it as a Christmas song in December. The campaign for Christmas number one starts here....

Pass the sickbag, Marcel

2007-06-20T02:24:00.000-07:00

Mika's new video is here.

I'd like it more if a) it had no lyrics, b) it wasn't basically a reheated (deep fried?) version of his last single and c) Mika himself didn't look like the bastard child of Jerry Seinfeld and Doctor Guy from Green Wing.

I guess his appeal lies in the fact he's a one man Playschool Scissor Sisters. For those who've not quite figured that Take Your Mama is about telling your mother that you're gay. Christ alive, the video even starts like Laura (if it were directed by Ken Loach). Because if you take away the wit, the subversiveness of the first album, the fact that Jake Shears is actually quite likeable, you're left with lift muzak. It's that point that Mika steps in and adds his (increasingly grating) vocals on the top.

There's nothing redeeming or positive about the song or video. It looks like a poundshop Feist promo, and the song itself is little more than a nursery rhyme for the WKD generation. Let's see how beautiful you feel when throwing up a kebab into the back of a taxi. It's a fucking hollow, insincere, hateful piece of shit, and the sooner Mika sinks from the charts forever, the better, frankly.

And if you honestly think that this is 'what British music needs', might is suggest you grow the fuck up and get onto something a little more adult. We'll start on High School Musical and work our way up from there.

Btw, Peter Robinson did an amazing piece on Mika being a twat, which i can't be arsed linking to, but which is worth 'checking out'.

He's going to the zoo, zoo, zoo

2007-06-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but trips to the zoo for me meant a long journey down the M60, a few shitty, lazy animals, and coming home with a strong feeling of hatred towards wildlife and a piece of fudge shaped like an elephant. Clearly, R Kelly has something else in mind entirely.

His new song 'The Zoo' is essentially the follow up to 'Sex In The Kitchen'. The whole thing's one long extended metaphor for sex that's in turns disturbing and utterly fucking brilliant.

Highlights include
0.30- "It's like Jurassic Parc except i'm your Sex-a-saurus'
0.42- (Monkey noises) "Those are the sounds i want to hear" (not content with 14 year old girls, Kel is now shagging monkeys, 'pparantly.
1.58- "Like two cheetahs running free" (????!!??!)
2.07- "You're my safari" (Because i want to shoot you and use your teeth for piano keys)
2.15- "We're like coconut and banana trees"

Indeed.

The Museum Of Wrong, part one

2007-05-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

Ella, ella, ella...eh?

2007-05-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

The Rihanna album is actually Fucking Amazing. WTF?

I mean really, really amazing. It's the only album (thus far) this year where EVERY track is over an eight. It's sort of puzzling how someone like Rihanna who has had a 95:5 crap:gold ratio can release something so breathtakingly fantastico whilst Britney continues to mime along to decade old hits. Oh well, here's the 'rough guide' to 'Good Girl Gone Bad'.

Umbrella- This is number one (dislodging the equally mindblowingly brilliant Translyvania) and will be number one for Quite Some Time. She's 'doing the rounds' at the moment, and the version with added guitar is rather super.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: It's about love and shit, but the Umbrella is probably her fanny (hence the 'come into me' line)

Push Upon Me- This had great yelpy chorus and really obnoxious snares

Don't Stop The Music- OMG Eurohouse. It's like a non shit Cascada
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'Your aura is incredible'= i took a whole bunch of drugs and now you just look like colours

Breakin' Dishes: It's like Bossy with a whole bunch of synths thrown in for no good reason. Basically, everything pop should be. Like Umbrella, it has shitty middle-8 syndrome, but you forget about it as soon as it's over.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: The songs all about an angsty trip to Ikea which, as all Ikea trips do, ends up with somebody throwing 19p plates at the wall.

Shut Up And Drive: Too many people are concerned with sounding 'angry' and 'serious' (cough *Kelly Clarkson* cough) when they should be making things that are as brilliantly stupid as this.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'A whole lot of boom in the back'= explosive diarrohea

Hate That I Love You: It's the shittiest thing on the album and is better than Irreplaceable and by some distance the best thing Ne-Yo has ever put his voice on.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'I hate that i love you so'= You are good in bed, but a little less 'boom in the back' wouldn't go amiss, please.

Say It: Absolutley terrifying. There's a horrifying distorted backing track that makes it sounds like a nightmare sequence. This'll learn 'em.

Sell Me Candy: Mel C must be kicking herself after hearing this one.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: The whole song is about sucking on sweets. I hope she cleans her teeth before she goes to bed.

Lemme Get That: M.I.A. meets Boney-M at Timbaland's house
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'I got a house and i need new furniture'= boob job paid for by Jay-Z

Rehab: Straight up rip-off of 'What Goes Around...', which is still better than anything Rihanna did up to 2006.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'I should never have let you into my door'= Ahem.

Question Existing: It's starts off like R Kelly at his most lyrically terrible (ergo brilliant) and only improves from thereonin.

Good Girl Gone Bad: Final proof that, even for Jack Penate's sins, thee's a reason not to brn every guitar in the world.
RIHANNA METAPHOR DECODER: 'It's easy for a good girl to go bad'= My next album will be so shit it will make you want to take a holiday at Club 18-30: Auschwitz.

Cunty charity album alert!

2007-04-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

There's a CD coming out to help Darfur. Fair enough, it probably needs helping. Things might be a bit shit there, and who better to point that out than a bunch of popstars showboating their way through some covers. How bad can it be?

Here's how bad. Green Day. Haguilera. Corinne Bailey Rae.

OH MY GOD, IT ACTUALLY GETS WORSE

Black Eyes Peas. Aerosmith. Jack fucking Johnson.

It's a kick in the balls for your CD player.

And to top it all off, U2 are on it.

Bono like charity. DO. YOU. SEE???!!!????

I think it's fair to say that if the British government hired a cat burglar to go around every house in Britain, steal the most valuable heirloom, pawn it off and give the money to a Darfur charity, it'd be infinitely preferable to having to buy an album just so Jack fucking Johnson gets a smug feeling that he's done something good for the world when he's arsing around on his surfboard. You want to do something good for the world, Jack? Hang yourself on national television then sell your corpse on eBay, donating all the profits to the poor cunts who've had to cope with your twatting music all over the world. It's just a suggestion.

Hideously inappropiate, but still quite magic

2007-04-26T02:37:00.001-07:00

I'm going to hell anyway, so i might as well say this. It's the greatest song of all time, despite what might happen in the next few weeks.

A good pop video

2007-04-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

Reasons it is good include having a singer who looks like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, and having a singer who looks like an Abercrombie and Fitch model wearing no top.

Paging Johnny Borrell!

This is NOT the kind of thing you can get away with. Frankly, the sight of you topless is worryingly reminiscent of Gollum. The time has come to put your clothes back on.

We Are The Sharp Shooters: The Youtube Review, April 2007

2007-04-22T04:53:00.000-07:00

Bjork: Earth Intruders

Pros:
It's Bjork. And it's Timbaland.
Bjork's face is HUGE
It's exceptionally pretty

Cons:
In comparison to other videos, nothing much happens
Where's Timbaland? He could have at least taken it to the bridge.
The song isn't as good as 'Innocence'

Tori Amos: Big Wheel

Seriously? I kind of understand the concept, but the end result just looks like it was using outtakes from the album artwork, and made on Windows Movie Maker, especially the MILF bit.
It's nice to see she's doing 'doing a Loose' with the singles release though. Neither of the singles is Maneater, however, so :(.

BwO- Chariots Of Fire

If they don't take over the UK and set their strange pack of dog people on Mika and his ilk, i'll be severely gutted. Amazing, what would have happened if 8 year olds directed Basement Jaxx's 'Where's Your Head At'.

Feist- 1234

As i've said before, for every ridiculous concept music video directors come up with, you literally cannot beat some people having a bit of a dance in a room. Video of the month.

Rihanna in amazing single shocker

2007-04-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

I like Rihanna.

I don't know if you know i like Rihanna, but you do now. I generally have no idea why i like Rihanna, as she has thus far produced two singles of note ('Pon De Replay' and 'SOS'. Obviously).

Somehow, despite churning out three albums a week, she's managed to release something that could well be the finest pop single since 'Maneater'. In case you're in doubt, here's why:-

It has a Jay Z 'guest' rap that not only doesn't ruin the song, but actually isn't terrible. Don't get me wrong, it's about as unwelcome as a bout of genital warts on your wedding night, but, as it isn't completley shit, qualifies as the best thing he's done in the last three years.

- The rap part is over within the first thirty seconds, meaning you can fast forward through it, without disrupting the rest of the song too much. Genius!

- The drums sound more than a little like 'Crazy In Love', but that's the only resemblance it has, unlike certain other (admittedly fabulous) pop songs that are due to be released soon.

- If your heart doesn't practically break into a million pieces during the last part of the chorus, you are officially dead inside.

- Imagine if 'Unfaithful' had been made by Timbaland rather than Ne-Yo, and you might get some idea as to how it sounds.

- Except you probably won't, so you should listen to it and find out.

- It's a (possibly number 1) pop single called 'Umbrella'. You could not get any better if you tried.

Poor Rihanna, hopefully she'll have more than two hits from this album.

Update: This is the single cover-

Honestly, it's all very well having a bloody umbrella, but it somewhat defeats the object if you DROP IT ON THE FLOOR.

2002- ?

2007-04-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

(Cheer)

She's like, so whatever

2007-04-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

What's the new Avril Lavigne album like, then?

It's very Dr. Luke. Since he wrote half the bloody thing, this doesn't come as a great surprise. Anyway, here's some things about it.

- She should definitely have called the album 'The Motherfucking Princess'
- There's loads of guitars
- 'Girlfriend' is still amazing. It's so amazing that they've covered it, but changed the lyrics to make a song called 'The Best Damn Thing'
- 'Contagious' is the 8 millionth song in musical history to rhyme contagious with outrageous- It's 'grown up' enough to talk about, ahem, 'that time of the month', but not past a good old middle-8 cheerleader chant
- If you liked Paris Hilton's not-completely-shit song 'Nothing In This World', the album will be right up your alley, so to speak.
- 'Hot' is scary at first, because it talks about abducting somebody, then forcing them to rape you. The whole thing nearly collapses in on itself when the chorus goes rubbish, but it beats My Chemical Romance any day of the week.
- 'Runaway' is something Meredith Brooks might have done in 1998. Therefore it's brilliant
-The following songs are rubbish: 'One Of Those Girls', 'When You're Gone' and 'Keep Holding On'. We can conclude, therefore, Avril should stay at least 40' away from ballads AT ALL TIMES.
- Still, if you can get over that, and are not above jumping around on a trampoline whilst listening to late 90s teen pop, or enjoying a bit of Kidz Bop once in a while, you'll probably enjoy it very much.

Notes about the Siobhan Donaghy album

2007-04-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Majorca. Hooray.

ANYWAY, i got the Siobhan Donaghy album in the mail the day before i went away, but being a doucebag, forgot to to put the bloody thing on my MP3 player. So here's the DEFINITIVE word on the CD.

Don't Give It Up- It's even better than it sounds on the radio.

So You Say- Sounds too much like Jem

There's A Place- Quiet and rather lovely

Sometimes- If you thought Shanti/Ashtangi was the best track on Ray Of Light, you'll LOVE this (it totally wasn't, but this is still very good)

12 Bar Acid Blues- Imagine Graffiti My Soul redone by Feist, but with lyrics by Just Jack. It's a nice little song about going on holiday, but not really wanting too, and ending up in Russia or something. Oh, i don't know. The lyrics are truly dreadful.

Make It Right- Reminds you that Muty-a-ya wasn't the only Sugababe who could belt out a tune.

Coming Up For Air- Not As Saucy As It Sounds (Or Should Be)

Goldfish- Sounds like it belongs on a car advert

Medevac- Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. And Amazing.

Halcyon Days- Almost whispery. Lovely. Sounds a bit like Massive Attack.

Ghosts- Still fucking mad.

Note- The promo packaging is probably better than the actual album packaging will be. And there is literally no better smell in the world than that of promo CDs of albums that don't come out for three months. If they made made an aftershave of it, i'd bathe in it. It smells like the US alternative section of the Vinyl Exchange where all those poor Saddle Creek promos go to die.

But, to round it up, as they say, it's a very good album that liberally nicks off Ray Of Light, but isn't shit. It's all the better now, since Parlophone haven't fucked up the album campaign yet. Just wait until June.

It's good, it's bad, they're ugly

2007-04-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

The L.A.X Gurls- Forget You

It's good because, as somebody on the Popjustice forums pointed out, it makes them sound like post-operative female to male trannies.

It's bad because a) they aren't, b) 'gurls'??!?!? and c) the song is sub-Jojo bollocks. And we all know how bad the original Jojo is.

And, obviously, the band are too muntastic to be proper popstars. Cruel, yes, but we're living in a material world. Perhaps they should have used some to cover their faces.

The New EIAMS

2007-04-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

After several weeks flirting with the idea of making a non-Myspace blog to include all of my rambling thoughts about pop culture, EIAMS is being 'relaunched' as a, well, blog. Anyway, tune in frequently for stuff about things that happen in the world. This is terrible, i know. It might get better.

The Brits 2007: Every crushing blow

2007-02-15T05:23:00.000-08:00

It's live. It's dangerous. It's got a thirty second delay just in case somebody swears. Yes folks, it's The Brits 2007. It's bringing sexy back and for some inexplicable reason, it's brought Russell Brand with it. Anybody who says this isn't the Best! Brits! Ever! is a bloody fool.

8.03: The Scissor Sisters open the show. Jake Shears has been taking fashion tips from gay soldiers in sci-fi films. There's disembodied legs akimbo. It's bloody terrifying. Isn't this basically their new video, but to the only hit song from the album? Hmm. I can't find the remote control, so the subtitles are on, and 'hilariously' it says 'umpires' instead of 'empires'. Which was obviously the most entertaining part of the whole performance.

8.08: Russell Brand arrives. He seems less prozac'd up than usual. Oh, he made a gag about music execs. Christ, that'll go down well. He twitters on for what seems like eighteen years. Ooh drugs references. Badass.

8.11: Fucking hell! It's Lily Allen's dad! He's proud of his daughter. How nice for him. Muse are the best British Live Act, apparently. The microphones are being handed to them by local prostitutes. Perhaps they shouldn't have blown the budget on two bloody stages.

8.14: Snow Patrol play Chasing Cars. Will to live decreases severely. On a not entirely unrelated side note, there's a ludicrous rave remix of Chasing Cars floating about somewhere, which comes highly recommended. It pans out exactly as you'd expect it would, but is around 70 times as entertaining than the original.

8.18: Fearne Cotton, professional starfucker, asks Muse if they're pleased they won the award. We discover that they are. The British Single OF THE YEAR!!!! shortlist is unveiled. All white, all male, all Q approved. Sigh.

8.25: Can you say ejaculate on ITV at half eight? Russell Brand just did, muthafuckers. Hooray it's Jarvis! It's time for the British Breakthrough Act. Think the NME Awards Best New Act, but five years later. Voted by Radio 1 listeners. The Fratellis win. Quelle surprise. You literally cannot tell what they're saying. It's not because they're Scottish. It's because they're drunk. Okay, it's because they're Scottish.

8.30: OMG!! It's Toni Collette. Little Miss Sunshine was ace, wasn't it? I'm not sure what the award it is, as I got distracted by Collette. The winner was Orson, and when it was announced, one of them came everywhere (alright, it was 'Champagne' (yeah right, it's Orson), but it just looked funny, okay?). It was disturbing. The bald one is wearing a cap to disguise his baldness. It's not working, really.

8.34: Amy Winehouse performs, and it's amazing. Even if the set is worrying reminiscent of Sarah Silverman's hysterical "I Love You More" sketch. She doesn't forget the words (too much), manages to stand up all the way through, and doesn't end the song by throwing up into one of the drums. I suppose you could call it a triumph.

8.37: It's Best British Male time. Joss Stone's done something horrible with her hair. She's not going to plug her new album is she? No, but she is going to pace across the stage, put on a fucking annoying Yankee twang, and make bloody rubbish jokes. Thank you Joss. Now, fuck off. James Morrison won. "Just over a year ago, he was busking in Cornwall!" says easily impressed voiceover woman. Just over a year ago, we'd never heard of James Morrison. It was a simpler time, it was a happier time. He thanks his label, his friends and his girlfriend, but not God. If this was America, he'd be smited (smote?) by now.

8.41: Fearne Cotton has just described The Fratellis and Orson as 'gorgeous men'. She must have been blinded by Orson's lead singer's shiny bald head.

8.48: It's now the award for Best International Male Solo Artist. Justin Timberlake wins! This is great. He can't accept the award in person because he's off shagging actresses who aren't ten years his senior. Good for him.

8.50: The Killers perform When You Were Young. It's still a crap song, even if the second chorus is much better than the first.

8.55: It's Best British Female. Winehouse wins. Will she be able to get up to the stage? It's live! It's dangerous! Who knows what could happen? Oh christ, she didn't even punch Jo Whiley. How disappointing.

8.58: Russell Brand makes a joke about Britney's vagina. Yawn. Ricky Wilson calls Best International Female category 'best international girl' in a vaguely misogynistic way. Nelly Furtado wins, which is totally amazing, even if she did record a song about being a bit of a slag. Two good winners in a row? What's happening? Nelly runs off when Russell Brand comes on to the stage. I don't blame you, love. He's Frank Gallagher styled by the NME.

9.01: Take That are on now. They're performing Patience on the gayest set ever made.

9.05: Fearne Cotton plugs the text-in vote for Best British Single for the umpteenth time, and is so desperate with boredom she's actually looking forward to seeing the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Don't worry Fearne, I'm sure your evening will end with you leaving the after show party with Matt Willis or Lil' Chris.

9.10: Anthony Head's presenting an award. I wish I was watching Buffy. Oh, it's the Best British Group award. All male, all white, all Q approved. Are we noticing a pattern? The winner is… the Arctic Monkeys. And they've sent a 'hilarious' video message. Fun.

9.14: What's the Best International Album, I hear you cry. Why, it's The Killers, with their spectacular LP "Sophomore Slump". Still if you want to see not-as-good-or-as-fit-as-they-used-to-be Mormon pop groups, it's the 'edgy' Brits you be seeking.

9.16: The Red Hot Chili Peppers are on. I'm off to get some chocolate.

9.18: They're still on? Christ.

9.19: Dani California has at least 5 of the world's worst rhyming couplets ever.

9.20: Oh, they're not even playing music anymore. It's just noise.

9.25: It's Sophie Ellis Bextor. She's presenting an award, not receiving one, but oh well. She also retains her amazing look of utter contempt as Russell Brand and Steven Tyler bitch about each other's hair. The Killers win. Catch You is amazing, no? The Killers feel privileged to receive an award from Steven Tyler, but don't mention Bexto. Clearly they've never heard Murder On The Dancefloor.

21:30: Your racist grandmother's favourite black artist: Corinne Bailey-Rae's performing now. Somebody, probably the same person who designed the set for Take That, thought Put Your Records On warranted a dance breakdown in the middle 8. They were wrong.

21:32: It's Real Music For Real People time, the Best British Single award. Ironically presented by Alan Carr, who may as well be a caricature. Take That win, which I'm considering a glorious victory for fake music. Poor Jo Wiley must be in the corner sobbing.

21.38: Best British album is the Arctic Monkeys. Cue another witty video acceptance speech. They're dressed up as the Village People this time. What will they do next?

21.39: Fearne Cotton interviews Take That. She's having a flashback to the dark days of being young and listening to pop, before growing up and getting into real music like Razorlight and Snow Patrol.

21.45: Outstanding Contribution To British Music is Oasis. Depending on how you feel about the band, this'll either be the best thing ever or make you want to pull your brain out through your nostrils. Personally, it's the latter. So commenting on the next 15 minutes of Liam slurring through 'the classics' would be pointless and utterly joyless.

Which, I guess, brings us to the end of The Brits 2007. So what have we learnt? That 'edgy' means saying 'ejaculation' pre-watershed, or Mark Owen's speech being dubbed over by silence. That, despite having one of the biggest selling albums of 2006, the Scissor Sisters aren't as popular as they used to be. That you can make a show as 'dangerous' as you like, but if there's nothing but mediocre acts, it'll be no fun whatsoever. And finally, that the organisers really should get Simon Amstell to do it next year. Wow, it really was the most exciting Brits ever.

Madness Gone Emo: The Singles Review

2006-12-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

This week, Lil' Chris talks S-E-X, Lily Ahhhleeeen gets a bit miserable and Shakira releases another song which isn't Hips Don't Lie.

Paolo Nuitini- Rewind
Paolo's surely the single most rubbish person in pop music. He can't pronounce any words, he can't sing, he can't dance, he has a reheeely annoying voice and considers himself to have all the troubles in the world, despite being 19 years old. You have to wonder if he's had some terrible childhood, but the press release says his parents owned a fish and chip shop. Perhaps it made him have greasy hair or something, I don't know.
3/10- Worst Single Of The Week

Shakira- Illegal
Thus continuing our run of "quite good female solo acts who inexplicably release terrible ballads". Following Pink and Christina's crappy efforts, here's Shakira, this time featuring Santana. OMG this is totally amazing news and Santana could have only duetted with Shakira, and not with Michelle Branch, that bloke from Matchbox 20 and numerous other bloody terrible acts. She still sounds a bit like a goat, btw.
4/10

Pussycat Dolls- Wait A Minute
Popjustice have a theory that each Pussycat Dolls single released is better than the last one, and i'd probably have to agree. Here's a list of the singles they've released and what they would have got/have gotten.
Don't Cha- 2/10
Stickwitu- 2/10
Beep- 3/10
Buttons- 4/10
I Don't Need A Man- 5/10
Anyway, point proven (Christ on a bike, how many fucking singles do you need to release from one album?). Not even Timbaland (who sounds bored throughout- this was released last year, so perhaps he was too busy thinking about how much better Maneater is than this) can save it from being okay, though. They're still about as sexy as gingivitis though.
6/10

L'allen- Littlest Things
This is okay too. The piano's way too loud, or Lily's voice is too quiet, i'm not sure which, and "we spent the weekend lying in our dirt" sounds to be the result of taking too many tranquilsers and laxatives, which I doubt would be a fond memory. But how crap was she on Buzzcocks? Boo! Hiss! Etc, etc.
5/10

The Killers- Bones
"Your new stuff sound like Bruce Springsteen" said a TV person to The Killers this morning. This doesn't sound like Springsteen. It sounds like Madness gone emo. Especially if you start listening to it midway through the verses.
5/10

Lil' Chris- Gettin' Enough
Fucking hell. The video is genius, but the song is something like Blink 182 covering the Buzzcocks for the soundtrack of American Pie: The Pre School Years, in which Jim sticks his dick in the sandpit and pisses everywhere. Since Lil' Chris is what, eight years old, I'll put it in school report terms: Must Try Harder.
5/10

Nobody gets single of the week, as the Pussycat Dolls have scored this week's highest marks, and the day they get single of the week is the same day I begin to accept Ronan Keating as our lord and saviour. Next time, we look at the kind of shit that might be going for Christmas number one.

Samples From Hell 2006: The Singles Review

2006-12-16T13:42:00.000-08:00

This week, Gwen Stefani yodels, Muse go for EPIC ROCK and The Fratellis need a kick in the teeth.

Gwen Stefani- Wind It Up
I don't know how much worse this song can be. Sounding like a watered down version of Fergie seems pretty desperate, no? But that's before you add the sample. Generally in music, samples lift a song, adding a hook, giving an otherwise crappy song something memorable. Stefani's ensured that Wind It Up is memorable, alright, but only for being the WORST single she, or anybody with the XX chromosome has ever released. If you listen carefully, you can almost hear her and Pharell sighing "will this do", which is an attitude that's generally reserved for new singles from Greatest Hits albums or X-Factor winner's first releases. The video takes the medium to new heights of ridiculousness, up to the point where you wish that the Nazis from The Sound Of Music would round up Stefani and her ridiculous sidekicks, and give them a makeover, akin to the one Saturn gives his newborn children. It's an utterly, utterly stupid move for a woman who looked like she could be the new Madonna, but is now on her way to becoming the new Samantha Fox.
1/10- Worst Single of the Week

The Fratellis- Whistle For The Choir
Oh Christ. "Indie band who had moderate hit show their sensitive side by releasing a strummy ballad". It's called Whistle For The Choir and there's whistling! LOL! Apart from looking rough as buggery, there's little to distinguish The Fratellis from the tsunami of horrible NME approved indie tosspots that clog up mainstream radio stations ALL DAY LONG. Fuck off.
4/10

Muse- Knights Of Cydonia
The problem I have with Muse is the rabid fanbase they have. They're as bad as Toriphiles, in the sense that if you suggest that their idols may not be as good as everybody thinks they are, they're likely to throw flaming spears in your eyes before attacking you with a bag of Cox apples. The band's clearly very talented, personally I find the EPIC ROCK revival slightly depressing (am I the only one who thinks they're just The Darkness with better tunes and decent hair?). The problem with a fanbase who would gladly lap up your actual shit is that you can release any old bollocks, and they'll proclaim it to be genius (hey Tori!).
6/10

Cascada- Truly Madly Deeply
Remeber these? They had that AMAZING video where the woman went to the library, messed up all the books and made everybody dance. You'd have thought this would have meant an equally inventive follow-up video, also set in a public building. She goes to the emergency ward and unplugs the life support machines, whilst lap dancing? Off to the town hall to gyrate over the Mayor's desk? No, it's in a hotel room, which any old bag can do (hey Emma Bunton!). The song's equally godawful, and sounds EXACTLY like Everytime We Touch, except it's a Savage Garden cover, which Isn't Much Good At All. Boo.
4/10

Nelly Furtado- All Good Things
Chris Martin, to all intents and purposes, is a cunt. However, one thing he does very well is write songs for female singer types. Well, okay, he basically just did that Jamelia one, but I think we can all agree it was rather good. This is possibly better. It's the best pop ballad since Whole Lotta History (the only Girls Aloud ballad that's worth a damn), and, whilst completley at odds with the Promiscuous girl Furtado claims she is, rather lovely. And in the video, her fringe is quite nice too.
8/10

Jamelia- Beware Of The Dog
Okay folks, enjoy this. Because it's the last Great Pop Single of the year, and possibly the last 9/10 I'll give until Siobhan Donaghy's single (which is bound to be brilliant). Make note Stefani, this is how you use a sample. You launch into it within two seconds of the song starting, making the listener realise that this shit IS official, and the next three minutes will be totally fantastic. Then you put in a great chorus, AND talk about dogs. Finally, you get really clever and reference the original song, ensuring that any stupid people who haven't done their research feel out of the loop. Jamelia should be Britain's biggest pop star at the moment. Instead the Americans go apeshit for Lady Sov. It really makes you wonder...
9/10- Single of the Week!

Next week, the Pussycat Dolls scrape right through the barrel, The Killers sing about bones and Paolo Nuitini's still unhappy about something. G'bye!

Anti MILFs- The Singles Review 14/11/2006

2006-12-16T13:39:00.000-08:00

Pink- Nobody Knows
Christina, I take it all back. At least I know where I am with your warbly voice. The problem with Pink doing ballads is that she spends so much time telling you'll she'll kick yo ass in the rest of her songs, that when she tries to do 'emotionally honest heartbreakers' (read piano led snoozefests) i'm not sure if she's going to beat me up or collapse on the floor, crying. I miss 'U _ Ur Hand'. It sounds much better now than it did two months ago.
3/10

Westlife- The Rose
As with McFly, there's no point criticising Westlife. Anybody with half a brain knows that they're shite, but people buy their records regardless. They shameless target the over-40 anti-MILFs who only get one CD a year, which usually comes from Tesco. I'd like to think that even soulless Irish robots have souls, but i'm in doubt that they even have the artistic integrity of, say a Ward or Brookstein. The song itself is so boring, i actually want to listen to Pink's new single again. Louis Walsh has a lot to answer for.
2/10- Worst Single of the Week

Damien Rice- Nine Crimes
Oh wow, it's an even more 'troubled' James Blunt with art school sensibilities. Just what the housewives ordered.
4/10

Fergie- Fergalicious
Fergie seems to be, and I mean this in the nicest possible sense, an STD ridden skank who got lucky. However this means she's a deserving popstar. She has no likeable personality features, a voice that resembles a drain being unblocked and dances, to put it bluntly, like a spaz. The reason she's a deserving popstar isn't because of her music, it's because she knows that if she wasn't doing this, at best she'd be a waitress, at worst, she'd just be another drug addict living on the streets. If they weren't playing in irritating bands, indie groups all would have jobs at their father's company by now. But since Fergie probably can't read, if somebody asks her to rub cake all over herself, she'll do it gladly, fully aware that there's worse things in the world than icing in your nether regions. She might be being exploited, but she goes to a five star hotel at the end of the shoot.(Note- the song's dreadful)
4/10

Justin Timberlake- My Love
By now, Timbaland's like a high quality US crime or medical show (I'm talking CSI, House, etc.). He's got his main cast (Timberlake, Furtado, Omarion), his formula (near-genius beats, synths, lyrics about s-e-x), and occasionally throws in some guest stars for good measure (Timberlake's joined by craptacular US rapper TI). And like House or CSI, no matter how many times the formula's repeated, it's never any less than entertaining. I like Timberlake now he's obsessed with sex. Okay, so he might go a bit soppy on this, but you get the distinct feeling that if it moves, he'd shag it.
7/10

Robyn- Konichiwa Bitches (on The Rakamonie EP)
I've been in complete love with this song for about a year now. It's what Promiscuous might have sounded like if it included a lyric about "coming in your mouth" and less nudge nudge, hint hint. It's by no means the best song on the album (that honour goes to Handle Me. It's difficult to think of any other pop star who's described somebody as a "nazi creep" with quite so much joy). There's so many great moments here, I could spend all evening pointing them out and still have missed some (although highlights include the Cure sample and the part with the voice generator). Robyn makes quite a convicing case for single of the year.
9/10- Single of the Week

Brand New Now To You: The Singles Review

2006-12-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

It's a particularly poptastic week for The Singles Review. A former stripper attempts to become a pop star on a budget of £3.80, some old women decide thay don't hate each other after all, and Christina's still upset about something or other. First up, it's Kasabian. Oh joy.

Kasabian- Shoot The Runner
I hate Kasabian. I hate their songs. I hate how dull they are. I hate that their sudden attempt at relevence is little more than the regurgitation of the half baked ideologies of Barat and Doherty. I get the feeling I'd have more respect for their 'creamy old England' vision if they went the whole hog and asked Liverpool to bring back the slave ships. What I hate more than anything is how they attempt to make an 'okay' indie track into something epic, by putting the riff from Keane's 'Is It Any Wonder' in the middle. Urgh. Horrible.
3/10- Worst Single of the Week

Christina Aguilera- Hurt
LOOK AT MY BIIIIIIIIGGGGG VOICE. ISN'T IT HUGE? PERHAPS YOU'LL BE SO DISTRACTED BY THE ENORMITY, YOU WON'T NOTICE THE SONG'S ACTUALLY CACK. HOLD ON, LET'S SEE HOW LONG I CAN HOLD THIS NOTE FOR. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. E.T.C.
5/10

Michelle Marsh- I Don't Do
This might have been good. Give the song to a half decent production house, and have it performed by a Furtado, Spears or even (shudder) Fergie, it could have been a decent pop song. As it happens, the guitars at the chorus are barely audible, Marsh puts nothing across and her voice is so weak, it'd take more than Pro Tools to make it listenable. This is why America's a better country than Britain. When somebody who's most famous for taking her clothes off decides she wants to become a pop star, she's given a 'quite good' Blondie rip-off. We get the bargain bucket Britney.
4/10

Sugababes- Easy
The first few listens, this is dreadful. It's written by Orson and you can tell. The lyrics are a terrible combination of Peaches and Bolton hen-night seduction-gone-wrong (it's about sex. We got it the first time, you don't need to reiterate yourelf through the WHOLE FUCKING SONG). The instrumentation is tired at best. And the chorus is mid-90s and oddly anticlimatic. Then, for reasons unknown to many, it suddenly becomes brilliant after about seventh time you've heard it. I'm still not sure why, and I doubt i'll ever know. The verses are still dreadful, though.
7/10

All Saints- Rock Steady
I really like this. Really really really like this. All Saints always seemed to be the Sugababes to the Spice Girl's Girls Aloud- not as popular, but arguably more interesting. Rock Steady isn't as good as at least five Sugababes singles, but if anything, that's a representation of how far along girl group pop has come since 2000. The reviews of this have been unfairly savage. Christ, if this is the dregs, it's little wonder that nobody wants to buy anything by boybands. A very welcome return.
8/10- Single Of The Week

All Those Lonely Nights Down By The River- The Singles Review 23/10/06- Part Two

2006-12-16T13:34:00.000-08:00

McFly- Star Girl
It feels almost pointless criticising McFly. They've got a rabid fanbase, who've got parents with too much money, which is always okay if you're a band, and at least three of their singles were quite good. This is almost quite good, but then again, it isn't. It sounds like a song I've heard at least seven different versions of, none of which I care for.
4/10- Worst Single of the Week

The Kooks- Ooh La
For a wonderful thirty seconds from reading the title to finding the song, I thought this might be a Goldfrapp cover. Then i found out that it's actually a cover of Naive, which was shit in the first place. Which is good for Radio 1 listeners, but bad for anybody with ears.
5/10

Gym Class Heroes- New Friend Request
Curiouser and curiouser. The only way to describe it is Myspace hip-hop-pop with lots of emo fans. I'm not allowed to give GCH a bad review because Sarah will hunt me down with dogs. Itr's a good job that it's a witty little song, and whilst it is about Myspace, it doesn't make you want to vomit up you own spleen. So hooray for that, then.
7.5/10

Rhianna- We Ride
Oh, this is dross. Well produced dross, but dross nontheless. Is it written by Ne-Yo? Hold on, I'll Wikipedia it...it's written by the people who write for Ne-Yo. I thought he wrote his own stuff. Hmm. Anyway, the only thing we can really be thankful for is that she's not threatening to kill somebody. She really needs to use more 80's samples.
5/10

Nylon- Closer
If Girls Aloud only did ballads, they'd sound like Nylon. Scary thought, no? Actually, the ballads are alright, still, does anybody listen to pop bands purely for real emotion? It's coupled with a fucking horrible cover of Sweet Dreams. which is probably the worse thing to happen to Annie Lennox since her ginger hair.
5/10

Alesha- Knockdown
We know the video's classy. The song's bloody brilliant though. It's a Xenomania song that sounds nothing like a Xenomania song, and the laughing bit, and hip-hop breakdown are both ridiculous, so therefore brilliant. I might actually buy the album.
8/10

Amy Winehouse- Rehab
There's a period for two weeks a year when Radio 2 becomes listenable, purely down to one song. Last year it was 'King of the Mountaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnn', this year, it's Amy. Whilst 'Frank' was an above average stab at hiop-hop. this shows no signs of chasing any trends. It doesn't need to. This time next year, there'll be at least 20 watered down versions of this performed by X-Factor finalists. Lets enjoy it while we can.
9/10- Single of the Week

The Amazing New Alesha Video

2006-12-16T13:14:00.000-08:00

It's Amazing. And classy to boot. Don't believe me? Read it and weep, bitches.

You can tell this'll be good. A proper old telephone! Who has those? I'll tell you who. Alesha. She don't take no shit from people who ring her mobile. Oh no. You want to speak to Alesha? You have to dial the operator.

This is clever. The line's about sitting near a window. She's sitting near a window. L!O!L!

Alesha and her Classy Dancers dance in a street. The song's classy, and you can tell the dancers are, because they're wearing hats. It's called conn-o-tations, people. Brilliant. Also, note Alesha's classy hairdo. That too is brilliant.

Here, the CLASSY Dancers are relocated to some kind of huge dome. But their classiness remains intact. This picture makes them look like the inverted Black and White Minstrels. They're not classy. If you're working for Alesha, you have to be classy.

Now you'd have thought that Alesha might need said dancers to retain the classiness levels throughout the whole video. Le shock! All she needs is a red curtain and a Monsoon dress. Even as she fellates the microphone, she does it with...class.

Accompanying the ridiculous 'ha ha ha' bit in the song is the ridiculous 'free bird' dance. However, the Classy DANCERS are back. And Alesha's hat is even sillier than it was before. It looks like it could be worn at Ascot Lady's Day. A classy event.

Oh no! The Classy Dancers are in 'normal' clothing. They've gone into some kind of seizure! Does anybody know CPR? You bet your ass Alesha does.

Phew. They're okay. All it took was the bird dance. Note how they all gather round Alesha. Her natural classiness simply glows from her, so they leech off it, knowing, until they get their 3 piece suits back from the dry cleaners, that further attacks could occur at any time.

So that was the brief gudie to Alesha's new video, 'Knockdown'. It's actually a rather good song. The watchword's 'classy'.

How bad is the cover for Girls Aloud's Greatest Hits?

2006-12-16T13:12:00.000-08:00

The options are...

a) It's wonderful! The best thing i've ever seen. There's a tambourine and everything, just like in the bacofoil video.

b) It's alright, if a little cheap looking. Are Vanilla planning a comeback? The should use this.

c) WTF? This can't be a real GA album, it must be a 'the music of Girls Aloud, as performed by the singers from Strictly Come Dancing' style album that you can get from TJ Hughes that your Gran would get you for Christmas as sometimes birthdays. It's a cover that the UK's Eurovision Song Contest entry would reject on grounds of it not looking professional enough. PLEASE be a joke. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

I'll probably have a future grumble about the tracklisting too. No 'Swinging London Town'? Still, it's hard to complain about an album that's got 'Biology', 'Love Machine', 'No Good Advice' AND 'The Show' on one disc.

A Thimblesworth Of Milky Moon- The Singles Review, 23rd October 2006

2006-12-16T13:03:00.000-08:00

The Horrors- Count In Fives
The NME love them, so i hate them by principle. It's a good job that the music's shit then. LET'S SCREAM OVER WHAT COULD HAVE ONCE BEEN A RELATIVELY DECENT RECORD AND RUIN IT AND SHOUT 'DIVIDE' RANDOMLY. IT WILL BE GOOD AND WILL BE BOUGHT BY ANYBODY WHO THINKS BOY KILL BOY ARE 'quite good' AND/OR HAS BEEN IN THE AUDIENCE OF A RUSSELL BRAND SHOW. Cunts.
3/10- Worst Single Of The Week

Panic! At The Disco- I Write Sins Not Tragedies...
I find emo tedious. The video for this song reveals a lot about the song itself. They hold accordions as if it means something. It doesn't, and it's just another way to seem different, to look like 'outsiders'. Fact is that there's probably more teens identify themselves as 'emo' than anything else. I mean absolutley no offense to anybody here (and it mostly applies to Americans), but in many cases, it's just a way for priveliged white kids to feel like they have problems and think Really Deep Thoughts. Which pretty much brings us back to the song. It's all surface. Which isn't a problem, but don't tell somebody you're a glacier, only to crack under their shoes.
5/10

Beyonce- Irreplaceable
I thought this song was about a prostitute when I heard the chorus. Considering it's a Beyonce ballad, I don't want to stick my fingers in my ears and scream, which happened when I first heard 'Girl' (yes, i'm aware that was Destiny's Child. Shut up). Anyway, it's not about a whore. Even though she's got a man coming straight round after the one in the song leaves.
7/10

The Magic Numbers- Take A Chance
I really wish this was an Abba cover. Not because the song's bad, just because any excuse for an Abba cover's a good thing. I like the Magic Numbers, but this could just be another track from their first album. Again, not that it's bad, it just sounds like a continuation rather than something new.
7/10

Girls Aloud- Somethin' Kinda Oooh
If you thought this was getting any less than full marks, you're reading completley the wrong blog. Starting with what i really really really hope is a sample 'Gonna Make You Sweat', it's just indescribably brilliant. Around their third best single (not as good as 'Love Machine' ot 'Biology', maybe better than 'Sound Of The Underground'). It blows the new Sugababes song, new All Saints song, and sod it, pretty much every song from the last three months out of the water. I don't care how much shit i'm going to get for this. You want to know why Girls Aloud have outlasted at least half of the NME endorsed haircut indie groups? Because their songs are better. So there.
10/10
SINGLE OF THE WEEK, OR OF ANY WEEK EVER.

I Have Cheap Ass Synths And I Am Not Afraid To Use Them- The Singles Review 2/10/2006

2006-12-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

P Diddy/Puff Daddy/Pandy (whatever his name is now- honestly, Prince changed his name to some strange symbol and got endlessly bitched about, yet this twat changes his name to something utterly ridiculous AGAIN AND AGAIN, each time to something more ridiculous, yet gets off scott free. Where's the justice?) ft. the Pussycat Doll who can sing- Come To Me

Urgh. What is the point? The guy can't rap (okay, he's better than Pharrel, but given some half-arsed beats, and a false sense of genius, Thora Hird would be better than Pharrel), he doesn't write his own songs. The only reason he seems to exist is to go on VH1's 'The Fabulous Life Of's', displaying his ridiculous amount of jewellery. The guy makes Mr. T look like he's going for minimalist chic. This, like too many hip hop/r'n'b songs, is just boring. You could rope in all the strippers-done-good in the world, it still wouldn't be worth releasing. But here's a fun game that i found on the internet. It's called which Pussycat Doll is/was/might have been a man. Answers on a postcard...
2/10- Worst Single of the Week

Beck- Cellphone's Dead
There's so many moments when this is almost great. The tinkly piano bit in the background, the bit when the woman's voice comes in, etcetra. So why then, does Beck choose to ruin it by sounding completley bored throughout?
3/10

Razorlight- America
A song about America that isn't as deep, musically accomplished or as politically informed as Hugh Laurie's America song from A Bit Of Fry and Laurie.
5/10

Nerina Pallot- Sophia
This sounds too much like Vanessa Carlton. Where are the handclaps and shit analogies about war? Okay, 'Everybody's Gone To War' hardly had the same effect as, say, that David Hasselhoff song that brought down the Berlin Wall (said sarcastically), but it was far better than this.
4/10

Imogen Heap- Headlock
So, eight years or so after Speak For Yourself came out, she finally decides to release the best song off it. Rather than pissing about with the bloody vocoder, Imogen basically rewrites Rid of Me as a Bjork song. Which means quiet electronic blippy bits that then become big loud strings-y bits. And it's rather wonderful
8/10- Single of the Week

If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemon Incest- The Singles Review 25/09/06

2006-12-16T12:54:00.000-08:00

High School Musical- Breaking Free
I'm tempted to give it 9/10 just to piss off Sarah, but it's a truly vile song. I'm not sure what I hate more- the diabetic fit inducing sugariness of the lyrics, the untalented stage school twats who overemote their way through the entire ordeal or the fact it could be used on an advert for viagra. Actually, for that reason it gets one extra point. But still...
2/10 Worst Single of the Week

Lily Allen- LDN
The sample's rather fabulous, and it's much better than Smile. But trying to appreciate a song about sunny London in rainy Manchester is quite difficult. I find that there's something quite hateable about Allen herself though. I'm not sure why, but at the end of the video where she got stood up, I was cheering. Also, the 'Tesco/alfresco' line may trying to be clever, but it's actually just crap.
7/10

The Streets ft. Pete Doherty- Prangin' Out
This works under the assumption that taking two artists who have lost all relevancy and have them make a song together will restore both to their former glory. It's doesn't. Skinner's last album was crap, and the only thing that differentiates Doherty from the rest of the drug addled starfuckers that fill the pages of Now and Heat is that he has the backing of the NME.
5/10

Evanescence- Call Me When You're Sober
Okay, so it's hardly 'Sahvvvvveeeee Meeeeeeeee 2', but Evanescence do a better job at epic popera than most others. And the bit when Lee sings the title is one of 2006's best pop moments. The rest is a bit phoned in, though given the choice between faux-goths and 28 year old 'high schoolers', i'd take this every time.
7/10

Lil' Chris- Checkin' It Out
Ha, this is rather unexpected. If you can get past the whole Gene Simmons approved thing (and also that he's ONLY TWO FEET TALL) it's the kind of song Matt Willis wishes he could make. Great backing vocals in the chorus too.
7/10

There's no single of the week, as no song scored above 7/10, and my new rule is that songs must score 8 or above to gain the title. If I was doing it for comedy purposes, it'd be High School Musical. But I'm not, so it isn't. Next week, wankers-du-jour, Razorlight.

Can't forget things you never said- The Singles Review 17/09/2006

2006-12-16T12:51:00.000-08:00

Big Brovaz- Big Bro Thang
The comeback nobody was asking for. There's something creepy about Big Brovaz. They seem to want to be a So Solid Crew that your grandmother doesn't find upsetting. Which in the past has led to Sound of Music samples, use of songs on Halifax adverts and the firing of members with drug habits. It's the last single they'll probably release (it's doubtful it'll scrape into the top 40), so it might be Big Historical Moment Of History. But it's not.
4/10

Janet & Nelly- Call On Me
You want a comeback, Ms. Jackson? It's going to take more than a third rate rapper (who's so not even the best Nelly in hip-hop anymore. Hell, even Nellie McKay made more of an impact on the genre than he has) and a song that NeYo would reject on the terms of it being too dull. I have no idea why he's calling on her. But i'm quite sure I never want to hear this song again.
2/10- Worst Single of the Week

Pussycat Dolls- I Don't Need A Man
In their attempt to get more songs off a debut album than Razorlight did, the 'Dolls' release their best song yet. Which means that it's still crap, only less so than before. Congratulations Larry, you've mastered the single entendre.
5/10

The Killers- When You Were Young
Here's a rule for all upcoming bands that use a synthesiser- you can't do epic strings on a Casio. It just doesn't work. "He doesn't look a bit like Jesus". Stick a fake beard on the fucker, draw on some stigmata with a red pen, you're all set. The first half of Hot Fuss was one of 2004's best mainstream albums. This is a massive disappointment
4/10

The Zutons- Oh Stacey
Valerie was actually quite massive, and the lack of hype surrounding this is surprising (especially since the video's brilliant). Still, The Zutons need to go innovate unless they want album three to sink.
6/10

The Automatic- Recover
Any other week, this would have been the third or fourth best single of the week. It's not as catchy as Monster or Raoul and the album has far better tracks on it. But compared to everything else coming out this week, it sticks out like a shouty, electronic thumb.
7/10- Single of the Week

Singles review- September 11th 2006- Skanks Ahoy!

2006-12-16T12:48:00.000-08:00

Robbie Williams- Rudebox
3/10
Oh this is bloody typical. The Americans get SexyBack. We get HairyBack. The most annoying thing about the song (apart from that it cant decide what a rudebox is- is it something you shake? Something you do? Make your fucking mind up) is how cheap it sounds. Its unsure if its trying to be properly sexy (when it is, it fails hilariously. The only way the 'why you so nasty line' could be even more sexless is if it were delivered by a Pussycat Doll) or try a hamfisted attempt at referential humour, (which is even more of a failure. 'TK Maxx costs less'- wtf?). Robbie is the best cabaret act we have, and he's been reduced to picking up scraps that, given the opportunity of a comeback, Vanilla Ice would reject.
Worst Single of the Week

Fergie- London Bridge
5/10
This is the song Rudebox wishes it was. From my favourite new sub genre, skank-pop (pop performed by skanks- see also, Pussycat Dolls and Paris Hilton), its the kind of song thats so sleazy, you should probably go for a sexual health check after listening to it. Of course its fucking awful, but it's so good at being awful (the video is one of the funniest Ive seen this year- going through the motions of fellatio on the Queens guards is always guaranteed a laugh or two) its far more likeable than any James Blunt clone. Which is somewhat strange, seeing as the song threatens to 'spray your ass with mace' (surely the face would be more effective?). Its a shame Fergie herself it devoid of any redeeming features as an artist. And I dont know what the frig a London Bridge is (at least not in the sense that Fergie references it). Im not sure if its about her trousers (London Breeches?) or if its actually quite a sweet song about somebody learning to open up (steady now). Either way, it'd be wise to use protection.

Embrace- Target
4/10
Embrace? Anybody? Helooo?

Katie Melua- It's Only Pain
2/10
The only reason this isn't worst single of the week is because Melua is always awful. Like everything else she's done, it sounds like Andrew Lloyd Webber. They're going for the same audience, so the only saving grace is that she's not trying to appeal to the dance kids.

Jamelia- Something About You
7/10
And after that ungodly bunch, here's something decent. Jamelia's always been AOR enough for Radio 2 to enjoy, but close enough to hip-hop to get Radio 1 playlisted. This is trying a bit too hard to be Since You've Been Gone, and the first verse and chorus don't quite gel. Otherwise, it's tres enjoyable.

Guillemots- Trains To Brazil
8/10
One of last years most 'holy shit this is amazing' debut singles, it's every bit as essential now. One of the most adorable bands around (just behind The Research), and they have better songs than practically anybody else.

Outkast- Morris Brown
9/10
See the summer round up for more about this. It might just be better than Hey Ya.
Single of the Week

The Singles Review-14th August 2006

2006-12-16T12:40:00.000-08:00

Maria Lawson- Sleepwalking

When I saw Maria Lawson's name on The Hits' playlist I was tres excited, because I thought it said Marit Larsen. Sadly not. Instead, what we have is a cast off from the Beverly Knight collection. Dull, dull, dull. She was on the X Factor, so it's doubtful she'll be releasing anything else.

David Guetta- Love Don't Let Me Go

Sigh. This is going to number one, isn't it? The problem with this song is that it isn't a song 'per se', it's two songs that don't really go together, smushed up against each other in a kind of uncomfortable way. It's half weird pop song, and half mediocre club track. It's all a bit crap, basically.

Jessica Simpson- A Public Affair

This sounds like one of those S Club 7 singles that you didn't really care for (Haha, ALL OF THEM, lol. Shut up, 'Don't Stop Movin' was great) , but could still hum along to. Late 90s production style, tinkly keyboard parts in the background. It's really bad, but so shameless in it's tackiness, it's still commendable.

The Young Knives- Weekend and Bleak Days (Hot Summer)

The intro's excellent (random noise becomes proper song, 'a la' We Share Our Mother's Health), but, really, it's indie wank. The singer seems to think he's doing a cover of Laika, and it goes precisely nowhere. But i'm sure they've got cool haircuts, so they'll go down fine with NME crowd.

Chico- DISCO

Oh, fuck off.

Alesha- Lipstick

And just when i'd lost all hope that there would ever be any decent music again, along comes the shouty one from Misteeq and proves me very wrong indeed. Alright, ignore the weirdly chick flick lyrics, and just listen to THAT chorus. Lipstick might not reach the dizzy heights of some of this year's pop has, but it is, by some distance, the best British pop song this year. But we've still got new stuff from Girls Aloud and Sugababes, so who knows. However, since Alesha has just about saved me from the singles hell i had been in, it's SINGLE OF THE WEEK.